to refuse to do half the travel?

[floatygoat]

Ex has moved two hours away to live with latest girlfriend (this is the 5th girlfriend in 18 months he's shacked up with and expected our two DC to play happy families with every other weekend).

He has now announced he expects me to do half the travel.

AIBU to tell him to do one? He can have the kids when he likes but no I won't be doing half the travel. I also have a newborn and couldn't do this without several stops on the way there and back to breastfeed, even if I wanted to.

He's the one who chose to move 2 hours away. It's on him to bear the consequences of the extra costs and time & effort to see his kids.

It's not like it's a come as a big surprise to him that he now lives further from his kids.

‘I’ll leave you to think about how you’re acting’.

I wonder if anyone on the planet, after having that pious little dig aimed at them, immediately thought, "you know what? Yes, I've been thoughtless and stupid and I will of course now do what you want."

Have you got a court order? There is nothing stopping him collecting the DC but refusing to bring them back - as "he hasn't got the fuel" and you'll have to travel anyway.

@PanamaPattie No court order. If he did that he'd have to get a court order to see them again after I got them back.

Sounds reasonableto share the journey. What if you wanted to move away?. I think there does need to be give and take and it sounds like yur not giving.

@MintyMabel bit odd to suggest she has turned them against him when you have said 'how will you feel when they ask why you stopped them seeing daddy' that is much more damaging to a relationship and isn't what is happening. All the OP has said is how she would respond ... with he truth she hasn't stopped him. He left them. He put a new family first. She makes the girls available and does the majority of the care and parenting day to day. Why does she have to drive all weekend aswell. Not really fair on her new baby either. Plus I think the journey isn't fair on the kids generally 4 hours minimum in a car each weekend. Not fun.

Yeah, just say it won't be possible because of the newborn, car seat safety regulations plus bfing. It would be incredibly distracting to have a newborn screaming while you are driving.

Txt back and say you have thought about how you acting and you are acting with the best interests of all 3 of your dcs. The dcs will be available on their normal days, should he chose not to collect them that is his choice, as it was also his choice to move so far away from the dcs.

If he carries on being a knobber, just refuse to discuss it. 'I have given you my answer on this already, why are you raising it again. The answer is still no.'

@MintyMabel - you must be the ex’s new gf 😂

And any women that lets a man move in with her 3 kids after weeks of only knowing him is a massive idiot. She deserves to be judged for that alone.

OP - stick to your guns. He decided to move 2 hours away, he can do the driving.

I don't why the reason is relevant. That's where he's moved too. Whether it's for work, for social reason, for a partner. It's none of OPs concern.

Couldn't agree more that it's not OP's concern. This is exactly why it's also not her responsibility to sort out the consequences of his freely made life choices. He chose it so he can manage it.

Your version is that she has no right to a view, but has the responsibility to cater to his needs, wants and desires. I'm really sad for you if that's how your own relationships work, because frankly, that's borderline abusive. Maybe you should consider The Freedom Programme?

Wow. So you want to judge women for their choices too? Nice.

I started the judging and I stand by it. Any parent that allows someone they’ve only dated for a short time, to move in with them and their children is irresponsible at best and bloody selfish. They’ve given no thought to how this might affect their children and they won’t know the person well enough to know if they will have a positive affect on the children.

Only a selfish parent decides to ^move away then, because of their thoughtless actions, accuses the other parent of trying to undermine the other by turning their kids against them. Blaming the other parent doesn’t make it any better for the children, who, after all, are what’s important here. so he should have thought of the fact that his ex has a small baby whereas there is nothing to stop h from driving.

You’re sort of saying it’s not ok for your girls to be spending time with strange women etc but are they also not now living with another male figure if you have a newborn?

You could offer him to have them for longer stretches in the school holidays.

Somehow I don't think he'll bite your hand off for that either...

Presumably he has friends/family that still live near you. Nothing to stop him driving up Friday evening to pick the DDs up early Saturday he has plenty of options 🤷🏽‍♀️

@maddiemookins - op hasn’t actually said how long they have been split up. The youngest is 6 so they could of been split up for 5+ years🤷🏼‍♀️

but are they also not now living with another male figure if you have a newborn?

