DP wants to share my wages

[wanderluster]

I am self employed and my work involves me working from home. This does somewhat take over the home for a few months at a time as I complete each project. DP does help out now and again with a few little bits but it is not his line of work and he has his own full time job with very healthy wage.

My issue is that as I'm self employed and get paid a substantial figure in a lump sum at the end of each project, I intend to put money aside for tax etc and also budget to pay myself a monthly wage. DP does not want me to do this, he is pressuring me to spend a good chunk of the money on things we wouldn't be able to afford outright and he wants me to get a part time job too to provide myself with the monthly wage I would like (!).

I think he is being hugely unreasonable, after all he does not share his wages with me (other than in contributing his fair share to monthly bills etc).
AIBU to stand my ground and say no, it's my money?

He must have a canny big personal savings pot with that amount of disposable income every month so time to discuss HIS finances also.

You would think a husband would support his wife during her maternity leave and childcare role not expect her to contribute a bloody percentage to the pot.

He's a tightwad OP

You should obviously not agree to this in a million years and I would actually be questioning the whole relationship if someone was actually pressuring me to do something so manifestly unfair.

Jeez, what an absolute pig.

So while you were looking after the children, and I’m assuming the house, etc, you were still paying in 45% of what he was, despite earning basically a pittance.

Were you given any access to money, while you were handing over your house rental money to the family pot every month?

What happened to the remainder of his wages after he’d put in his £1k?

So he is taking home 3k a month but contributing 1k to bills so getting to keep two thirds of his money every month? I assume you dont have 2k to spend on yourself every month? Where is it going? Why doesnt he want to use this towards a new kitchen?

I think, given you are married, it's ok for him to suggest that you do this. You have listened to his suggestion and decided that you don't want to do this. It's your money, you earned it, so it's ultimately your decision. I would tell him you've decided to stick to your original plan and then end the discussion. Case closed.

So you are working and looking after the dc and he works full time. Seems like the fairest solution would be for you both to have the same disposable income at the end of each month. So in effect, all your combined income (less the amount set aside for your tax/pension) goes into one pot out of which bills and savings are paid. Then you split what's left 50/50.
What has he been doing with his spare money each month if he has only been contributing £12k out if his 50k income? Seems like there would have been enough for a new kitchen if some of that had been saved.
So he's really lovely, except he left you with no/very little disposable income, whilst you did the childcare which enabled him to earn very well so he could spend it on himself? Hmmm doesn't sound very lovely after all,

Perhaps he would be willing to see a financial consultant with you, to help understand it better?
He needs to see you are doing the right thing, and if he wants an updated kitchen, he needs to put his hand in his own pocket too

He's not a lovely man, OP. You'll see this if you find the spine to tell him your financial arrangements in the family aren't fair and they need to be changed.

He’s not “lovely”.

He earns £50K a year.

He contributes £12K a year to general living.

Where’s the rest of it?

You’re married with a child. He’s not being “lovely” at all.

Your entire financial set-up needs overhauling.

But you have joint savings, yes? What are they used for/how much is in there?

I think it's so wrong when everyone goes on about husbands paying for their sah wife's being like the 1950s and then I read about this type of situation on here. Where the man and the woman are so keen to be seen as paying equal, that in the end the woman is the one who ends up being treated unfairly.

This 50/50 way of putting in income especially when on maternity and doing childcare for children, born into what should be a partnership is not fair and is not equal. Yet many women see this type of agreement as somehow superior to being a sahm where you share all the money as you are providing for your family in other ways.

Society has diminished the role to such a degree that so many women such as op as bending over backward to contribute financially whilst doing all the caring and household tasks. Yet your husband is still not viewing you as an equal. So now he has all the cake and gets to eat all your at home contribution too.

This is not equality or freedom for women and is yet another layer pushing down on us.

When you were at home before op, your husband should have been funding you as your job was looking after the home and children especially as his job would not facilitate another way. You are his family.

You need a long conversation with him as he is being very selfish and it is borderline financial abuse.

I really hate these discussions with terms "my money and their money" when relating to a married couple, it then usually progresses to spreadsheets and percentages and inevitably disagreements and/or resentment follows. To me once married it's a family pot, who puts what in it is irrelevant, it's there for the whole family.
Having said all that not everyone is happy with that scenario so do things differently with separate finances and it works for them. If it does then that's great too which seems to be how you have managed so far.
What you have suggested is very reasonable, whilst the income is peaks and troughs you plan to level this out with a regular wage and point out to him your increased earnings will ultimately result in more money to spend down the line once saved. It's inline with how you've managed finances previously.

His suggestion is more akin to a family pot but only on your earnings which is a bit ridiculous. If he wants a family pot then has to be everything in that pot, earnings, savings, investment returns etc.He can't have it both ways.

If you're not happy with the family pot then what you suggest I think is perfectly reasonable. If you are happy to do so suggest the family pot but point out it has to be everything in it rather than cherry picked bits.

Good God woman, please wake up.

He is not a nice man.

He is mean and you can be bloody sure he has a fat account somewhere.

He is absolutely determined to keep you on a tight financial leash.

