DP wants to share my wages

[wanderluster]

I am self employed and my work involves me working from home. This does somewhat take over the home for a few months at a time as I complete each project. DP does help out now and again with a few little bits but it is not his line of work and he has his own full time job with very healthy wage.

My issue is that as I'm self employed and get paid a substantial figure in a lump sum at the end of each project, I intend to put money aside for tax etc and also budget to pay myself a monthly wage. DP does not want me to do this, he is pressuring me to spend a good chunk of the money on things we wouldn't be able to afford outright and he wants me to get a part time job too to provide myself with the monthly wage I would like (!).

I think he is being hugely unreasonable, after all he does not share his wages with me (other than in contributing his fair share to monthly bills etc).
AIBU to stand my ground and say no, it's my money?

NFW! You save up for things like everyone else. Make sure you are paying into your pension adequately, too. He wants you to do even more work so he can splurge. NOPE!

He's making it significantly more okay for himself than for you.

Don't do it.

I think it just semantics about who pay what share when. Does it really matter if you pay your share monthly or with each lump sum?
If monthly income enough to run house, then what wrong with using lump sums for joint projects?

Good point another pp says about a pension - have you got one?

It's tax efficient to pay yourself a small wage from the business.

Your update makes a difference.

If he has been paying the lion's share of the outgoings over the years, he sees money brought into the house as shared money.

Now that you are earning again, he wants you both to agree on how it is spent. He sees the money you earn as disposable income for big stuff, you want to keep it for (extra) monthly expenses.

Is that right or have I missed the point? Sorry if I have!

As long as you keep money aside to pay your income tax, VAT, whatever associated with your self employment, I don't see why not.

You are married, and he is bringing in a decent wage too, so whats the problem?

How are you structuring these payments? The cost to you of paying yourself a wage over taking dividends may be considerable. Whether you take all of your earnings up front and spend them. Or take them slowly and save them and then spend them doesn’t really make much of a difference. I must admit that I don’t see any sense in doing the latter. However, as this is you first year you might want to consider taking the lump sum for tax purposes. Asides from that though I can’t see any compelling reason to arrange your affairs one way or another.

He basically wants access to a chunk of money to sort out stuff he doesn’t want to save for. Is that correct?

Why is he DP if you’re married? I think that’s affected a lot of people’s answer.

You're married! Surely the money is as much your husband's as yours.

I'm self employed though my payments trickle in steadily all month. In the early days of my business when we lived on DH's wages and mine were a refreshing top up, I found he was viewing the money as frivolous money to be spent on treats. Luckily I wasn't hitting the tax threshold at that stage but it became really important to pay myself a regular small wage and pug away for tax every month. My takings are definitely not my earnings either. I think that can be hard to grasp for some people

What a CF!!! and when exactly does he want you to do this extra part time to pay yourself a second time!?

Wait, you are paying half the bills even though you have taken a career hit to take care of your shared children?

Sorry I get a bit muddled with what the letters etc stand for on here!

It makes a difference to me because I have contributed a share of my wages while on a career break that has left me with very little to spend on myself.

We have never had 'one pot' where we share money, I've been without a worry free income for years, he made it impossible for me to continue with my career when we had dc due to the nature of his job.
I have never shared his wages in terms of anything for myself, he wants to take away my chance to earn a good wage by spending it all on a new kitchen. He does not want to spend any of his money on this new kitchen.
I don't want a new bloody kitchen.

He earns 7 x what I have been earning on my career break. I currently pay 30 % of the bills plus all of my own. I've been ok with this, but I want to earn more now so that we can live more comfortably.

YANBU

Boggles, she can only take dividends if she has set up a limited company - she doesn’t say that she has done this, just that she’s self employed.

OP, it’s definitely worth ring fencing some of your profit from self employment in order to pay your tax. Bear in mind that after you submit your first tax return for self employment, if it’s your main source of income and you owe more than £1,000 in tax you’ll have to start paying payments on account, where you have to pay earlier than you might expect. So for the 20/21 tax year you’d have to pay 50% of your estimated bill on 31 Jan 2021 and 50% on 31 July 2021, with a balancing payment or a repayment on 31 Jan 2022 (depending on the figures in your tax return).

It doesn't seem like he's taken into account the fact that you took a career break to raise the DC.

By doing that, you're saving the family the cost of childcare.

Personally I would do the projects alone, without his assistance, so he doesn't get too involved in your work.

Ask him to explain why he thinks this is fair.

Currently:
He has a job. He contributes to the bills. The rest is his.

You have a job. You contribute to the bills. The rest is yours.

But he wants it to change to:
He has a job. He contributes to the bills. The rest is his.

You have a job. You hand it all over to the "family".
You have none for yourself unless you take a second job and somehow fund childcare, continue your current job and have time off to rest.

Lay it out clearly like that and ask him if that is really what he is suggesting.

Don't forget to pay onto a pension as well.
I have income protection insurance - cheaply through a mutual company. Soon eats away at those big lump.sums

I really can't imagine being married and having this situation with finances with my husband. You're married, with children, this all sounds like flatmates trying to work out who buys the toilet roll.

wow, from your last update he is incredibly selfish and totally out of order.
You've continued to pay a descent proportion to bills while on a career break/looking after dc/supporting his career.
Dont give in, why the hell should you single handedly pay for a new kitchen you dont want while he keeps his huge wage to himself?

This is so awful I don't even know where to start.

Look after your own money, OP. I would suggest that you ensure you have money for a tax bill, money for a pension and money for a rainy day tucked away before even considering putting money into buying ‘big things’ for the house.