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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just refuse the wedding invitation

1000 replies

jessicawessica · 20/04/2019 22:04

Nephew getting married in august. Been planning this massively expensive do for 2 years and he and fiancee talk about it a lot....dress code, venue, meal, etc.
Went to visit my mum today and my younger DB was also there. My mum gave us both out invitations as DN had dropped them off there.
We all opened them to find that me and DB were not invited to the ceremony and meal, just to the evening do.
I was fuming. My DD has been so looking forward to going to her first wedding ceremony so will be gutted when I tell her, especially as she adores DN s little girl.
My DB and I both said we won't be going at all now, especially as they've included a gift list in the invite and they all look bloody expensive.
I could understand it it was a small intimate do but it's for 150 people. And it's not as though DN has a large family....just his dad who will be 1 of the 10 Groomsmen, his brother, his mum and his gran (my mum).
AIBU to not go?

OP posts:
EL8888 · 21/04/2019 00:03

@JessieMcJessie but even if l did, then there are no guarantees l would invite them. It would depend on what my husband to be and l wanted to do. If l wasn’t planning to invite them then to be fair l wouldn’t bang on about it front of them all the time. I do have some tact. They have been invited but don’t like the type of invite they have got

NaturatintGoldenChestnut · 21/04/2019 00:05

I'd still go to the family afternoon get togethers, though.

NaturatintGoldenChestnut · 21/04/2019 00:06

In that case, then, yeah, just make some excuse and don't go to the get together. Tell them you're not feeling well or something.

Oohgossip · 21/04/2019 00:07

Oh i’d have to say something, that’s terrible

LagunaBubbles · 21/04/2019 00:07

Grow up and go. I’ll never understand this assumption that people have a ‘right’ to an invitation to weddings

Where did OP say she had a "right" to go? Nowhere. I will never understand people who don't read threads properly. Of course its rude.

laurG · 21/04/2019 00:13

Sorry but you needy find out some facts before do anything. It may be that only direct family are invited to the ceremony. That’s a perfectly reasonable way to shortlist who goes to what bit. Not going at all without talking it over is really petty. You will cause lots of trouble and make things awkward for everyone. Suck it up. This day isn’t about you. Plus you are still a guest so why wouldn’t you get a wedding list? There’s no need to get them anything but if you do you can get them something they want.

Original poster
jessicawessica · 21/04/2019 00:15

But when you say "direct members of the family" what does that mean exactly?

OP posts:
Mammyloveswine · 21/04/2019 00:18

Id speak to your brother first and ask what's going on. It is rude to just invite you to the night do when they've been talking about the wedding and you're close.

We had no children but nieces and nephews (we made this clear very early on).. my husband's uncle was annoyed as his young cousin wasn't invited but we had to draw the line somewhere. They then made a point of leaving after the meal and free drinks 🤣 never spoilt my day!

I also don't believe weddings are for kids and shall be leaving mine with their grandparents next year despite them being invited. The brides and groom have all been chuffed with this. But that's my decision and i think it's lovely they were invited.

ineedaholidaynow · 21/04/2019 00:19

Direct members would mean parents and siblings to the bride and groom, and possibly grandparents but not aunts/uncles or cousins to me. And obviously any children of the bride and groom, but again not necessarily nephews and nieces.

Nanny0gg · 21/04/2019 00:23

Am I right - one of your brothers is one of the groomsmen and is DN's father, yes?

And yet, you and your other brother, (who count as close family in my book) are only invited to the evening?

You see them every week and have been fully apprised of all the wedding details, to the extent that they let you change your holiday so that you would be available?

And there are 150 guests, the bride has a big family and lots of friends, but there's no room for you?

I do not understand how people think this is ok. It's not. It's rude and hurtful and makes people question their family relationships.

JessieMcJessie · 21/04/2019 00:23

OP says 100 people invited to the ceremony ineedaholidaynow! Hard to see how your aunt, Uncle and cousins would rank below 50 in a list of direct family...

Lizzie48 · 21/04/2019 00:23

Grow up and go. I’ll never understand this assumption that people have a ‘right’ to an invitation to weddings

No one has suggested anything of the sort. But this has been handled very badly. I feel sorry for the OP’s mum, who is dreading being on her own for the full day.

This hasn’t been properly thought through.

FrancisCrawford · 21/04/2019 00:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsFrankCastle · 21/04/2019 00:28

That is bad form I would decline too

Lyricallie · 21/04/2019 00:30

That's crazy. My fiance and I are currently hashing out our guest list and aunties and uncles are invited as standard, cousins we never see not so much. However you guys see each other literally every week. Crazy.

I'm also another one who's cool with evening invites and now that I'm trying to fit in all the people I want to see/obligated to invite I totally get it.

Lalliella · 21/04/2019 00:30

OP I hope when you tick the regrettably not coming box you cross out the word “regrettably”. They’ve treated you appallingly. Please don’t avoid DN though, it will give them the moral high ground. Carry on seeing them and behave as normal, but if they ask you why you’re not coming tell them truthfully. 😂 to 10 groomsmen in white! I hope they’re on MN as that is pretty outing.

Bookworm4 · 21/04/2019 00:33

@laurG
Direct family? Surely having 100 guests at your ceremony covers that 🙄 Obviously they'd rather show off their ridiculous wedding to their friends.

Original poster
jessicawessica · 21/04/2019 00:37

I don't think i can use the "no babysitter" excuse. My DCs are old enough now for DS1 to be left in charge, and DN knows this.
Think I'll just say I'm worn out from the holiday, or staying in to wash my hair.

OP posts:
MitziTheTabbyIsMyOverlord · 21/04/2019 00:39

I don't mean to be anti-female, but I can't help but wonder if the fiancee is prioritising her family over her HTB's.

The fact that you see them weekly but they made a point of not giving you your invitations face-to-face suggests some embarrassment on their part. It's really mean not to have invited you, and the present list as well just seems like an extra kick in the teeth.

I can see why you're not going tomorrow, but I think things are going to be quite awkward for a while now. How horrible.

BlackCatSleeping · 21/04/2019 00:42

That’s very disappointing for all of you. I wonder if he will change his mind.

Aridane · 21/04/2019 00:42

I would send a with regret card and enclose the gift list they sent you

No - really don’t be so immature, petty and rude

lborgia · 21/04/2019 00:45

Only 2 pages in, but they’ve had months to manage your expectations..every f’ing Sunday they could’ve been waffling on about a small intimate gathering blah blah, no children, blah blah blah, but given that you’ve listened to them bore for Britain about it every week, the LEAST you deserve is a full invite. If anyone is entitled it’s them, not the OP.

This is how family fractures happen.

Aridane · 21/04/2019 00:48

The awful Cfers

Lol - they’ve hardly fenced off part of OP’s garden!!

elfies · 21/04/2019 00:52

Please don't avoid the family get together at your mums , that would hurt her feelings too

Apricot80s · 21/04/2019 00:55

Don't avoid them!! Just carry on as usual with your usual routine of meeting up and just say you're surprised and upset.

How many of you have not been invited? You have 3 dc - what about your youngest db does he have dc? Do you both have partners? This all adds up and probably is why you've been left off as you are extended family and it sounds as if the fiancée's direct family is very large. So they probably just decided to invite direct family and close friends- no extended family.

I would just talk to them about it! They probably feel strange about it be could see no other solution. Although I don't know why they would prioritise such a large number of groomsmen and bridesmaids over family but this was probably arranged before they organised the invites.

And of course you need to go to the evening event! I wouldn't let this destroy your family relationships.

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