I imagine the OP knew the child’s father for longer than a few months before he moved in, if indeed he is living with her.

@MintyMabel Only a selfish parent decides to undermine the other by turning their kids against them. Blaming the other parent doesn’t make it any better for the children, who, after all, are what’s important here

This man wrote: "you will have to explain to the kids why they're missing out because I already will have" so I think it's fairly clear which is capable of that.

And yes, of course it's wrong to involve kids in adult relationships before you know that they're sustained and sustainable. That's surely just single parenting 101, no? He's also expecting their mother to fund his life choices, while reducing maintenance. Effectively that means he's expecting his children to do it.

Can't fathom how any woman could support that. As you note, the kids come first. That would mean not seeing a further drop in their standard of living due to his move a long way from their home.

A woman doing what he is would be demonised beyond belief.

if he has only had them 3 nights in a month (and it sounds like it is usually less) why the rush for EOW? Couldn’t he just drive over sometimes (once a month) to visit and then have them over night once a month?

Over night visits aren’t compulsory. My son sees his dad 4 days a week after school, sometimes on weekends and lots in the holidays but over nights are only occasional.

Wow my dcs dad and I have never lived together and when his car broke down I offered to bring dc in a cab to him- he thanked me but refused because ‘my time, my problem’ and got his dp to bring him.
He’s always said he’s more than happy to do both pick up and drop off (unless he’s away and his lovely dp has ds for some quality time, which she also collects him for)

I’d be judging him nine ways to Sunday if he was on his 5th gf in 18months! I’d have lost my shit at him introducing my kids to them all too if he had!

Op imo you’re completely in the right and his current squeeze needs to fuck off messaging you anything. She clearly doesn’t know who she’s moving into her house with her dc because if she did, he wouldn’t be! Rose tinted specs will fall off soon and he’ll be on to the next when that happens.

@maddiemookins16mum
My partner and I have been together for 5 years. He met my daughters when we had been seeing each other for 6 months. He moved in when we had been seeing each other for two years. He is not a "strange man".

"Dear current gf of X months. Kindly keep out of mine and my ex's child arrangements, they are our responsibility not yours. I am more than happy to explain to the kids that their dad has moved X miles away and therefore the extra travel this has caused means although he wants to be won't see them quite as often so we' ll be using video chat a lot more to compensate. They know mum has a newborn and the onus on dealing with the increased travel caused by dad's move is not on their mum - it's on their dad. I don't expect to hear from you again but will be blocking your number just in case you decide to step out of your lane again and bypass the only acceptable route of communication with me - their dad".

I took 5th girlfriend in 18 months to mean that was how long OP had been separated unless he went for a couple of years without a girlfriend. Meaning that she was in a serious relationship within 9 months of the split. So not really in a position to cast aspersions.

@Sheldonoscopy I have tried before to say "please don't introduce the girls to this one til you've been together a few months" but he just takes them to the new woman's house anyway. I'd literally have to say "take me to court if you want to see them" to stop them having to go stay in these different women's houses to see their dad. My theory is it's better to know that their dad loves them and wants to see them than try to stop contact.

And yes she definitely wouldn't be moving him in if she knew what he was really like. He is feckless and a user.

are you a step mum? You seem like you're a bit clouded.

I’ve seen the fallout when selfish parents can’t act like grown ups to effectively parent their children who didn’t ask to be born into chaos, thats’s all.

@helpfulperson no he is on his 5th girlfriend in 18 months as in - since he split from his last long term gf (not me).

Being in a serious relationship within months of a split is absolutely fine. It sounds like the new partner didn’t move in for a while. This is quite common and normal. Moving in with 5 partners in 18 months must be very confusing for the children and possibly upsetting.

The reason he moved is very relevant. If he had no work and it was best for him to keep providing money for his children, then yes, I’d understand. There are very few things that would make me move 2 hours away from my children. Even if I did, I wouldn’t quibble at the drive. I’d want to do everything to see my DC as often as possible.