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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just refuse the wedding invitation

1000 replies

jessicawessica · 20/04/2019 22:04

Nephew getting married in august. Been planning this massively expensive do for 2 years and he and fiancee talk about it a lot....dress code, venue, meal, etc.
Went to visit my mum today and my younger DB was also there. My mum gave us both out invitations as DN had dropped them off there.
We all opened them to find that me and DB were not invited to the ceremony and meal, just to the evening do.
I was fuming. My DD has been so looking forward to going to her first wedding ceremony so will be gutted when I tell her, especially as she adores DN s little girl.
My DB and I both said we won't be going at all now, especially as they've included a gift list in the invite and they all look bloody expensive.
I could understand it it was a small intimate do but it's for 150 people. And it's not as though DN has a large family....just his dad who will be 1 of the 10 Groomsmen, his brother, his mum and his gran (my mum).
AIBU to not go?

OP posts:
NaturatintGoldenChestnut · 20/04/2019 23:01

FGS, decline! This tradition of two-tiered wedding lists are ridiculous. And no, don't hand over a wodge of cash or expensive present out of guilt. There's no need to 'word' the decline, just send the card back or just say, 'Sorry, we won't be able to make it'.

Don't enable this type of shit.

jasmine1971 · 20/04/2019 23:01

The irony of making typos when correcting someone else's grammar ...

OP - decline. I'd be majorly offended in your position.

Xiaoxiong · 20/04/2019 23:01

I hate the whole concept of evening only guests. Awkward for everyone, a clear A list/B list thing. The only time I can see it might make sense is if you live in a small village or neighbourhood where you know everyone. But certainly not for family.

PianoTuner567 · 20/04/2019 23:02

If he has 10 groomsman, then he must be a sociable chap with a wide network of friends. You obviously didn’t quite make the cut.

Are you close with him? You see him every Sunday but do you communicate outside of that?

I guess he just doesn’t see the relationship on the same terms you do. Just smile and go, don’t make it into a rift.

kateandme · 20/04/2019 23:04

i have a feeling it will be vented here but you still go to ur mums tomorrow and pretend its all ok.and then go to eve part.
when really it IS UNREASONABLE and you shouldnt go and should tell them why.because from your posts its really not on.

Original poster
jessicawessica · 20/04/2019 23:04

Is it local?
Well this is another issue.
Neither my DB1 or mum have a car.
I assume as a Groomsman DB will go in a wedding car?
The plan was for me to drive mum there (as we assumed she would go with me and DCs).
Not sure what;s going to happen now.

OP posts:
TriciaH87 · 20/04/2019 23:05

Decline with a note implying you understand spaces must be limited as close family are being only invited to the reception so you feel they might like the space for a friend. Point out your dc would need a wedding worthy outfit just for a couple hours use as you would need to get her home so for the limited time of say 7pm evening guests arriving until about 9.30 when you would be looking at taking her home it's not worth going. Your brother and nephew can make what they like of it. I understand why your angry as we had a family wedding where the nephews of the groom were not invited due to not having kids except their own yet the bride friends children were invited not only in the evening but all day too.

TatianaLarina · 20/04/2019 23:05

Of course it’s their wedding. But they’ve been going on about this wedding regularly to family for a couple of years. It’s astonishing not to invite them in the circumstances.

So - absolutely don’t go.

TatianaLarina · 20/04/2019 23:07

I hate the whole concept of evening only guests.

Me too. I find it so rude and would never do that to guests.

HomeMadeMadness · 20/04/2019 23:08

I actually don't mind the two tier invitations but it should just be for local people e.g. a group of work colleagues, or (not close) friends from a hobby who wouldn't necessarily expect an invite but might like to all come to a boozy evening do. You don't send these kind of invites to family you see every week and have discussed the wedding with and you definitely don't include a gift list. Height of rudeness!

LotsToThinkOf · 20/04/2019 23:09

YANBU, I’d decline under these circumstances. If DB wants to know why I’d tell him, DN has snubbed you and you feel like he’s been obliged to invite you rather than actually wanting you to be there. Including a gift list was the icing on the cake, how insulting.

