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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP wants to share my wages

131 replies

wanderluster · 25/08/2019 20:58

I am self employed and my work involves me working from home. This does somewhat take over the home for a few months at a time as I complete each project. DP does help out now and again with a few little bits but it is not his line of work and he has his own full time job with very healthy wage.

My issue is that as I'm self employed and get paid a substantial figure in a lump sum at the end of each project, I intend to put money aside for tax etc and also budget to pay myself a monthly wage. DP does not want me to do this, he is pressuring me to spend a good chunk of the money on things we wouldn't be able to afford outright and he wants me to get a part time job too to provide myself with the monthly wage I would like (!).

I think he is being hugely unreasonable, after all he does not share his wages with me (other than in contributing his fair share to monthly bills etc).
AIBU to stand my ground and say no, it's my money?

OP posts:
timshelthechoice · 26/08/2019 16:19

His wife and mother of his children, who does most of the housework and childcare and yet he considers you a 'freeloader' and himself, the Big I Am, as the meal ticket. What a twat. He has FA respect for you and what you do. It's all about £ to him. I'd be looking to leave.

Lulualla · 26/08/2019 16:49

@UndomesticHousewife

But this husband has about £2000 unaccounted for. If he wants a new kitchen, why doesn't he suggest they have a soearte account to save up for it and she can put on some money from her lump sum and he can match that amount from his larger wage.
This is her income. She needs to spread it out to give herself a consistent income every month, pay her share of the bills and actually have fun money of her own. Because he certainly isn't sharing his extra money with her.

Tooner · 26/08/2019 16:55

Hang on......you gave him a lump sum to pay off his credit card card but don't think he did. And you just let this go?

He is absolutely taking the piss out of you and very likely has some sort of habit.

Please have a good think about how he is treating you. He is not a nice man.

Quartz2208 · 26/08/2019 17:08

So he tries (presumably deliberately badly) to do stuff around the house and you take on the house admin.

He borrowed money for a credit card but didnt use it - what does he use his money for!

Lowlandlucky · 26/08/2019 17:11

Is he going to get a second too ? There is a good Scottish way of telling him no jut say "get yersel awa tae fuck

BlueJava · 26/08/2019 17:21

YANBU. He seems to have conned you into thinking this is normal because your work "impacts him" somehow. I assume you mean it takes over the space for a bit perhaps e.g if someone re-upholstered sofas they would get paid in one go and everyone would need to step around the project for a bit. Please don't be fooled by this as I think it's irrelevant.

Although I work full time I recently did a side project of sorts - my parents gave me a load of stuff to sell they wanted to get rid of. Think old things that have value as retro. My DP helped move the boxes, there was lots of clutter whilst I got it done (scales, boxes, packaging, me taking pics etc.) He said nothing but helped where he could, he hasn't even asked what I did with the momey! (I saved everything towards my 2 DS uni fees).

INeedAFlerken · 26/08/2019 17:39

We did have a few problems last year where I found he had been talking to someone telling them I am basically a freeloader and he was my 'meal ticket'. He apologised since and said it wasn't quite how he meant it.

Holy crap. He did too mean it. Exactly that. And you bought his arse-covering 'apology'.

Chitarra · 26/08/2019 17:51

He seems very aware of the fact that your work impacts him a little. But how about the MASSIVE way in which his job has impacted you, namely that his unavailability makes you unable to take on a well paid job and look after the DC. Does he really, genuinely not realise this?

ElizaDee · 26/08/2019 17:51

If he earns 50k, 7x what you do, and has 2k pm spare, why did you give him money to pay his credit card?

And then he didn't even pay it off Confused

butteryellow · 26/08/2019 18:02

I have dated mean men (briefly) - but normally you'd see the meanness in other ways - like I had one guy who earned the same as me, but he was very 'careful' with his money - ie. I could bring nice wine to his, or cook expensive dinners with no contribution from him, but if we got takeaway from the supermarket I was expected to transfer my 7.23 share while it was in the microwave! I prefer people who are a bit better at reciprocity (eg. DP and I just every othered paying for dates/drinks/whatever before we got together)

BUT you'd have mentioned that OP, you'd have tales of his penny pinching. That's what's worrying. How is he earning all this money, but needed you to pay off the credit card? Either he's squirrelling it away, and using you to top him up, or he's spending it all somewhere - gambling would be a major suspicion, but surely he'd win at some point and you'd see the good mood?

SarfE4sticated · 26/08/2019 18:02

What is his hobby op? Money burning?

Sorry, but you can see how it all looks. Would you want either of your children to be treated like this by their partner?
Is the house in your joint names? Can you get an Experian report and see what’s going on? We all smell a rat.

Carthage · 26/08/2019 18:10

How much debt did he have fgs? £24k would have been paid off in just one year, and that's without the additional amount you gave him to pay off his credit card.

He's either squirrelling all the money into his savings, or he's got some kind of habit OP. Either way the situation for you is untenable.

EileenAlanna · 26/08/2019 18:11

My only quibble with your plans for your money is instead of paying some into a joint savings account, open your own sole account for this. Otherwise, you're a grown woman making her own grown-up financial decisions & making a brilliant job of it.

