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AIBU?

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Original poster

WIBU to say something

140 replies

Flotoddo · 10/09/2019 14:11

Name changed for this as this possibly could be outing

My son is almost 17 and finished gcses in June.

He's never had a girlfriend (we've always been open and he admits he hasn't got a girlfriend) but I've thought nothing of it.

Yesterday his friend came round (they've been friends since year 7 and he's openly gay). And when I was walking past his room to wake DS from his nap and I saw them kissing.

Now I don't know where to go from here? Would I be unreasonable to mention something? If I said something what would I say? I need advice please!

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 10/09/2019 15:32

The safe sex talk needs to happen regardless of a teen having a relationship or not. It's just sensible life advice.

Original poster
Flotoddo · 10/09/2019 15:37

I know I have to still give him the safe sex talk but I don't know if to give it now or when he comes out.

My DH probably wouldn't support him because when our friend came out as bi a few weeks ago he said no way would one of his children be bi or gay.

OP posts:
Templetonstunafish · 10/09/2019 15:46

Then you should probably start deciding which one of them you're going to choose. Sorry to be blunt but you will loose your son if he does turn out to be gay and you stand by a husband who does not support him. Please do not out him to your husband. Push back if you hear such commentary from him again. Loudly.

billy1966 · 10/09/2019 15:47

OP, on the back of your husband being unable to accept him, you have a lot to think about.

I wouldn't say anything, I would give him time to decide himself but you could indeed mention how much you like his friend.

You husband not accepting him is huge. You need time to process how you are going to deal with that.

Your son will never ever forget the reaction he gets from you both initially and the pain a bad reaction can inflict should not be underestimated.

How are you going to stay married if your husband refuses to accept your son?

I would give this some thought and perhaps talk it through with someone.

Wishing you the best💐

WhoKnewBeefStew · 10/09/2019 15:54

Did he hear your dh say that about your friends dc? If he did it might explain his hesitation about telling you

lvsel · 10/09/2019 15:58

I actually think it would help him If you said something so he can be free say you support him fully

PotatoShape · 10/09/2019 16:00

How sad that his dad wouldn't accept him Sad
No wonder he won't say anything.

SiliconHeaven · 10/09/2019 16:02

My DH probably wouldn't support him because when our friend came out as bi a few weeks ago he said no way would one of his children be bi or gay
So you don’t have a gay DS issue, you have a bigot DH issue. What are you going to do about this?

Shoxfordian · 10/09/2019 16:05

Your dh is homophobic
I would divorce my dh for this

Cakeorchocolate · 10/09/2019 16:10

I think you should have given the safe sex talk long ago. Regardless of whether he had a girlfriend or not.
Relationships aren't a prerequisite for sex.

As for dh. Obviously don't out your son to him. Especially since you don't actually know for sure.
But perhaps you can find a way to bring a conversation round to that to talk about it properly. Not just him making a pig headed, ignorant statement.
The last thing you need is a negative response from DH if/when ds does let you know.

Try to subtly find a way to let your ds know/remind him he can talk to you about anything so hopefully he talks to you soon.

At least you have a little time to get your head around the idea before then.

Cakeorchocolate · 10/09/2019 16:11

What did you say to you DH'S reaction to your friend coming out?

Original poster
Flotoddo · 10/09/2019 16:13

No DS didn't hear him say that.

OP posts:
LuckyLou7 · 10/09/2019 16:17

Your DH is a nasty bigot. I couldn't stay married to a man with such abhorrent views.
My DD is gay, I knew from quite early on, but never said anything. She told us when she and her girlfriend (now wife) decided to move in together.

youmeandconchitawurst · 10/09/2019 16:21

What a mess.

Your DS is doing fine - leave him alone, he'll tell you when he's ready. Or not, given his father. If his dad wasn't such a dinosaur I'd suggest just including his bf into the family in the same you might if he had a gf: invite to X, "are you and bf doing anything tomorrow" etc.

Do have to ask though: why the fuck have you left it to 17 to have the safe sex chat??? I don't care how embarrassing they find it - open talk about safe sex is as important for teens as crossing the road chat is for pre-teens. It doesn't need to be sexuality specific: condoms and consent are everybody's best friends.

MrsMozartMkII · 10/09/2019 16:24

Your 'D'H has no say in it - your son is what he is and that's the end of it. It'd be like saying your 'D'H didn't like your son being 5'5" and not 6', there's no changing it.

And I speak as the mother of two bi-daughters. They are what they are. Bloody brilliant human beings.

HollowTalk · 10/09/2019 16:25

How horrible for a child to grow up knowing that their dad wouldn't accept their sexuality.

1forAll74 · 10/09/2019 16:29

Just leave things as they are with your son. so say nothing.You don't know how he feels,and what he want's to do, and he will work thing out for himself.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 10/09/2019 16:30

My DH probably wouldn't support him because when our friend came out as bi a few weeks ago he said no way would one of his children be bi or gay.

Did your DS hear your DH speak that way? If so, that's a conversation you need to have, immediately.

Your son will tell you when he's ready. Have the safe sex talk - don't make it about anything other than "you know that when you start to have sex, you're going to need to keep yourself safe from STD's and STI's, this is how... I'll leave condoms in x place, help yourself and text me if it's too embarrassing to tell me face to face that you need more" because it's applicable regardless of sexual preference.

However, the thing with your DH is less easy to fix. He sounds like a fucking idiot and, frankly, I'd be reconsidering my choice to spend a lifetime with someone who had attitudes like that. Has he always been so dismissive of gay and bisexual people?

FudgeBrownie2019 · 10/09/2019 16:31

And I speak as the mother of two bi-daughters. They are what they are. Bloody brilliant human beings

Perfection!

Original poster
Flotoddo · 10/09/2019 16:38

When he was younger we told him about consent etc but my DH has said not to tell him anymore because he wasn't with a girl. It was the same when I asked him to teach son how to shave he said no because it wasn't a proper mustache

OP posts:
amusedbush · 10/09/2019 16:40

Wow, your DH sounds like an absolute cunt. I'd honestly leave him for that.

BowiesJumper · 10/09/2019 16:42

Talk to your son, offer your support and talk to him about safe sex.
If your husband is a big a dick as he sounds, he's going to need your support.

BloggersBlog · 10/09/2019 16:45

"no because it wasn't a proper mustache" 😂😂 sorry but I've never heard anyone be so stupid about shaving, what a strange dh you have!!

Chloemol · 10/09/2019 16:46

Don’t you think the reason he’s not saying anything maybe down to the fact he knows what your ‘d’h would say? He may think you think the same

I would not say anything, he will tell you ( or not) when he is ready. However there is no reason not to have the safe sex talk with him regardless of the fact he doesn’t have a girlfriend or may it may not be gay

As regards your ‘d’ h He’s a idiot

TrainspottingWelsh · 10/09/2019 16:48

Ditto silicon and shox. Whatever the ungrounded concerns some dc might have about coming out to parents that would be supportive, if his dad is homophobic he will have picked up on that over the years.

Dd came out by randomly dropping it into a conversation about dsds friend and contraceptives. Can’t say that it required anymore deep thought or action than her preference for riding over gymnastics. The genitalia of anyone she maybe attracted to or have relationships with is irrelevant.

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