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AIBU?

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Original poster

to refuse to do half the travel?

254 replies

floatygoat · 01/12/2019 16:04

Ex has moved two hours away to live with latest girlfriend (this is the 5th girlfriend in 18 months he's shacked up with and expected our two DC to play happy families with every other weekend).

He has now announced he expects me to do half the travel.

AIBU to tell him to do one? He can have the kids when he likes but no I won't be doing half the travel. I also have a newborn and couldn't do this without several stops on the way there and back to breastfeed, even if I wanted to.

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 01/12/2019 17:19

Well it isnt a good thing for the girls if they want to see him is it?

adaline · 01/12/2019 17:21

t's not down to you to approve who he lives with. You might not like it, it might not be ideal, but you have to lump it.

In the scheme of things, driving one hour to meet him every other weekend is no huge commitment.

Why should OP have to give up two hours each Saturday and each Sunday just because he's met someone and has decided that the right thing to do is move two hours away from his children?

He should have thought about how he was going to maintain contact before he moved, not after the fact.

Good fathers don't introduce their children to five different women in 18 months, move in with them all and make the children have contact there as well.

Livelovebehappy · 01/12/2019 17:22

courtney555 obviously moving away due to work allocation is different to actually choosing to move away just because you want to. So your point really isn’t relevant in this situation is it??

FizzyGreenWater · 01/12/2019 17:24

'Yes, of course I will explain. It'll be because you've chosen to move two hours away from them. There really isn't any other possible explanation, is there? Please tell your latest partner to keep her nose out if you don't mind - although I can understand she might feel a little insecure given she's the fifth version to have been moved in with in less than two years, she's still coming across as a bit of a fool. Bottom line is, I have a newborn and am not available for long distance travel, so just let me know when you have the petrol money and time and I will make sure the girls are available to you, and I'm also very happy to make sure we schedule more phone contact/FaceTime etc. '

Original poster
floatygoat · 01/12/2019 17:25

@sweeneytoddsrazor they are used to contact being quite sporadic at times due to his very unstable life.

I don't stop contact, like a pp said- he knows where his children live.

OP posts:
Courtney555 · 01/12/2019 17:29

obviously moving away due to work allocation is different to actually choosing to move away just because you want to. So your point really isn’t relevant in this situation is it??

I don't why the reason is relevant. That's where he's moved too. Whether it's for work, for social reason, for a partner. It's none of OPs concern. He might hate her new partner. That she's had a child with and his children have to live with. None of his concern either.

She of course doesn't have to meet him halfway. As long as it's for the right reasons and not because she's taken umbrage to another girlfriend.

damnthatanxiety · 01/12/2019 17:30

Courtney555
You've got the hump about who he's living with, not where he's living, otherwise you wouldn't have started with a paragraph about his girlfriend(s).

No, you don't have to do half the travel. But don't dress up "because I've got the arse about his living arrangements" as anything other than that. It's not down to you to approve who he lives with. You might not like it, it might not be ideal, but you have to lump it.

Well that's a might assumption you have made. Perhaps OP is just pissed off that Ex appears to put zero thought into fitting his life around his DC (5th GF he has shacked up with in 18 months). He appears to just move in with whoever he is seeing at the time with no concern with regards to how it affects his Dc and the OP. If it was work or a ling standing relationship then I might agree with you but some horny arse who shacks up with random women wherever they live is not exactly the same.

RandomMess · 01/12/2019 17:31

No doubt he'll reduce maintenance as well as he is now living with 2 DC...

Sounds like such a responsible Dad 🙄

FizzyGreenWater · 01/12/2019 17:33

As long as it's for the right reasons and not because she's taken umbrage to another girlfriend.

She. Has. A. Breastfeeding. Newborn.

I think that's a good enough reason.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 01/12/2019 17:35

His girlfriend can pay towards his fuel, if he’s so worried about him seeing his kids. Mind you, I wouldn’t worry too much of a woman’s judgment of me, who moves a man in with her young children when the relationship is so new.

adaline · 01/12/2019 17:36

I don't why the reason is relevant. That's where he's moved too. Whether it's for work, for social reason, for a partner. It's none of OPs concern.