If I were you I'd have a long hard think and start putting money into an account for yourself.

You are absolutely being financially abused

What a mean controlling man.

How can you possibly think he has anyone's interest except his own here.

There are so many things wrong here. I couldn't live like that. To us any money earned is our money equally! Whether I work or look after the children we both work hard for our family or at a paid job. It doesn't matter. Luckily my dp agrees. We have a joint account. Everything goes in there and is for everyone to use after bills. Any big purchases we talk to each other first but it's never HIS money or MY money. It's always been all ours.

OP where is the at least 15k a year he has to himself

You say he would not be intentionally abusive but he would be stupid not to realise that the amount he has to himself is far more than you and that you are raising his children
Does he do much housework or childcare or does he do a lot of hobbies as well

Yanbu. Don't give in to him and stand your ground.

No. Stick to your plan. Not only is it better for you, it's better tax-wise too.

I have slightly variable income from freelancing. I pay myself a fair wage, and leave the rest in the company - I try to have a 6-12 month salary buffer (plus tax obviously). This means I only ever pay lower rate income tax.

My BIL went a traditional contractors route, and took out a basic salary + variable dividends up to the max he could every month while he was working. The trouble there is that he got used to the spare cash, and really struggled in quiet spots.

HOWEVER my circumstances are different, in that DP earns well, and we're not hurting for money, and we do share everything - it's literally efficient income tax planning in my case. Your situation is more precarious - if you don't have access to his savings, then who knows what money he has squirrelled away whilst he wants you to spend all yours immediately! It leaves you very vulnerable.

Maybe I do need a wake up call

In answer to the question about where his other money goes... he has a few loans/debts that he has been paying off as did I too.
He does pick up extras such as does a bit of extra food shopping, days out etc.

I have suggested in the past that we have one pot, but as we both have hobbies that can be expensive, it has suited us both to have our own accounts/money.

I did give him some money from my last project to pay off credit card etc and I don't think he actually used the money for that.

He was/is very against me being self employed and believes I should go out and get a job so that we have financial security and do my projects on the side. He doesn't seem to understand that I can't do that. For 3 months each project is a full time job as well as running the house, looking after dc etc. I have a few weeks/months break and then start another project. Each project earns circa 12k.

He's a very hands on father and is great with dc, he tries to help around the house but to be honest I prefer to do that myself.

We did have a few problems last year where I found he had been talking to someone telling them I am basically a freeloader and he was my 'meal ticket'. He apologised since and said it wasn't quite how he meant it.
I'm being a mug aren't I?

Crikey OP - he has debts which you help him pay off? This all sounds a bit dodgy to me. Is he a gambler? I think you need some proper financial advice as a couple as this all sounds pretty f*cked up.

Mug is a bit hard on yourself. You love him and wanted to believe the best of him.

But no, it's not good. It's really not. I'm sorry.

This is about control. He doesn’t want you having any money of your own

I do think it comes down to this. And it's not accidental. He thinks you are beneath him.

There's an upsetting level of disrespect on show from him that you seem to have normalised.

Hang on. Your combined income is 57k. Your bills are 17,500 a year. So that’s 30%. So you should be paying 30% or your 7,000. That’s £175 a month, not £450.

Or a fairer way would be to combine the income, take out the bills, and split the rest equally between your account and his.

How much would he be able to earn if you weren’t doing the childcare and household management for him? Perhaps he’d prefer to pay you the going rate?

I think you need to suggest that he gives up work to look after the kids while you get your career on track, and also that he needs to find some part time work that fits around the kids so he can pay £450 a month on the bills.

meal ticket ? Bloody hell. Work out what it would cost him to employ someone to do everything you do (nanny, housekeeper, cook, night nanny, travel agent, accountant, the works) and insist he pays you that, into your account.

Your update is awful OP.

He’s sounds like a right bastard. Again, where does his money go? I hate to say it but sounds like a gambler.

The freeloading comment was absolutely disgusting. I’d be looking at how to leave. He has zero respect for you from what you’ve written here.

It's the same story over and over. The worst part is that the women in these relationship don't seem to realise what is being done to them.

He did mean it OP. It is what he thinks. That's why he wants you to hand over all the money you make. He thinks he's entitled to it.

There men never ever consider that you allow them to work because you provide the childcare. Not to sound too horrible, but If you died tomorrow, he'd have to reconsider his job because he can't have that job and look after the kids and house alone. He needs you. In exchange for all you do, he earns more and can therefore contribute a higher percentage to bills. But he doesn't see or recognise your contribution. He only recognises the monetary contributions and considers himself the only earner and you a freeloader. Men like that done change so prepare yourself to have the same battle week in week out.

In this position I would totally spend the lump sum on a kitchen or similar but that's only because my dh would give me his last penny and not expect a thing in return.

I've been a sahm and dh earned the money which was my money too he never questioned what it was spent on and never made me feel like I was taking him for a ride.

Now I work (have done for a long time) that money just gets used for all household and dc and whatever is left we spend and save as necessary.

Don't get me wrong he has many faults but not financially thank god. That's why I'd have no hesitation in spending a lump sum.