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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should my husband text me?

145 replies

kathldn · 03/12/2019 17:48

My husband and I live in London and I am 4 months pregnant.

I am currently learning to drive and for my lessons I go down to my parents house which is an hour away from London. I go down on a Tuesday and return home on a Thursday/Friday and I do this weekly.

As soon as I leave my husband is out every single night drinking and getting extremely drunk. I dont mind him doing this however my only request is for him to text me when hes home. He doesn't.

This is where the problem lies. Ive asked him several times to message me when he's home so I know he's safe and he completely disregards me every single time and doesn't bother texting me.

I feel like he is completely disrespecting what im asking of him. Im carrying his child and would like to know my husband is home safely, especially giving the fact we live in London. I have told him how i feel and it appears to make no difference.

Am i being unreasonable to ask this of him?

TIA.

OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 03/12/2019 18:48

Agree with Ellisandra -- you're focusing on the wrong thing. the problem is that your husband has a drinking problem.

Without wanting to be the voice of doom, you want to think very carefully about how someone who drinks like this will react to sleepless nights, shared childcare and significant restrictions on his social life. It tends not to end well.

Its possible he's having a last hurrah before the baby arrives but it doesn't bode well at all. I would start to think quite carefully about whether there may be alternatives for you and the baby in terms of living arrangements.

AFairlyHardAvocado · 03/12/2019 18:48

Yes. the texting is what I am worried about. He is a 36 year old man with an exceptionally high pressured career. he does not drink to extreme lengths when I am around. He just enjoys a drink and I have no issue with this. My issue is that I have asked him to reassure me when he is home and he is ignoring what I have asked of him.

I'm sorry to do this but this is absolutely at odds with a previous thread and it's really hard for people to give advice or try to help when the situation being described isn't what's going on in reality, because it won't be relevant

TheOneWithTheNewName · 03/12/2019 18:51

Get the hell away from him.

ysmaem · 03/12/2019 18:52

He's isn't texting you to tell you he's home safe because he's too drunk too remember to do so or/and too drunk to able to type out a text. The issue here isn't not texting you to tell you he is home safe the issue is the excessive drinking. I suggest you tackle it before the baby arrives.

YouSawThePlans · 03/12/2019 18:53

Even if he texts you, it won't make him committed to the marriage or your baby or the life you're trying to have with him.

Honestly, OP, if I were you, I'd be prepared for him to decide that he needs to stay in London for work once you have moved. If he does, let him go. He either needs to step up or get out. Your problems are much bigger than a text.

BennyTheBall · 03/12/2019 18:56

It all sounds rather hopeless.

Spacebowlisback · 03/12/2019 18:57

Missing the point spectacularly, where did you find a driving instructor willing to drive an hour out of his teaching area to do that every week?

spanglydangly · 03/12/2019 18:58

If you're moving in three weeks what's the problem? You sound very very needy!

Alicatz66 · 03/12/2019 18:59

I think 3 nights away for a driving lesson is a bit much ... why don't you just learn where you live ... if you are home he may be less likely to be out on the piss every night !

WorraLiberty · 03/12/2019 19:00

Space, she travels to her parent's house and the instructor teaches in that area. She doesn't travel there on a lesson.

I read it the same ways as you at first.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 03/12/2019 19:01

Well this thread is rather different to the other thread. He sounds awful

Wordie · 03/12/2019 19:02

I can’t believe these replies 🙄 I think it’s perfectly reasonable to want a text, to let her know he’s home and safe.

Spacebowlisback · 03/12/2019 19:02

Oh right. Thanks @WorraLiberty.

Eveting2019 · 03/12/2019 19:03

@Alicatz66 she said her dad had terminal cancer and she wants to spend time with him.

Her point is not about whether she should be away a few nights week... he obviously works long hours, and her dad is very unwell.. so she likes to go there.

BrendasUmbrella · 03/12/2019 19:03

In light of that other thread, getting him to text you is the least of your worries. I'm really sorry you have to deal with all this. Maybe think about moving back in with your parents while you think things through?

Please don't be one of those women who pops up here on a semi regular basis to vent because it's all a secret in real life, and uses it as a crutch to keep limping on. You deserve better, and so does your baby.

justasking111 · 03/12/2019 19:08

Confused here, how do you know he is getting very drunk are friends telling you this?

TowelNumber42 · 03/12/2019 19:09

I'm glad you are getting to spend a few nights away from his drinking.

The text is like some weird nonsense you've latched onto so you can ignore the alcoholism. Drop it.

Or is this about you feeling you should control his drinking? You fear that something bad will happen when he has been drinking. If you were away then you'd feel guilty for not controlling him well enough, hence you wanting the text.

honeylulu · 03/12/2019 19:09

I don't know where to start ...

He shouldn't have to text you.
But it's pathetic he's out drinking the minute you leave the house!
Have you discussed whether he'll modify his drinking habits after baby?
Why aren't you learning to drive locally, would be more useful?
How can you just disappear for 3 days every week? Don't you work? If not why?

Baddit · 03/12/2019 19:10

Yep - flogging a dead horse. He checked out a while ago.

Derbee · 03/12/2019 19:11

Too many issues to address all of them. But the drip feed info is impressive.

Alicatz66 · 03/12/2019 19:11

@Eveting2019 .. really sorry .. should've read the whole thread ..

Spacebowlisback · 03/12/2019 19:12

OP are you ultimately hoping to relocate back to where you grew up once the baby is born? Is that why you’re learning to drive back where you’re parents are, and perhaps why you’re more concerned about micromanaging his actions rather than his drinking; because once you’ve relocated, he won’t have the scene or the social opportunities to do it?

Spacebowlisback · 03/12/2019 19:13

Sorry OP - just seen your update on that.

WorraLiberty · 03/12/2019 19:13

Yep - flogging a dead horse. He checked out a while ago.

From reading the other thread, it doesn't appear as though he ever checked in, in the first place.

It's a proper mystery to me Confused

carly2803 · 03/12/2019 19:14

this is the least of your issues judging by yur other thread

leave him- not for this,hes an arse

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