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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP wants to share my wages

131 replies

wanderluster · 25/08/2019 20:58

I am self employed and my work involves me working from home. This does somewhat take over the home for a few months at a time as I complete each project. DP does help out now and again with a few little bits but it is not his line of work and he has his own full time job with very healthy wage.

My issue is that as I'm self employed and get paid a substantial figure in a lump sum at the end of each project, I intend to put money aside for tax etc and also budget to pay myself a monthly wage. DP does not want me to do this, he is pressuring me to spend a good chunk of the money on things we wouldn't be able to afford outright and he wants me to get a part time job too to provide myself with the monthly wage I would like (!).

I think he is being hugely unreasonable, after all he does not share his wages with me (other than in contributing his fair share to monthly bills etc).
AIBU to stand my ground and say no, it's my money?

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 25/08/2019 22:43

this is awful it is bordering on financial abuse

venusandmars · 25/08/2019 22:50

What you are doing is right. Budget for tax first, then pension, and then 'wages'.

Your wages (split into monthly amounts) are what you have to spend or contribute to the shared pot.

Your dp sees the whole amount and gets greedy eyes... He needs to understand how it works.

shithappens123 · 25/08/2019 22:53

This is about control. He doesn’t want you having any money of your own

INeedAFlerken · 25/08/2019 22:55

Wait. He earns 7x what you make, but you are using your materity pay/ savings to contribute 30% of the household bills. While you've had to give up your own career to raise HIS children because HIS job can't be worked around.

And he doesn't want to spend his own goddamn money on a new expensive kitche you don't need or want?1?

What a fucking arsehole.

He should be paying more. You shouldn't be going without fo ryourself just because you're at home with HIS children for HIS benefit.

Wanker.

YOu need a serious reevaluation of how your joint finances are being viewed and spent on HIS side..

Drabarni · 25/08/2019 22:56

You will have business expenses, tell him you can't just spend it. What about NI, will you need a bookkeeper/accountant etc. If I was you I'd form a company, just don't have him as a partner, or any share at all.

Original poster
wanderluster · 25/08/2019 23:02

I don't think he is being financially abusive, well not intentionally anyway.
I think he just sees the amount that is going to be paid and sees it as this big lump sum that we wouldn't get any other way.
He justifies his attitude by saying that it's not a guaranteed income, which makes no sense to me as surely that should make him less inclined to spend it all in one go!

Thank you for the replies. I am glad I am not being unreasonable

OP posts:
CaptainJaneway62 · 25/08/2019 23:10

Words fail me sometimes about how self interested and utterly tight fisted some people can be....

He sounds like a selfish git who has very little respect for you at all.

Don't give in to is totally unreasonable demands OP. If he wants a kitchen tell him to go and get a part time job seeing as he's too tight to dip into his savings and you already have 2 full time jobs anyway.

SarfE4sticated · 25/08/2019 23:26

If he earns 7 times what you earn OP, where does his 'spare' money go?

SavingSpaces2019 · 25/08/2019 23:28

He earns 7 x what I have been earning on my career break....but does want 'us' to spend a big chunk of the money I want to set aside as a wage...He does not want to spend any of his money on this new kitchen..

He's a cheeky fucker isn't he?...and i don't like his attitude.

He didn't want to consider all income as joint and pool it when you first had dc and reduced your own earnings - which is when it would have made every kind of sense to do so.
It would also have been fair because you're the one enabling him to do the job he does.

He also doesn't want to consider changing/reducing his own hours or job to enable you to go out and earn a 'proper' wage.

No. He sees your self-employed job as a 'hobby' and feels entitled to your wages....to spend on his interests.
On top of that he wants you to go out and get a SECOND job just so you have money to pay your 'share' of the bills!
Is he going to suddenly do more housework/childcare/mental load to enable this?

He earns 7x more than you!
Yet what is 'his' is his....and what's yours is his too????

he wants to take away my chance to earn a good wage
Yep - you got that right!
This is sneaky, manipulative behaviour with gaslighting thrown in.
Does he resent being the 'main' breadwinner?