InceyWinceyette · 20/04/2019 23:09

Speak to your DB1.

Check that you haven’t accidentally been given the wrong version of the invite.

Disappearedtothe80s · 20/04/2019 23:10

This is absolutely rank. And it is not fair on your mum either.

Even I was invited to my niece's and nephew's weddings and I have only seen them a handful of times over the years (although my DCs weren't but that's fine).

Shock at 10 Groomsmen

InceyWinceyette · 20/04/2019 23:12

Say to your DB (calmly, politely) that you and Db2 were surprised to see that aunts and uncles are not invited to the whole thing. And that you yourself are sad not to see your nephew married, and you are surprised to get an evening j cuts because they knew you changed your hol.

Original poster
jessicawessica · 20/04/2019 23:12

Obviously not a mistake with the invites as mum was the only one to get a menu with her invitation, so pretty clear.

OP posts:
SeaWitchly · 20/04/2019 23:13

I think this is awful and your DN and fiancee are very rude.
Personally, I would decline the invitation as I would be too pissed off to turn up at a later time than all those other important and valued guests and for what... a glass of wine, possibly some buffet food and a cheesy disco Hmm

FWIW I have been invited to the evening do of a wedding before but the two times I didn't mind I was a peripheral friend to the happy couple and just enjoyed being included... the one time I really did mind was when I was a closer friend of the bride [or so I thought] and arrived at the evening do to discover that she had invited other friends in our joint social circle to both the ceremony and meal that she had considered more important to her than I was. That felt quite shit actually.

In your circumstances OP you are close family who spends time regularly with the happy couple and I would also feel pretty offended and upset in your situation.

NaturatintGoldenChestnut · 20/04/2019 23:14

There is simply no need for long explanations or justifications. Decline. If asked why, 'It's not practical for us for just an evening invitation so we will be unable to attend'. A card with £20. Job done. Or tell them you've extended your holiday.

Spoddy · 20/04/2019 23:15

Grow up and go. I’ll never understand this assumption that people have a ‘right’ to an invitation to weddings

FFS..... Really?

IHateUncleJamie · 20/04/2019 23:16

Incredibly rude. Dd was bridesmaid for our niece and we’re all even invited to my cousin’s wedding. Evening invitations are usually for colleagues and acquaintances; not aunts and uncles especially when you see each other so often.

I would politely ask if there has been a mistake and if not, decline. And don’t send a gift, either.

Nonnymum · 20/04/2019 23:18

I would decline. I think it is very uncaring of your nephew not to think about who will keep his Grandmother company during the day. it sounds like a formal wedding, If she doesn't know anyone there where will they seat her for the meal? I'm not surprised she is upset.

Mummymummums · 20/04/2019 23:18

I'd decline. If there's 100 people going, you and DB have not been invited to make way for their 95+ closest friends Winkand presumably a much higher portion of bride's family.
I agree with you OP - sounds like you're all close and see a lot of each other so this just seems rude.
Of course they can invite as they see fit. And you can decline as you see fit.

Ruru8thestars · 20/04/2019 23:18

I would definitely raise it with your brother

JessieMcJessie · 20/04/2019 23:19

So you’ve had to listen to him and his fiancée drone on about this wedding every Sunday for a year and they have prioritised about 90 other people ahead of you. What a pair of charmers. I am normally in the “their wedding their choice” category but this is shockingly rude. I would not throw toys out of pram by refusing the invitation just yet, but I would be asking them outright why you have not made the cut.
And ten “Groomsmen” all in white- somebody has been watching too much shite American TV. Next they’ll be telling you that you HAVE to attend the evening so because they need you to make up the numbers for some God-awful “surprise” choreographed dance.

Accountant222 · 20/04/2019 23:20

I refuse all wedding invitations these days, they've gotten like Hollywood productions.

Bookworm4 · 20/04/2019 23:21

100 guests to the ceremony but he doesn't invite close family? They are being very rude, don't go and tell him why. Obviously friends mean more to him.

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