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AIBU?

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Original poster

to refuse to do half the travel?

254 replies

floatygoat · 01/12/2019 16:04

Ex has moved two hours away to live with latest girlfriend (this is the 5th girlfriend in 18 months he's shacked up with and expected our two DC to play happy families with every other weekend).

He has now announced he expects me to do half the travel.

AIBU to tell him to do one? He can have the kids when he likes but no I won't be doing half the travel. I also have a newborn and couldn't do this without several stops on the way there and back to breastfeed, even if I wanted to.

OP posts:
MintyMabel · 01/12/2019 19:03

Again - it's two hours round trip -not one hour.
So you have the opportunity to stop, feed, then come back. One hour in the car at a time. Not an extended journey.

Again - I'm not stopping them from seeing him.
If you are not facilitating it because you are sore because of his life choices, you absolutely are.

As pps have said if he'd had no choice but to move I'd do half the travel. However that is just not the case here.
So it isn’t a problem to do it with the baby as you suggest, it’s because you don’t like his life choices. That’s a shitty reason to not do the best for your girls.

MintyMabel · 01/12/2019 19:04

girls children

Yetanotherwinter · 01/12/2019 19:04

I suppose it depends whether your child will miss out if you don’t do half the travelling. I understand the advice to tell him to do one but if that means your child not seeing his father I would be the bigger person and help facilitate contact.

Practicalmagico · 01/12/2019 19:04

YABU. Do it for the good of your children.

JacquesHammer · 01/12/2019 19:05

If you are not facilitating it because you are sore because of his life choices, you absolutely are

He’s going to reduce maintenance and expect her to cover the costs?

Nah, he’s a shit father. You quite rightly say it’s his life choice. He doesn’t get to make decisions for the OP any more. He needs to facilitate his own contact.

FabbyChix · 01/12/2019 19:05

I agree you should not do it. His choice his problem

Cuppachino · 01/12/2019 19:08

Imagine ten years on when they ask “mummy, why did you stop us seeing our daddy” and the response is “because I couldn’t be bothered driving for a couple of hours at the weekend.”

Oh FFS, talk about missing the point. How in god's name would it be OPs fault if the DCs father didn't come and see them? HE is the one who moved away. It is up to HIM to see his own children.

Dollymixture22 · 01/12/2019 19:10

The latest girlfriend sounds lovely🙄.

How dare she interfere and scold you like that. I agree repLy saying it Has absolutely nothing to do with her and you only expect to hear from her if there is an emergency and the children’s dad cannot contact you.

Your ex moved and should therefore shoulder the responsibility of the extra travel.

carly2803 · 01/12/2019 19:13

fuck no!!

id tell him fuck off but im extremely hot headed and bite before i think.

He moved, his choice, his problem

stick to your guns OP, !! HELL NO

IwouldntmarryHeathcliffe · 01/12/2019 19:13

MintyMabel

If you were right I’d agree with you.

CanIHaveADrink · 01/12/2019 19:21

I think that asking you to drive two hours om Saturday and then on Sunday with a bfing newborn is unreasonable.

But as he now has a new job in that city, in the long run, I think it would be good to facilitate the contact between your dcs and their dad. For the sake of your dds, not to make it easier for him iyswim.
From what you are saying, he is likely to nit bother a lot anyway (and probably less than he was when he was living closer). But that way you are not the one who stopping your dcs from seeing him. And you know you have done your best for your dcs.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 01/12/2019 19:22

So you have the opportunity to stop, feed, then come back. One hour in the car at a time. Not an extended journey.

The OP has already explained that the baby is cluster feeding unless I’m misremembering, which means she may have to stop a couple of times, plus nappy changes. The two hour round trip could end up as a three hour round trip.

It can’t be good for the children to have to visit their feckless father in all these different homes, getting attached to then losing different women and children. It can’t be good for their long term emotional well-being. He’s an absolute waste of fucking space and I’m not seeing it being any worse for the children seeing him less, because he’s too selfish to collect them.

friedbeansandcheese · 01/12/2019 19:23

My ex’s ex-wife moved 3.5 hours away from us. She then refused to ever bring her dc to us. So we had to do the travelling all the time for the next 10 years, through us having our own dc. But we dud it. Wouldn’t have seen dsc otherwise.