Do you think maybe he's

ThisIsNotMyRealName1 · 25/08/2019 23:28

OP, if his proposed scenario is indeed as how Lulualla lays it out then lay it out for him in exactly the same way; if he can't see what's wrong with that then you have a problem. Stand your ground girl!

KUGA · 25/08/2019 23:33

F,,k him off.
he`s a dealer.

Quartz2208 · 25/08/2019 23:33

Yes tell him as lulualla says either everything is family money and divided fairly or it isn’t. He cant have his cake and eat it

nostaples · 25/08/2019 23:38

Here's the answer to a couple's finances: three bank accounts. One for you, one for him, one for joint expenditure. You each put an agreed amount into the joint account and agree what this is for. In our case it was for the mortgage, bills etc. Money in our personal accounts was for our own selves to decide what to do with without any negotiation. Oh, the money we put into the joint account was not an equal amount but an equal percentage of our salaries say 50%. Never met a couple who did this for whom it didn't work. Couples who don't often argue about money.

Twofurrycatsagain · 25/08/2019 23:38

I'd stomp on the 'big lump sum' to spend idea straight away. That's how self employment can go wrong very quickly.
Tax, national insurance, running costs, accountant etc. All have to be set aside first. Then a wage as you don't know how consistent payment is going to be.

CheeseyOnionPie · 25/08/2019 23:40

YANBU. You should use your money as you wish. He does the same after all doesn’t he?
And...the new kitchen which comes completely out of your money will presumably add value to a house you both own?

He’s bending this in his favour and it’s not fair.

Andysbestadventure · 25/08/2019 23:50

OP it is nothing to do with him how you pay yourself.

Why are you even entertaining his suggestions or letting him get a word in about it.

Pay yourself monthly and have three pots of your own. One for monthly wages. One for the taxman. One for leftover to add to the salary pot P/A. So as your salary pot increases, so does your monthly pay, if that makes sense?

TheKarateKitty · 26/08/2019 04:23

Your way is a good way, definitely tell him no way!

CrumpetyTea · 26/08/2019 07:04

I'm not sure if he is being out of order now ( it shouldn't matter how you allocate your after tax amount really as long as you get to retain the same amount) but he was definitely out of order before- how much did 30% of the joint costs mean that you were paying as a proportion of your salary? compared to how much of his salary was he using?

Original poster
wanderluster · 26/08/2019 10:18

@CrumpetyTea
He earns £50k and during my career break I earned around £7k (income from a rental property shared with my sister).

I paid around £450 into the pot and him around £1k. Together this covered all household bills.

I should add that I do not want to use all of the money for my wages alone, I intend to pay myself a healthy wage so I can enjoy things more but I also intend to put the 'leftover' after all other expenses into our joint savings account.

He is incredibly difficult to talk about money with. Believe it or not he is a lovely man in all other ways. He just believes that because my projects impact on him in our home, he should be entitled to some (most) of the money Confused

OP posts:
Lulualla · 26/08/2019 10:21

But his working outside of the home impacts on you, because you need to provide childcare. If he didn't work outside the home, you wouldn't be the only one responsible for that.
When you're in a family, everything one does affects the other. His job affects you. Your job affects him. The trade off is you get to have a family! He doesn't sound like a nice man.

FiveLittlePigs · 26/08/2019 10:31

He just believes that because my projects impact on him in our home, he should be entitled to some (most) of the money

Can you afford to rent a workshop so that removes this part of his reasoning?

Iloveacurry · 26/08/2019 10:34

So if he earns 50k, and pays £1k into the joint account, what happens to the rest of his salary? Which would be just over 2k left over every month.

Quartz2208 · 26/08/2019 10:38

Yes what exactly does he do with the remaining over 1k a month surely he has some savings

He may be a lovely man apart from this but this is a huge selfish horrible issue

cacklingmags · 26/08/2019 10:49

You are raising the child and working, I would kick DP hard in the arse.

petyeti · 26/08/2019 10:49

So you've taken time out to raise your children and he'a watched you struggle financially and doesn't actually give you access to money?

I'd be leaving this relationship to be honest.

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