to refuse to do half the travel?

[floatygoat]

Ex has moved two hours away to live with latest girlfriend (this is the 5th girlfriend in 18 months he's shacked up with and expected our two DC to play happy families with every other weekend).

He has now announced he expects me to do half the travel.

AIBU to tell him to do one? He can have the kids when he likes but no I won't be doing half the travel. I also have a newborn and couldn't do this without several stops on the way there and back to breastfeed, even if I wanted to.

She's choosing not to assist with travel arrangements because of her personal opinion on his personal life. Which again is entirely her call to act how she wants. But she's doing it on the wrong reasons, and it's DC who miss out. And when the world explodes into smithereens it'll be The Women Wot Did It!

Amazing that some posters, presumably female, fight so hard not to hold the poor old dad responsible for the decisions he makes.

No! According to some it is always the woman, the mother who has the kids 90+% of the time, who has to make every single right move, like some beatific angel with a friggin Tardis and no life of her owon, god forbid a thought beyond getting her kids to see their feckless father.. wherever he may be!

No wonder there are so many "Is feminism dead?" threads recently!

But of course he's responsible for where he chooses to live. I don't think anyone disagrees with that. He's an adult making his own choices.

I'm with DH and we've chosen our relationship, not because we're thinking with our genitals

OP is with a new partner and had another baby. This decision was on what suited her vagina best?

Life happens. If you both want the DC to keep a good relationship with both parents, you don't look for ways to justify obstacles. No, it hasn't helped that he's moved two hours away. Is it the end of the world meeting him halfway? No. Does she have too? No. Is it fair to justify on the basis that she's had a new baby with another partner and doesn't like that the reason for the move is to be with his partner? No. Is it right for him to not see them if she doesn't meet him halfway? No.

Neither are putting DC first. They just don't want to accommodate each other.

I'm with DH and we've chosen our relationship, not because we're thinking with our genitals

I can’t imagine it’s a very serious relationship given you’re comparing it to the man who is onto his 5th live in relationship in 18 months.

Are you really so set on the mental gymnastics of proving the man isn’t to blame that you’re suggesting a single serious relationship is comparable to 5 in 18 months?

YANBU

He moved away. He chose to do this, knowing it would be difficult to see his DC. He can do all the travelling, and will have to find a way to entertain the DC locally for as long as the baby can be away from OP due to BF.

@Courtney555 and @june2007 and @MintyMabel

OP parents these children the vast majority of the time. Contact has been sporadic solely due to the choices of their father. OP clearly does the bulk of the parenting and you’ve chosen to denigrate her for not wanting to do yet another thing when their father does very little. Suggesting she doesn’t have her children’s best interests at heart really is quite shocking.

All those saying op is wrong for not going along with what he has asked, have you actually experienced your father living with different women every few months putting their selfish needs above the child, I was that child and I can say having a mother allow him to treat me that way by helping with transport or doing everything to enable him to continue putting others before the children or helping a father treat his children as after thoughts messes you up even when your a adult, my father doing what the op exp is doing, has left me with severe trust issues and depression an anxiety even after 3 lots of conselling. It is better for a useless father or mother not to be around then pick up an drop the children when it's too much hassle the damage doesn't show till its too late.

They just don't want to accommodate each other. No, it's a case of the ex creating the situation, creating the distance in the full knowledge of what he was doing, and expecting OP to facilitate and accommodate his decision.

Two hours a day out of your weekend is no small thing.

There are, on average, approx 30 days per month. The father has them for a maximum of around 4 days per month. OP is getting it in the neck for not wanting to trek a 2 hour round trip twice a month despite being the main parent for around 85 percent of the time. I think she does enough, on balance.

But that's all it is... imagining. It might not be serious. It might be very serious. OP says they are to be married. Whether he dates one or ten women prior to settling with his supposed fiance is none of OPs business. It's none of his that she's with someone else either.

It's certainly not a basis to justify why you can't both drive an hour to ensure access for DC.

If OP doesn't want to do that, that's down to OP's personal opinion, not based on whether it's actually reasonable.

"Their dad's moved, we both have to drive an hour to drop off and collect DC" is by no means outrageous.

I'd drive DS on a 45 mins each way trip to drop him off and collect him from his DF. I didn't have too. And I could have insisted that I shouldn't have too. But actually, it's no big deal. He didn't want to come to my house and be reminded of his old life. I respected that, and did the travelling to his, because DS seeing him was more important than me claiming "if you want to see your DC, you get him."

Both of them are losing sight of who's important here.

Have read some but not all of the thread.

Here's my situation: DS age 10 lives with me full time. We started with Court Ordered 60:40 care (in my favour), and then 100% with me due to deteriorating relationship between ex and DS. There are no safe guarding issues (not legally anyway, emotional abuse is complicated). If DS wants to see his Dad it can happen. If ex wants to see DS against his will he takes me to Court.

He wants to see his Dad, but it's complicated. Very.

Long story short, if I didn't enable contact ie take DS to the arranged place then he would have no relationship at all with him. I get the fall out from his confusion. He loves his Dad, he can't understand why his Dad doesn't respond to my emails about contact, or make more effort to see him, or make changes at his home so DS would be happier there. It takes WEEKS to make a contact plan. I hate it, it causes me huge anxiety.