Yanbu though - he loved so should travel. Especially since he doesn’t have a bf newborn.

LaDameAuxLicornes · 01/12/2019 19:25

All you can do is to try to put your DC's interests ahead of your own anger and protect their relationship with their dad, while also protecting yourself and your newborn.

I don't think it's in any way reasonable for you to take on heavy travelling commitments with a newborn when it wasn't negotiated in advance. However, I would keep the message as neutral as possible. "I'm sorry, I'm afraid I'm not in a position to be able to take on travelling commitments just now. However, I will of course facilitate your seeing the girls as much as is possible. I know they're very keen to see you every other weekend if you can continue to make that happen. I do hope you can arrange something."

CanIHaveADrink · 01/12/2019 19:26

@MintyMabel re b’fing, it really depends in the child.
Dc2 was cluster feeding and I wouldn’t have been able to do a one hour drive wo stopping. I’ve been known to have to stop after 10 mins drive.
Dc1 was the type of child that would scream, and I mean really scream blue murder as soon as he was just tiny bit hungry. Again no way you would have made him wait wit( him being a bit wingy until you get to your destination.
So from my experience, expecting a newborn to be happy with being out in a car for n hour wo a break can be asking for too much tbh. (And then you need to add the issue with the OP not arriving on time because she had to stop for feeding etc...).
Other side if the coin, is that it won’t be nice for a newborn to be stuck in a car seat for 2+hours two days in a row either.

DioneTheDiabolist · 01/12/2019 19:28

Imagine ten years on when they ask “mummy, why did you stop us seeing our daddy” and the response is “because I couldn’t be bothered driving for a couple of hours at the weekend.”
But the OP isnt stopping them from seeing their dad, he moved away and can't be arsed collecting them and dropping them off.

OddBoots · 01/12/2019 19:29

"So you have the opportunity to stop, feed, then come back. One hour in the car at a time. Not an extended journey."

With a cluster-feeding newborn?

Northernsoullover · 01/12/2019 19:36

Minty give it up Confused are you the new GF or are you always this awful?

Butterfly84 · 01/12/2019 19:39

Cannot believe that your ex's new girlfriend would think it appropriate to attempt to intervene. I hope that you have not entertained her desire for an argument over text.

I completely agree that your ex should be the one picking up and dropping off the children. But what would worry me is that because he is already expressed that he his not happy about doing the travel, what if he picks up the children and then refuses to drive to bring them home? OP, you need to put your foot down and make it clear that you won't be doing the travel and when your ex next picks up the children, make sure that he knows what time they need to be back by.

DioneTheDiabolist · 01/12/2019 19:42

PMSL that this is being described as an opportunity for the OP.GrinGrinGrin Have you been on the wacky backy Minty?Confused

soph7777 · 01/12/2019 19:49

I think YABU, they are both of your kids not just 'yours' so whilst you feel he should travel to you, he could feel the same. I think one of you should drop the kids to the others house as you are both parents so technically you should collect them from his in the same way he would with you.

soph7777 · 01/12/2019 19:50

Do what's right for your children, is surely the key.

Imagine ten years on when they ask “mummy, why did you stop us seeing our daddy” and the response is “because I couldn’t be bothered driving for a couple of hours at the weekend.”*

I agree with this I actually think it's childish and selfish of you to not do it if you want the truth. Your resentment towards your ex is going to affect your kids possibly if you don't.

mumwon · 01/12/2019 19:52

I wonder if minty has changed her name -there was someone on yesterday on 2 different subjects & the language used & the argumentative attitude remind me of her - interesting - so I reckon she is either a troll, a kid, a mcp (old fashioned feminist term from 1960's), or a Daily Fail reporter, or a bitter ex, or the current fleeting gf

Cuppachino · 01/12/2019 19:52

MintyMabel

No-one agrees with you no matter how many different spins you try to put on it.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 01/12/2019 19:53

So what would you suggest the OP does with her tiny cluster feeding baby on this two, more likely three hour round trip? Is it fare on the baby to have to sit in a car this long?

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