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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP wants to share my wages

131 replies

wanderluster · 25/08/2019 20:58

I am self employed and my work involves me working from home. This does somewhat take over the home for a few months at a time as I complete each project. DP does help out now and again with a few little bits but it is not his line of work and he has his own full time job with very healthy wage.

My issue is that as I'm self employed and get paid a substantial figure in a lump sum at the end of each project, I intend to put money aside for tax etc and also budget to pay myself a monthly wage. DP does not want me to do this, he is pressuring me to spend a good chunk of the money on things we wouldn't be able to afford outright and he wants me to get a part time job too to provide myself with the monthly wage I would like (!).

I think he is being hugely unreasonable, after all he does not share his wages with me (other than in contributing his fair share to monthly bills etc).
AIBU to stand my ground and say no, it's my money?

OP posts:
CruellaFeinberg · 25/08/2019 20:59

Are you married?

Do you have a joint account?

No - you should definitely keep money aside for your tax bill

IAskTooManyQuestions · 25/08/2019 21:01

Who is currently paying the bills ?

Cherrysoup · 25/08/2019 21:03

Why on earth would you share when he doesn’t. Just no!

justasking111 · 25/08/2019 21:03

Please do not get in a muddle with the tax man you are being wise putting money aside for them. As long as you split bills fairly My friend is a sculptor his income is a roller coaster ride feast and famine. Do not give in to this.

Jeschara · 25/08/2019 21:03

No definatly not. Keep your own earnings. He is a cheeky sod, wants to share half of yours but keeps his own salary. If you did this he would be on to a good thing there.

Chitarra · 25/08/2019 21:04

Of course YANBU. He can’t expect to have a share of your money if he isn’t prepared to share his own! How on earth can he justify that?! I assume you contribute to bills too?

Thehop · 25/08/2019 21:05

Piss taking cock nostril! No WAY!!! He wasn’t a you to get a second job so he can share??? Ha!!!

LellyMcKelly · 25/08/2019 21:08

Tell him to FUCK THE FUCK OFF. That’s insane.

PurpleWithRed · 25/08/2019 21:08

I would be seriously considering this relationship if I were you - it’s totally unfair and financially careless

LaBelleSauvage · 25/08/2019 21:08

YANBU. Either both of your incomes is communal, or none of it is. And of course that'd be not including your tax savings.

LaBelleSauvage · 25/08/2019 21:09

*are

AdaColeman · 25/08/2019 21:10

He's trying to control your finances and he thinks you are a mug.

Don't fall behind with tax payments whatever you do. Think about opening a private pension for yourself.

Don't give in to his pressure, don't give him access to your money.

MrsKittyFane1 · 25/08/2019 21:12

So he wants you to spend all your (earnings) money on large outgoings?
items for the house/holidays/building work you mean?
Whilst he keeps all of his wage?
He then wants you to work P/T for spending money each month?

Not a chance!!! Is he mad?

HairyDogsOfThigh · 25/08/2019 21:13

How very odd of him. I assume from your income you pay your share of the household bills. Do you contribute monthly, i assume this is why you want to spread your lump sum into a monthly wage. If you have enough to contribute your share, then it is beyond belief that he wants you to get a part time job as well.
How are the bills split/paid at the moment? Do you (both) contribute to a savings scheme to buy the larger purchases together?

Podwoman888 · 25/08/2019 21:14

This is an outrageous suggestion on his part.

No, you keep tight hold of your own money.

If you are not married I would seriously look at setting up a Co-habitation Agreement - via a solicitor.

wildcherries · 25/08/2019 21:15

Don't do this and don't let him take you for a mug.

minibroncs · 25/08/2019 21:16

Why do you even need to ask? It's transparently controlling and unreasonable.

What else does he do that's controlling or makes you doubt yourself?

nothingsreallynewunderthesun · 25/08/2019 21:16

Don't let him help out with your work, or pay him minimum wage hourly rate for helping out if it's actually useful to you. He appears to feel you're both doing your self employed projects, not just you, so knock that on the head.

Who's is the house it's taking over and to what extent? Are you making something which is spread everywhere, or filling the house with work related people at all hours?

You obviously need a work bank account, to automatically put tax into another ring fenced account, and to direct debit yourself a careful, conservative slightly less than 1/12 share of estimated annual post tax and expenses income to your personal account.

Tell him how much your monthly salary is, if you're privy to that information about his salary, rather than telling him a big sounding number which the client pays you for a project - telling him you've just been paid 20k might give him the idea you're rolling in it, when the reality is you do one big and 2 small projects per year bringing in 35k before costs, and after tax and business costs your income averages out to a very modest 1500 per month from which you need to pay your share of bills or something...

Do you actually have time for a part time job without ending up working more hours than he does? For your own sake, not to enable his wierd idea that your money is shared but his is his, is it worth having a steady source of salaried income as well as projects?

Do you have mutual children or own a joint property?

dollydaydream114 · 25/08/2019 21:16

If he doesn’t share his wages with you and you are currently both contributing to the household in proportion to what you earn, he is being incredibly unfair to ask you to start coughing up for extras AND get another job on top of your self-employed business. What the hell is wrong with him?

DelphiniumBlue · 25/08/2019 21:20

Is he subbing you? Because if not, why does he think he has a say over what you do with your earnings? Obviously you need to keep money for tax, you need to be paying NI and pension contributions too.As for what's left over, that's your net earnings. Why does he think you need to earn more? And is he looking at a second job himself?

Original poster
wanderluster · 25/08/2019 21:23

To answer some questions.

Yes we are married and have DC together

I have taken a career break to raise dc but I have a small monthly wage that has seen me able to contribute towards the household bills with a percentage that has been equal and I have been happy with.

I am currently halfway through my second project since ending my career break. The first paid off some debts we had both built up.

I should have clarified that he does not want me to use the money put aside for the tax man but does want 'us' to spend a big chunk of the money I want to set aside as a wage.

My argument is that if I pay myself a monthly wage then my monthly income will increase dramatically and therefore I will contribute much more to the 'pot' than I do currently, and if we want nice things such as a new kitchen! Then we can save for it like most others do!

OP posts:
FlamedToACrisp · 25/08/2019 21:27

Why not make an interim payment towards the tax? That way, the money's not available to be argued over.

This doesn't sound like a partnership to me.

But I'd definitely refuse all 'help' from him from now on.

Disfordarkchocolate · 25/08/2019 21:33

Your plan is ideal, and practical for anyone self-employed.

WhyBirdStop · 25/08/2019 21:42

I do see where he's coming from, he sees it as family money, because he was contributing more while you were at home. Problem is with bring self employed there's no guarantee of the next project. I think your idea of you contributing more to the pot then saving is better, but also the same (it's the same money), it'll just take a little longer. He wants to just splash the cash because it's there and because you as a family had less income before, so why not spend the extra. I'm more of a saver so I'm with you. Maybe get him to read the children's story 'the grasshopper who sings all summer'. I think it's where I learned lessons about being frivolous with money 😁

MrsTishellsNeckBrace · 25/08/2019 21:42

Not setting aside the tax money is fiscally irresponsible ime/imho.

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