Original poster
wanderluster · 26/08/2019 18:33

He does have other expenditure such as commuting etc. I don't think he has any habits, I just think he is poor with money management.
I'm going to talk to him and stand my ground.

OP posts:
CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 26/08/2019 18:41

My husband's job takes over the house from time to time, with lumps of wood being prepped to make furniture, including staining them with products that stink. I earn 5 times what he does on average. We have 2 kids. So, not dissimilar to you.

That's where it stops though. All money into the joint account, then we each have the same amount of money to do with what we will once bills are paid. We are a team, we both bring stuff to the relationship, and the amount we earn is frankly irrelevant. That's how it should be, imho. If your dh can't understand this then in your position I'd leave.

C0untDucku1a · 26/08/2019 18:43

How can he be a good hands on father if he made it impossible for you to work by taking on no childcare responsibility?

Wonkybanana · 26/08/2019 18:43

So he wants to blow your lump sum on things for the house, then you'll be back to paying almost all your income from the rental as your share of the bills with nothing left over for yourself, while he swans around with all his spare cash to spend on himself.
Nope.
These are your earnings, just because they don't come in a pay packet from someone else. He can go whistle.

Therealjudgejudy · 26/08/2019 18:50

Wow...i would be reconsidering this whole relationship. This man does not respect you. Respect yourself and dont put up with this abuse.

TheABC · 26/08/2019 18:53

You have a massive DH problem.

If he considers you a freeloader, he does not value your caring for the DCs, your share of the household chores (I bet it's more than 50%) or your direct financial earnings. You really need to address this. Spreadsheet, cost of childcare, cost of housekeeping...the lot. Then ask him, if it's family money, where exactly is the rest of his salary going. Be brutal - get out the bank statements, go over the investments. .. absolutely everything. You should be doing this once a year or more anyway to stay on top of savings and investment.

Next, look at your business. As you have said, cashflow is not income. You need to deduct expenses, taxes, pension contributions and corporate profit that can be reinvested into the business or set aside for emergencies. After that, you have your income and yes, it should be on an equalized, per-month basis, if that's possible.

Purpleartichoke · 26/08/2019 19:36

You say he wants you to get a more stable job. Does that mean a regular full-time day job?

I can see preferring a partner to have a predictable income.

So he would help in the search for child care and then you would share responsibilities for doctor’s appointments, sick days, and school holidays? Where he would take on a larger share of planning and attending birthday parties, children’s wardrobe, and the like?

Or does he expect your career to take a back seat to his, but still expects you to miracle money from somewhere?

billy1966 · 26/08/2019 20:56

Calling the mother of your children who does as much as you do a "freeloader".

Christ I've heard it all.

There would be NO going back from that for me.

OP, yes he absolutely has you taken for the biggest fool.

He is some ugly character.

petyeti · 26/08/2019 22:11

We did have a few problems last year where I found he had been talking to someone telling them I am basically a freeloader and he was my 'meal ticket'.

Op he is disgusting. There is nothing nice about this man.

And he IS financially abusing you. You should have equal access to money.

EileenAlanna · 27/08/2019 01:31

Reading some of your updates he's starting to sound like someone who absolutely hates the idea of his wife being a successful business woman. His ego needs you to be a mousy little woman in a nondescript part time job using him as a "meal ticket".
Keep all your finances separate from his. Your business is like another one of your babies - protect it like you would them.

ReanimatedSGB · 27/08/2019 02:41

He's a 'lovely' man while you're dependent on him or in awe of him. Less 'lovely' when you realise that you're a human being, too, and not his pet or his servant. Has your business recently started to make a bit of money, ie got to the point where he can't kid himself it's 'wifey's little hobby' any more? The fact that he thinks you should go and get a job and put your business earnings into, basically, his pocket makes it clear that he is financially abusive not nice, not a caring partner, not considering 'the family' but simply asserting himself as your owner.

SavingSpaces2019 · 27/08/2019 14:24

We did have a few problems last year where I found he had been talking to someone telling them I am basically a freeloader and he was my 'meal ticket'. He apologised since and said it wasn't quite how he meant it. I'm being a mug aren't I?
Unfortunately - yes.

Do you have access to these joint savings- or is the account in his name only?
I would start putting 'leftover' money into your own named savings account....cos it sounds like your gonna need that security later down the line.

He's never been on board with sharing finances but IS happy with you being an UNPAID cook, cleaner and childminder for HIS benefit.
He can only 'keep you in line' if you don't have any financial independence to afford the luxury of choice.

He's manipulating you to remain dependent on him - by handing over your earnings to him....or selling you the illusion that you can just go out and get a job (which he will refuse to facilitate if it impacts his job)

He's also choosing to badnmouth you to others- so no matter what you ARE doing (behind closed doors) or TRY to do (get a job), you can't win either way.
Nobody else is seeing this side of him or experiencing the obstruction you face....other's view/opinion of you is being controlled according to his narrative.
Abusive men do that. They set up the whole scene, assign roles to each player and direct the drama.

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