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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should my husband text me?

145 replies

kathldn · 03/12/2019 17:48

My husband and I live in London and I am 4 months pregnant.

I am currently learning to drive and for my lessons I go down to my parents house which is an hour away from London. I go down on a Tuesday and return home on a Thursday/Friday and I do this weekly.

As soon as I leave my husband is out every single night drinking and getting extremely drunk. I dont mind him doing this however my only request is for him to text me when hes home. He doesn't.

This is where the problem lies. Ive asked him several times to message me when he's home so I know he's safe and he completely disregards me every single time and doesn't bother texting me.

I feel like he is completely disrespecting what im asking of him. Im carrying his child and would like to know my husband is home safely, especially giving the fact we live in London. I have told him how i feel and it appears to make no difference.

Am i being unreasonable to ask this of him?

TIA.

OP posts:
Letseatgrandma · 03/12/2019 20:08

You’re spending half the week with your parents-that’s unusual? Do you work?

Actionhasmagic · 03/12/2019 20:12

Yabu for not being honest one one of these threads. But on both threads he sounds like a dick

GoldLeafTree · 03/12/2019 20:13

He has a stressful job however he comes home absolutely wasted 3-4 nights a week, without telling me he's going out. he just says he's working late and then rolls in whenever he feels like it stinking of alcohol.

my husband is 37 years old and im 27 years old and im beyond fed up of the way he is treating me and the 'respect' he has for our marriage. He does absolutely nothing around the house. he does his own washing without offering to do mine ( I always do ours together) he gets himself dinner after work and doesnt let me know, so im sat at home waiting for him to eat with me.

He lies to me constantly and I feel like he's making a complete mockery out of our marriage and me.

The only time I ever see him happy is when he has alcohol in his hands. At the weekend I try to push for us to do nice things such as go for walks and for roast lunch etc and my husband HATES doing it, and then later says to me he spends his whole time doing things i like that he doesnt want to do.

I think your 'D'H needs to get some help for his drinking and you need to consider if you really want to bring a child into a home with this man. He doesn't sound like he even likes you!

RealBecca · 03/12/2019 20:14

Yabu to expect a text. He survived before he met you without sending a text. Let it go.

The drinking like that so often os OTT.

PlanDeRaccordement · 03/12/2019 20:15

YABU
He is 36. He is not your teenage son.

PlanDeRaccordement · 03/12/2019 20:17

But he is a horrible husband.

theWarOnPeace · 03/12/2019 20:20

Oh OP. Your other thread is absolutely horrific.

I’m sorry but I don’t know how to even begin to advise, because the fact that you’re even starting a thread about texting, when you’ve got all that to contend with, means that you’re losing touch with what’s normal and acceptable. He’s an absolute fucking pig. No two ways about it. The way he’s treated you up to this point is despicable. I hope you find the strength to leave. Please tell someone you trust in real life, don’t cover for him by trying to make it seem like everything’s wonderful. He’s abusing you and ruining your life! Think of your child’s future and seek help.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/12/2019 20:23

If I understand correctly, you're shortly moving to the town/nearby where your parents live? Good. Because after reading your other thread you are going to need them, especially after the baby comes.

I'm sorry about your dad's illness. Spend what time you can with him.

Andypromqueen · 03/12/2019 20:26

I’ve just read the OP’s other thread too and the thought that pops into my head is - could he possibly already be married and be committing bigamy or something equally bizarre? It’s the only thing I can think that would make the dh act this way?
He is doing everything he can to stop his family finding out about the marriage and pregnancy.....why???

1Morewineplease · 03/12/2019 20:35

Just seen your previous thread.
Let your husband go. You will never be happy. Next time you go to your parents’ house, stay there( if they’re ok with that.) get a fresh start for you and your baby.

namina · 03/12/2019 20:41

Get out now he sounds like a complete waste of space

thepeopleversuswork · 03/12/2019 20:45

Agreeing with all the other posters. Your other thread is disturbing. He is a lost cause, a hopeless alcoholic and doesn't love or respect you. Get out before the baby is born.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 03/12/2019 20:51

This man is an appalling husband, he's got a massive drinking problem and you're worried about him not texting? That really is the least of your problems.

CAG12 · 03/12/2019 20:54

So....you want him message so you know he's alright, but, he isnt messaging you. So presumably you're making your way back to London to physically check on him because you have no message?

My point is that if you're not doing anything about the lack of message except getting angry, whats the point in the message? If you're not rushing back to London to make sure he's ok, whats the point?

Himoverthere · 03/12/2019 20:56

How are you getting on passing the test?

marvellousnightforamooncup · 03/12/2019 21:03

This is not a healthy relationship and I don't think he is going to change.

CAG12 · 03/12/2019 21:03

Wow. Ive just read the other thread. Given all of that, why are you suprised he doesnt message you? Id go to your parents, stay there and initiate the divorce

Bluerussian · 03/12/2019 21:18

Derbee Tue 03-Dec-19 19:34:48
It looks as though you don't even have a job, op. Not a very fulfilling life for you

How fucking rude @Bluerussian you have no idea what the OP does in her life.
.......
I didn't mean it rudely, Derbee, honestly. It was just an observation. It just struck me the op has little in her life apart from husband parents and is, presumably, quite dependent on her husband as the breadwinner. Maybe I shouldn't have said it though it wouldn't surprise me if others said the same.

CAG12 · 03/12/2019 21:22

So she should put up with being treated like this because she doesnt have a job? Is that what you're implying?

OP not having a job is irrelevant to her husband being a bellend

kathlldn · 03/12/2019 21:22

@bluerussian im a registered dietitian. NOT that it has ANYTHING to do with what I posted about originally. so yes your comment was incredibly rude.

kathlldn · 03/12/2019 21:26

for the third time. I will write I am a registered dietitian. I work from home allowing me the flexibility to travel. so YES I do go home for my driving lessons as I LIKE my driving instructor and have been learning with him for a long time and have my test booked in for 3 weeks time. WHY this is relevant to what I originally asked is absolutely beyond me. whilst I am at home I also use the opportunity to see my Ill father. Hence spending 2-3 nights a week there. DH and I are moving here in 3 weeks time. NOT that any of this has ANYTHING to do with the original post.

spanglydangly · 03/12/2019 21:28

@kathlldn you're ignoring all the posters focusing on the actual issue to argue with @Bluerussian, stop deflecting the issue here.

kathlldn · 03/12/2019 21:29

@spanglydangly im not ignoring anyone. I have asked a simple question and am having to explain my life story to the internet for a simple yes or no question.

AFairlyHardAvocado · 03/12/2019 21:32

I think posters are predominantly focusing on the troubling previous threads being at odds with this one, not the driving or location.

I know it might not feel like it - you may feel attacked - but people don't want you to be in an unhappy relationship particularly with someone who has (according to your previous thread) an issue with drinking.

Try to separate yourself and the relationship in response to people's replies to you - they're critiquing the instability of the relationship not you personally.

You've got loads on your plate at the moment and I'm sorry his behaviour is adding to your stress, I would be unbelievably stressed too Thanks

spanglydangly · 03/12/2019 21:33

No YANBU your husband is awful, based on this post alone he's an alcoholic who couldn't give a shit about your happiness, based on your other post he's massively abusive.

But you only want to hear if he is being unreasonable not to text...... he probably can't because he's either too drunk, which people he's not "admitted" he is married too, leading the single life that everyone thinks he still is.

Honestly,move out immediately he is awful.