Of course it is. He has unilaterally decided to move an hour away from their joint DC and has then decided that OP needs to share the driving with him because of the distance involved.

If he had no choice (eg. he needed move for a job to support his children) then that's different, isn't it?

rhubarbcrumbles · 01/12/2019 17:37

He moved, he should travel.

Bluerussian · 01/12/2019 17:38

floatygoat Sun 01-Dec-19 17:06:56
@Courtney555 ofcourse I'm not happy about his new living arrangements, it's really not healthy for my 11 and 6 yo daughters to stay with a different woman and her children every few months in order to see their dad. I'm well aware there's nothing I can do about it hence haven't said I'll be trying to prevent contact.
..........
I'm not so sure you can't do anything about it, it really is bad for your girls to be constantly meeting their dad's latest squeeze. If you were arranging things through I'm sure that would be taken into consideration. As for you doing long drives with a new baby - that is too ridiculous to contemplate, your ex and his girlfriend should know that.

If he wants to see the girls frequently he can pick up or visit them at your house but you are still breastfeeding so no pressure should be put on you.

category12 · 01/12/2019 17:41

My ex moved 2 hours away. I did some of the travelling to start with, just to be nice and amicable, but when I started a new job that means a big commute every day I stopped doing it as it fucked my weekends and I had no break. He made the choice to move away and create the distance so it's his thing to solve.

Original poster
floatygoat · 01/12/2019 17:43

@T0tallyFuckedUpFamily Yes, I'm a bit Hmm at all these women with children allowing a bloke they barely know to move in with them and meet their children so quickly.
He's known this latest one since October and apparently they're getting married in March.

And yes she has 3 DC so child maintenance will definitely be reduced for our two daughters.

Thanks everyone I feel much better about saying no!

OP posts:
willowmelangell · 01/12/2019 17:49

Stick to your guns! They can sigh and moan and dig, to their hearts content. They were just trying it on and then trying to guilt you.
Stay firm!
And congratulations on your newborn!

MintyMabel · 01/12/2019 17:51
  • "because I've got the arse about his living arrangements" as anything other than that. It's not down to you to approve who he lives with. You might not like it, it might not be ideal, but you have to lump it.”

I agree with this, but...

Do what's right for your children, is surely the key.

Imagine ten years on when they ask “mummy, why did you stop us seeing our daddy” and the response is “because I couldn’t be bothered driving for a couple of hours at the weekend.”

RandomMess · 01/12/2019 17:51

Erm they stopped seeing Daddy because he couldn't be arsed to to the driving...

CallmeAngelina · 01/12/2019 17:52

What did she mean by "the kids are 50/50?"

Original poster
floatygoat · 01/12/2019 17:53

@MintyMabel i don't think they will be asking "why did you stop us seeing daddy" because I'm not stopping them seeing him?
He can see them as and when he likes.

OP posts:
Original poster
floatygoat · 01/12/2019 17:55

@CallmeAngelina I'm not sure I presume she meant that they're his children as well as mine. Certainly not 50/50 care that's for sure, the maximum he has seen them for a long time is 3 nights in one month.

OP posts:
MintyMabel · 01/12/2019 17:56

Yes, I'm a bit hmm at all these women with children allowing a bloke they barely know to move in with them and meet their children so quickly.

Wow. So you want to judge women for their choices too? Nice.

Erm they stopped seeing Daddy because he couldn't be arsed to to the driving...
The children have two parents. Both are responsible for keeping up relationships. Only a selfish parent decides to undermine the other by turning their kids against them. Blaming the other parent doesn’t make it any better for the children, who, after all, are what’s important here.

Original poster
floatygoat · 01/12/2019 17:57

@MintyMabel are you a step mum? You seem like you're a bit clouded.

OP posts:
IwouldntmarryHeathcliffe · 01/12/2019 17:57

‘I’ll leave you to think about how you’re acting’.

Fuck that. Someone’s read a book on how to stand up for yourself and using it inappropriately.

Original poster
floatygoat · 01/12/2019 17:58

@MintyMabel yes I'm judging the women who have let my ex move in with them and their children after a matter of weeks.

OP posts:
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