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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to refuse to do half the travel?

254 replies

floatygoat · 01/12/2019 16:04

Ex has moved two hours away to live with latest girlfriend (this is the 5th girlfriend in 18 months he's shacked up with and expected our two DC to play happy families with every other weekend).

He has now announced he expects me to do half the travel.

AIBU to tell him to do one? He can have the kids when he likes but no I won't be doing half the travel. I also have a newborn and couldn't do this without several stops on the way there and back to breastfeed, even if I wanted to.

OP posts:
Original poster
floatygoat · 01/12/2019 18:26

@lynzpynz thank you, that's superb.

OP posts:
MintyMabel · 01/12/2019 18:27

This man wrote: "you will have to explain to the kids why they're missing out because I already will have" so I think it's fairly clear which is capable of that.

So she sinks to his level to make herself feel better. And the kids? What do they get out of that?

LolaSmiles · 01/12/2019 18:28

I'd be inclined to be sympathetic and accomodating if it was a case of proactive non resident parent needing to move due to work. In those situations I do think that both parents have an obligation to the children. I also don't think resident parents have grounds to be awkward just because their ex has a new partner.

However, in this case he has relocated around yet another woman who may well be temporary and is not putting his children first. With a baby as well then the OP is well within her rights to say no to facilitating this arrangement.

Original poster
floatygoat · 01/12/2019 18:29

@Schuyler the reason he moved is because his new gf offered him a free place to say with free food and a regular shag. Same reason as all the others.

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 01/12/2019 18:29

So she sinks to his level to make herself feel better. And the kids? What do they get out of that?

She gets to spend money on her children instead of their father. She gets to spend time with her newborn instead of in a car. And if you are a parent yourself, you presumably already know that advice is newborns should not be in carseats for extended periods and should be breastfed on demand.

Is there some reason you are so furiously determined to misrepresent this situation, so the feckless, selfish father gets what he wants, and this woman and her children suffer to make his life cheaper and more convenient to him?

RandomMess · 01/12/2019 18:30

@floatygoat can I detect a diagnosis of cocklodger?

perfectstorm · 01/12/2019 18:30

@LolaSmiles - completely agree.

Original poster
floatygoat · 01/12/2019 18:33

@RandomMess Yes! He is the ULTIMATE cocklodger. More parasitic than a tapeworm. Would still be feeling sorry for the latest host if she hadn't sent me such a snide message.

OP posts:
Winterdaysarehere · 01/12/2019 18:33

Send the suggested text op....

nrpmum · 01/12/2019 18:34

I'd bet he hasn't told the current gf the truth and that is why she is the way she is.

He is a twat

BestOption · 01/12/2019 18:34

You’re definitely not the one being unreasonable here

Don’t make any excuses, just say No. you moved away, you know where your daughters live’ & no debate.

He’s a twat.

Some posters are too & are best ignored. Reading comprehension of goldfish, some people 🤣

Original poster
floatygoat · 01/12/2019 18:37

@nrpmum yes he without a doubt has not informed her of the very recent previous 4 women etc..and that I am the crazy unreasonable ex.

OP posts:
Bluerussian · 01/12/2019 18:37

BestOption - great post!

BestOption · 01/12/2019 18:38

Don’t bring your newborn into it - the baby isn’t relevant to this because you’d be mad to do it anyway!

Him moving for a shag, doesn’t mean you wasting hours each weekend ferrying your girls for his access.

nrpmum · 01/12/2019 18:39

@floatygoat I have an ex like that. Thinks he's gods gift.

BlackeyedSusan · 01/12/2019 18:40

Reply factually:

The children are available for contact from..... to .......

MintyMabel · 01/12/2019 18:40

She gets to spend money on her children instead of their father.

Because money - that’s what children prefer to spending time with their fathers.

And if you are a parent yourself, you presumably already know that advice is newborns should not be in carseats for extended periods and should be breastfed on demand.

An hour is not an extended period of time. And just like the rest of us, we made feeding on demand work. I guarantee the baby being in the car for an hour would not be a problem if it were for something OP wanted to do.

Is there some reason you are so furiously determined to misrepresent this situation, so the feckless, selfish father gets what he wants, and this woman and her children suffer to make his life cheaper and more convenient to him?

Or course! The father is utterly feckless. The mother is entirely right to put her needs before that of her children because the father is utterly feckless. That’s going to work out really well for her children. who are, after all, what is important here

damnthatanxiety · 01/12/2019 18:42

Out of interest, why do child maintenance payments get reduced when Ex moves in with new partner and her dc? Surely the new partner's ex still pays child maintenance for those dc regardless?

mumwon · 01/12/2019 18:42

@MintyMabel interesting … attitude - the poor dc I worry about are the new gf 3 dc. His track record of hopping from one gf to another & moving in that quickly would worry me if I were those dc father! it doesn't bode well for them. I wonder if new gf is using him? To get back to op - so they broke up shortly after her youngest - I cant help but wonder whether he was playing around when he & op were together. (not asking op) Its just that for such a frequent flyer it would correlate. Op you have a new relationship & a baby (congratulations) & your ex has chosen to move elsewhere & knows this - sounds like he is a bit of a controlling whatsit - he moved he travels. Tough - his new gf obvious doesn't like him doing because it infringes on her life with him - hence her comment .

JacquesHammer · 01/12/2019 18:45

He’s relocated because he’s thinking with his dick.

His decision, his problem. He doesn’t get to unilaterally decide the OP has to facilitate his penis.

Original poster
floatygoat · 01/12/2019 18:46

@damnthatanxiety yes the new gf ex also receives maintenance from their father but this has no effect on child maintenance for mine being reduced because my ex now
Lives with them- and in theory now has three children he lives with to provide for .

OP posts:
Original poster
floatygoat · 01/12/2019 18:51

@MintyMabel

Again - it's two hours round trip -not one hour.

Again - I'm not stopping them from seeing him.

As pps have said if he'd had no choice but to move I'd do half the travel. However that is just not the case here.

OP posts:
Sashkin · 01/12/2019 18:52

‘I’ll leave you to think about how you’re acting’.

Dear ExDH, I'd love to meet you halfway, but your GF has put me on the naughty step.

DioneTheDiabolist · 01/12/2019 18:53

Of course YANBU to do 4 extra hours of driving every week OP. What kind of man moves 2 hours away from his DC and expects their mother to shoulder the costs of his choice? He's being ridiculous.

howabout · 01/12/2019 19:03

A 10 year old daughter of split up parents does not need to see her Mum allowing herself to be walked all over by her Ex. She also does not need to be told it is perfectly OK for her to be at the bottom of her Dad's priority list. She does not need to be shuttled from pillar to post dependent on his latest whim - especially if her Dad can't even afford her the time or money to do the pick ups and drop offs. She doesn't need to be parachuted into a procession of other women's living arrangements and be expected to play happy families at her father's whim. She doesn't need to be responsible for a 6 year old little sister who will also be going through this and relying on her for support.

Op YANBU but YABU to not put a stop to all this nonsense until your ex sorts himself out and puts his daughters first.

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