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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just refuse the wedding invitation

1000 replies

jessicawessica · 20/04/2019 22:04

Nephew getting married in august. Been planning this massively expensive do for 2 years and he and fiancee talk about it a lot....dress code, venue, meal, etc.
Went to visit my mum today and my younger DB was also there. My mum gave us both out invitations as DN had dropped them off there.
We all opened them to find that me and DB were not invited to the ceremony and meal, just to the evening do.
I was fuming. My DD has been so looking forward to going to her first wedding ceremony so will be gutted when I tell her, especially as she adores DN s little girl.
My DB and I both said we won't be going at all now, especially as they've included a gift list in the invite and they all look bloody expensive.
I could understand it it was a small intimate do but it's for 150 people. And it's not as though DN has a large family....just his dad who will be 1 of the 10 Groomsmen, his brother, his mum and his gran (my mum).
AIBU to not go?

OP posts:
Original poster
jessicawessica · 20/04/2019 22:43

Another thing that pisses me off is both DN and his fiancee know that I actually changed my family holiday dates as they clashed with the wedding....and they never said a word!

OP posts:
englishdictionary · 20/04/2019 22:44

Decline if you can't or don't want to go. Don't decline because you are pissed off at being invited. That's just fucking weird.

How will your mum be on her own if 150 people are going to be there, surely they can't all be the brides family?

Nearlythere1 · 20/04/2019 22:46

Sounds like the bride's doing, especially since your nephew dropped the invites to your mum and scurried off. Sounds like he didnt want to face you!

englishdictionary · 20/04/2019 22:46

Another thing that pisses me off is both DN and his fiancee know that I actually changed my family holiday dates as they clashed with the wedding....and they never said a word!

Why should they? They have invited you. So you would need to be available anyway.

Leeds2 · 20/04/2019 22:46

I find this really odd, especially given that you are a small family, and that you see them every week.
Are the bride-to-be's uncles and aunts invited?
I would decline, send a card but no gift.

Original poster
jessicawessica · 20/04/2019 22:46

Bride has a large family....mum, stepdad, his DCs, Dad, stepmum, her DCs, etc. And DN has lots of friends.

OP posts:
losingfaith · 20/04/2019 22:47

On the one hand they're. It unreasonable as can invite whomever they want. However...on the other hand it is pretty rude especially as you sound quite close knit, and even then at my wedding I invited aunts, partners and adult kids / partners and their kids desire despising them all (big back story and were NC with that toxic lot now) out of duty to my parent despite only having a small wedding. In your circumstances I'd be inclined to politely decline.

pinkpushchairs · 20/04/2019 22:47

I find it odd and rude, I'd be pissed off too OP.

losingfaith · 20/04/2019 22:48

*on the one hand they're not unreasonable

sue51 · 20/04/2019 22:48

Your last post changes my initial thoughts. They let you change holidays knowing you were an evening guest, that's incredibly rude and thoughtless of them. Don't go and tell them why.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 20/04/2019 22:49

I would decline too but I very much see evening only invites as a way to boost the gift tally. Not good enough to see the actual wedding but they stilll want a gift in my eyes.

I'd find it very rude to be sent a gift list for the party bit.

jpclarke · 20/04/2019 22:49

I think you have every right to refuse, I would try to keep your mum out of it as it could end up affecting her relationship with your brother. They sound like a real pleasant couple!!

AvengersAssemble · 20/04/2019 22:49

Oh your so entitled Hmm

It not your wedding, they can invite who they want.

Wannabeyorkshirelass · 20/04/2019 22:50

This is why I hate people grading their friends and family into 'tiers' of importance at weddings. In your shoes I'd be hurt and not go.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 20/04/2019 22:50

If you decline all hell will break loose and you'll appear the unreasonable ones. Not saying you are but that will become the narrative.

What you do OP, is accept graciously, and at the next Sunday gathering talk to your cousin and say you're hurt and disappointed. Be prepared to listen.

YABU to harp on about your DDs disappointment btw.

Abouttoblow · 20/04/2019 22:51

I wouldn't go. Wouldn't even consider it. They can do what they like and invite who they want but knowing his grandmother will be there without her other children is just shit.

Original poster
jessicawessica · 20/04/2019 22:53

I changed the holiday dates to make sure we came back the day before the wedding instead of coming back on the actual day.If i'd known we were only going to the evening do I wouldn't have lopped a day off our holiday.

OP posts:
StoneofDestiny · 20/04/2019 22:54

OP - decline.
If they ask, tell them why.
Tell them you thought you were very close family, and not just peripheral 'extras' that attend evening do's. Tell them you are shocked and disappointed but wish them well and hope they have a nice wedding.

SmellsLikeAdultSpirit · 20/04/2019 22:55

AvengersAssemble
You're
It you are going to be an ass at least spell correctly

Fiveredbricks · 20/04/2019 22:55

Decline OP. He's being a cheeky fucker and he probably knows it. His fiancee is one too.

Cornishqween · 20/04/2019 22:56

I'm in this boat too sort of... Except its dB wedding, and I've just found out that only my mum, Dad, husband, our dcs and myself are going from our side of the family.
There are 100 odd people going to the day wedding and of that my family makes up 6 Confused also have a very strong hunch that dsil (to be) is having her nephews as paige boys but my 2 dcs are not actually allowed to be in the ceremony as they don't want kids there. They are apparently going to be in a side room with a childminder and the other kids (who aren't related) . This is not happening at all, I'll not be leaving them anywhere, if they aren't welcome ill be taking them home.

Totally your nephews choice who he invites to which part but equally your choice to decline, and decline I would. I wouldn't blame your dm for declining the invite either! Not sure how you would word it though without it causing drama.

StoneofDestiny · 20/04/2019 22:56

The nerve to send a wedding gift list with evening only invites. Wow.

TildaTurnip · 20/04/2019 22:57

I’d go if local (is it local? Sorry if I’ve missed that) and take a card and small gift. I’d mention to your brother about your mum worrying though.

caughtinanet · 20/04/2019 22:59

Is it too late to add the day back onto your holiday?

If you're going to feel resentful during the evening do there's no point in going so enjoy your holiday instead

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 20/04/2019 23:00

Incredibly rude! What goes through peoples minds?!?

Go to your mums as usual tomorrow, no reason to change your plans because of this

And when the subject comes up simply explain that as immediate close family you are hurt not to be invited and won't be attending the evening do

On the plus side - money saved re outfits, drinks, hotel etc...take DD for a photo shoot session or out for the day or something maybe?

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