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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to refuse to do half the travel?

254 replies

floatygoat · 01/12/2019 16:04

Ex has moved two hours away to live with latest girlfriend (this is the 5th girlfriend in 18 months he's shacked up with and expected our two DC to play happy families with every other weekend).

He has now announced he expects me to do half the travel.

AIBU to tell him to do one? He can have the kids when he likes but no I won't be doing half the travel. I also have a newborn and couldn't do this without several stops on the way there and back to breastfeed, even if I wanted to.

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 01/12/2019 16:05

YANBU at all! His decision to move, he does the travelling

TheTrollFairy · 01/12/2019 16:06

His decision to move so he should do the travel

Tumbleweed101 · 01/12/2019 16:07

I have to agree - my ex has just moved further away and although he hasn’t yet suggested it, I won’t be doing half the travel except in emergency or exception situations!

Queenoftheashes · 01/12/2019 16:09

Frigging cheek

RandomMess · 01/12/2019 16:09

It is usual for the parent that relocates to do the travel GrinWink

Tell him to jog on.

holly40 · 01/12/2019 16:10

Yanbu. He should have spoken to you about the arrangements before moving that far away.

Scarlettpixie · 01/12/2019 16:11

It’s a tricky one. I would be mighty unhappy about having to do this too but I think you will end up sharing the travel at least to some extent. Would he accept doing it all until your new born is a bit older? He may think you are being reasonable suggesting this and have moved on to girlfriend no 6 by then! I would be interested to read others experiences.

ColaFreezePop · 01/12/2019 16:12

Tell him you can't do the travel because of your newborn and if he wants to see his children then he has to do it.

MulticolourMophead · 01/12/2019 16:13

He chose to move so he can do the travelling.

Sexnotgender · 01/12/2019 16:13

YANBU. My ex moved 40 minutes away and we split the travelling. However I then moved 40 minutes away from him and suddenly the travelling was a massive issue Hmm he expected me to do it all.

Techway · 01/12/2019 16:14

How old are the children?

I think given you have a newborn you would be unlikely to be made to drive half the way but be aware courts can impose travel conditions as contact is for the benefit of the children.

Your ex could argue that the drive impacts his ability to be safe and asks that you help support the travel which would be in the children's interests.

However he can't force you without court and your young baby I'd a exactly the reason why I judge wouldn't make you.

He is likely to separate from his gf anyway so maybe this won't be permanent. Does he commute for work?

Lllot5 · 01/12/2019 16:15

Tell him to do one. No doubt he’ll be in number six soon hopefully she lives closer. Prick

RollOnNextYear · 01/12/2019 16:15

My ex moved away he does all the travelling. I've collected once in 11 years

Courtney555 · 01/12/2019 16:16

And if he'd moved two hours away for work?

You've got the hump about who he's living with, not where he's living, otherwise you wouldn't have started with a paragraph about his girlfriend(s).

No, you don't have to do half the travel. But don't dress up "because I've got the arse about his living arrangements" as anything other than that. It's not down to you to approve who he lives with. You might not like it, it might not be ideal, but you have to lump it.

In the scheme of things, driving one hour to meet him every other weekend is no huge commitment. Your newborn doesn't need "several" feeds in that time. I imagine you're just tired and stressed with the new baby and he's not helping.

Do what's right for you.

Scarlettpixie · 01/12/2019 16:17

What will he do if you refuse? Will he see them less? Would that be something you want? Will he fail to return them saying it’s up ri you to collect? Is he just trying it on and will do the driving fortnightly if you tell him to jog on? How will the children feel about 4 hours in the car eow?

ColaFreezePop · 01/12/2019 17:04

@Courtney555 a one hour trip is a two hour round trip for the OP.

If her newborn cluster feeds like loads of newborns do then while an hour trip could just be doable, a two hour trip would not.

Original poster
floatygoat · 01/12/2019 17:06

@Courtney555 ofcourse I'm not happy about his new living arrangements, it's really not healthy for my 11 and 6 yo daughters to stay with a different woman and her children every few months in order to see their dad. I'm well aware there's nothing I can do about it hence haven't said I'll be trying to prevent contact.
my newborn is clusterfeeding and I frequently have to stop several times if I'm driving.

He text me saying "from next weekend can we meet half way" so that would mean travelling two hours in the car on a Saturday and Sunday every other weekend.
I responded that no I wouldn't, I presumed he'd be doing the travelling and why didn't he discuss this with me before he moved. His girlfriend then wrote me an essay telling me I was being childish, the kids are "50/50" and circumstances change and I have to "get over it"...and "I'll leave you to think about how you're acting"

Hmm
OP posts:
Original poster
floatygoat · 01/12/2019 17:08

I said "just have them when you can afford the fuel to pick them up and drop off. Every fourth weekend is fine"

I got told "you will have to explain to the kids why they're missing out because I already will have"

OP posts:
Winterdaysarehere · 01/12/2019 17:09

As you have to consider all of your dc op it certainly isn't in the best interests of a newborn to be in the car so much.
He knows where his dc live...
Cf of the week imo...
I moved an hour away and exh dropped dc off twice in 5 years. Never expected owt else. Luckily dc travelled happily by train mostly anyway.

adaline · 01/12/2019 17:11

YANBU.

He chose to move, he can drive.

Teabay · 01/12/2019 17:11

The man is an idiot. Stick to your plans, OP.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 01/12/2019 17:12

Hmm I think the one who moves should do the travelling. That said I have seen plenty of posters on previous threads where the mother has moved away say that if the dad wanted to see his dcs he should be prepared to do the travelling and Mum should not be offering anything other than halfway as a gesture and then only if it suits. This included when a Father didn't drive so would have to do a train journey which meant losing a day of work or an overnight hotel stay with the children.

ChateauMyself · 01/12/2019 17:13

I hope you replied to the new girlfriend “none of your business. Don’t contact me again”.

Going by his previous record, this won’t be a permanent / long term move. Perhaps you could ask him to look for a closer girlfriend next time!

Original poster
floatygoat · 01/12/2019 17:15

No he doesn't commute he is starting a new job in the city he has moved to.

The girls want to see him every other weekend but I know that they are going to be exhausted after each weekend as their dad apparently won't drop them back til gone 7pm on the Sunday.

So if he is now going to claim he can't afford the fuel then it's a good thing if it's only once a month in my opinion.

OP posts:
Original poster
floatygoat · 01/12/2019 17:16

@ChateauMyself it wasn't signed off from her but very obvious that she had written it!

OP posts:
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