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AIBU?

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Original poster

WIBU to say something

140 replies

Flotoddo · 10/09/2019 14:11

Name changed for this as this possibly could be outing

My son is almost 17 and finished gcses in June.

He's never had a girlfriend (we've always been open and he admits he hasn't got a girlfriend) but I've thought nothing of it.

Yesterday his friend came round (they've been friends since year 7 and he's openly gay). And when I was walking past his room to wake DS from his nap and I saw them kissing.

Now I don't know where to go from here? Would I be unreasonable to mention something? If I said something what would I say? I need advice please!

OP posts:
Templetonstunafish · 10/09/2019 14:15

What do you want to say? I would probably just leave him to it and wait for him to tell you if he wants to. Maybe allow yourself some time to get used to the idea before you overwhelm your son with your emotions. Your role is to be supportive to him. There are lots of resources online for parents of gay/bi/questioning teens.

Shoxfordian · 10/09/2019 14:16

Don't say anything
Let him tell you if he wants to, he's almost an adult

ButterflyOne1 · 10/09/2019 14:16

How do you feel about them kissing? If you support your son then I'd say speak to him about it. If you're not going to support him then I wouldn't say anything as you'll just upset him.

Cockinghell · 10/09/2019 14:22

I'd just give him a big hug, tell him what you saw & reassure him that you still love him no matter what his sexual preference is. He's probably scared that you won't accept him being gay which is why he hasn't felt comfortable telling you (even though it 2019 & it's completely acceptable kids are still scared of how their loved ones will react). Not saying youve ever said or done anything to make him feel that way

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 10/09/2019 14:23

I was strongly advised by gay friends not to say anything to my gay child because it is theirs to tell and theirs to decide when they are ready to do it.

This was very frustrating, because I was pretty sure for about five years before I got officially Told, and then I had to pretend I hadn't been wondering how much longer it was going to be before I was finally let in on it!

But the child tells me now that I got it exactly right, as compared with the horror stories heard from friends about their parents, so I think that may be the way to go.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 10/09/2019 14:26

I am not sure you need to say anything, he must be quite comfortable if his friend comes round and they are up to stuff when you're in the house? How are you with his friend? Assuming you are completely fine then maybe he hasn't said anything as he knows it isn't an issue for you, and like most 17 year olds, doesnt want to talk about his sex life with his mum.

I would probably just carry on or say whatever you would say if youd seen him with a girl

MrsMozartMkII · 10/09/2019 14:26

Would you say anything if he'd been kissing a girl?

If yes, then you say something now equal to what you would've said had it been a girl (sans the bit about unwanted pregnancy); if no, then you say nothing.

Templetonstunafish · 10/09/2019 14:26

He may still be unsure about his sexuality. He may not be gay, he may be bi or fluid etc. There are many reasons he might not have come out to you and you should give him space and respect that. Whilst also, subtlety, making sure you have an LGBT friendly home/attitude.

Original poster
Flotoddo · 10/09/2019 14:28

I support him but I don't know what I'd say if I spoke to him.

I had no other reason to think he was gay except him not having a girlfriend but I thought nothing of it.

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 10/09/2019 14:28

Don't say anything. Would you have been inclined to say anything if the friend had been a girl and you'd seen them kissing?

'Coming out' needs to be controlled and owned by the individual. I know gay men in their 40s who still feel aggrieved at having been "dragged out of the closet" by others when they were still in their teens, discovering their feelings.

Original poster
Flotoddo · 10/09/2019 14:33

He invited his friend round to play on the xbox.

I get on well with his friend

OP posts:
AmIThough · 10/09/2019 14:35

If he'd told you his female friend was coming round and then you saw them kissing, would you say something?

Windydaysuponus · 10/09/2019 14:39

Apparently all my dc knew but I never did - that ds was gay. Never crossed my mind one way /other.
When he was about to start college I casually mentioned there might be some nice girls there. Or some nice lads. Said I just hoped he met someone nice tbh!
He has been seeing a lad for about 2 years openly.
Maybe suggest your ds seems happy around his friend and that you are pleased. Then put the kettle on!! .

KUGA · 10/09/2019 14:54

I would be honest with him and say you saw them kissing and your pleased he`s happy
Also tell him that his BF { best friend } is always welcome in our home.

dollydaydream114 · 10/09/2019 15:02

I wouldn’t say anything. He’ll tell you when he’s ready. This might even be a one-off experiment for all we know - it does happen. So I’d let him decide. Presumably he is aware that you would be supportive?

When I was 17 I’d have been mortified if my mum had told me she’d seen me snogging anyone, and I imagine your son will feel the same (even aside from the fact that he might not feel ready to come out).

Beerincomechampagnetastes · 10/09/2019 15:10

I wouldn’t say anything. He may prefer to have privacy while he’s exploring his sexuality. Maybe it would make things awkward for his friendship if he knows you know they’ve been intimate.
Maybe he’ll come out- maybe he won’t 🤷‍♀️
Maybe he kissed his friend once but they’re not pursuing a relationship.

Beerincomechampagnetastes · 10/09/2019 15:11

Cross post with molly

OrangeSlices998 · 10/09/2019 15:15

I really wouldn't say anything, it's for him to bring up when he wants to. If you're unsure of what to say, just be normal. Check he's happy and safe, and tell him you're happy for him and love him very much. And then pop the kettle on and ask what he'd like for dinner - when my friend came out many moons ago she was so worried what me and another friend would say and imagined this massive reaction to her being gay and dating a woman. I think she was slightly offended we just said 'Oh cool! What's she like? Where did you meet her? Etc.' If you support him, which I hope you do, then don't treat him any differently. He may well have imagined this will cause a huge reaction!

Original poster
Flotoddo · 10/09/2019 15:16

I don't know if my DH would accept him.

If he was kissing a girl I'd give him the safe sex talk if I didn't already (I haven't because he hasn't had a girlfriend)

OP posts:
Dutch1e · 10/09/2019 15:21

I would say something to my kid no matter what the gender of the other person! A moment like that absolutely calls for a bit of good-humoured banter, that's what families are for.

PositiveVibez · 10/09/2019 15:21

we've always been open and he admits he hasn't got a girlfriend

A very strange and telling choice of words imho. Like he should should be ashamed 'admitting' he *hasn't" got a girlfriend.

Leave him be.

Dutch1e · 10/09/2019 15:22

Oh, sorry, I just saw your post about DH possibly being unsupportive. That does change things.

What's your first instinct on what to do?

Bobbyflay · 10/09/2019 15:23

Erm... you do know that he still needs a safe sex talk.

Also, DH might not accept him? Wow, what a great man.

HiJenny35 · 10/09/2019 15:27

I think the safe sex talk is important whatever his preference. As for you DH I think I'd not tell him what happened but say that as he's never had a girlfriend you wonder if he is gay and start to put the idea in his head rather than it being a massive shock if your son tells him. To your son I wouldn't say anything about the kiss.