Sure, I could just cut him out completely (trust me I cannot wait for the day DS is old enough to do this on his own like my 20 YO) and tell him his Dad is a complete tosser who puts himself first, and everything has to be on his terms, that he lied to CMS etc etc, but the person who loses is out son. I don't want to do that. I don't want him to ever think I dug my heels in or needed to make a point, or put my own needs above his.

Only time will tell.

Sounds like it won't be lasting long - wonder where he will move to next.
Be nice if he put his kids first though wouldn't it!

Whether he dates one or ten women prior to settling with his supposed fiance is none of OPs business

And yet again, the concern of how that will affect her children is very much her business.

"It's all about the children"

As long as it's the woman doing all the work and sacrifice.

Your ex and his gf are knobs.

Dh moved two hours away from his son and he does all the travel. 5 hours Fri and Sun eow. He does it so he can see his son, it's also bonding road trip time for them.

Its exhausting but he moved away so he does the driving. Simple as that!

I'm with the majority op - he needs to find a way to make this work. Even if you didn't have a newborn, it's unreasonable to expect you to facilitate his lifestyle choices.

If he'd moved for work then it would be more understandable.

” Whether he dates one or ten women prior to settling with his supposed fiance is none of OPs business.”

These children having contact weekends with 5 different women in 18 months is entirely the mother’s business and actually very relevant. I wonder how many partners you’ve moved into your child’s personal space, Courtney555? I bet it’s not as many at this father, in such a short period of time. If a mother posted this, she’d be torn to shreds.

And yet again, the concern of how that will affect her children is very much her business.

And yet nothing of concern has arisen.

You can make an excuse for everything. Or you can say, we should do what's best for our DC. This applies to both of them.

@TheOrigFV45 gives perfect example

I am so absolutely thankful that I live in a world brought up by strong women and a father with morals whereby 'putting the needs of my children' does not amount to being a doormat and cowtowing to a deadbeat dad who puts his 5th 'relationship' over contact with his children.

See me? I wouldn't move some random in with my child after a few weeks - this is a bloke who met this woman a few weeks ago - what kind of mother would put their children at risk like that? They can't possibly know him but no, as long as the mother has her new squeeze like something off a bad 'benefit street' programme then we'll always have these poor excuses for women putting feckless men above their children.

THAT'S who the likes of the Minty's and Courtney's of this world should be concerned about - I'd like to say it's not common but I see it day in day out in my job.

Well that was a well balanced post

He ought to have considered the travel to and from his DC when he decided to move, and made sure he knew how this was going to work, not just go ahead with a big decision like that and assume the OP was going to pick up the slack.

That was his decision and he needs to make the arrangements, not the OP. She does enough already.

Running around after him sets an awful example to her DCs.

I'm assuming you mean me @ Courtney?

It's very well balanced as I see the outcome of weak women putting their partners - whether short (as in the OP's exOH) or long-term - do you disagree with what I've said? If so why?

You've said the mother should put her children first - how about the father puts his children first? I'd move heaven and earth to see my child/children and would not be quibbling about miles. Why not ask him why his children aren't so important?

YANBU. You are already doing 90% of the parenting, and given that Ex will be paying much less maintenance you'll probably be shouldering a similar proportion of the costs.

He is a parent, it's his responsibility to facilitate his own parenting. He doesn't do half the travel for school runs/ after school clubs/ swimming lessons/ visits to the dentist/ playdates etc- why should you do all that, then do 50% of the tiny amount of travel he does do?

If you are not facilitating it because you are sore because of his life choices, you absolutely are

This made me laugh. How the op is to blame for his life choices.
If anyone should have been thinking about this is him. Not like he woke up today and found out he had children. He knew of their existence before he made a life choice to move.

The only one who would be blocking contact would be him.

She has no obligation to do the drive. It shouldn't be her problem to deal with because he moved.

As an occasional one-off, fine. But every time not a chance.

Good Lord. He chose to move 2 hours away so he has to suck up the extra petrol, wear and tear on car and 2 hours travelling.
Why the hell should the OP have to do it? She hasn't moved.
I wouldn't want to do it and I don't have a newborn.
I am the child of divorced parents. My Dad moved twice. He then had to travel to me. As a teen at some point I took the coach or train.
No way should my mum have had to facilitate him
What is wrong with some of you?

@ Courtney555 - And the needs of the 3rd DC? The one who was conceived with her partner of 5 years and (likely) born before OP knew Ex would moving 2 hours away. It's in their best interest to spend an hour in a car, be breastfed at a service station or lay by, then spend another hour in the car 2 days in a row? (Assuming there's no delays or accidents).

And what about the financial needs of all three DC? We dont know OP's financial situation, just that she is now facing a reduction in maintenance, and potentially 16+ hours petrol each month.

A good father would move heaven and earth to see their DC. If OP refused to do the travelling (rightly or not), a good father might grumble but would do it anyway, to see their kids.
Mind you, a good father would not have already had regular occurrences of sporadic contact for personal reasons, and would not reduce money and their availability to their DC to move in with ther "true love" of a few weeks.

OP has done enough. She already takes on the majority of their care and finances. (If his maintenance will reduce because he's moving in with children then its reasonably safe to assume he's paying the minimum). Plus by the sound of it bent over backwards to enable his chaotic lifestyle.
Just how much does a DM need to do before the failings of the father are no longer her responsibility? And at what point does that stop being in the DC's interest? You can't make someone be a good parent, and at some point it's better for the DC (especially the elder) to let their parents step up, or not, and not try to cover for a feckless parent.