To just refuse the wedding invitation

[jessicawessica]

Nephew getting married in august. Been planning this massively expensive do for 2 years and he and fiancee talk about it a lot....dress code, venue, meal, etc.
Went to visit my mum today and my younger DB was also there. My mum gave us both out invitations as DN had dropped them off there.
We all opened them to find that me and DB were not invited to the ceremony and meal, just to the evening do.
I was fuming. My DD has been so looking forward to going to her first wedding ceremony so will be gutted when I tell her, especially as she adores DN s little girl.
My DB and I both said we won't be going at all now, especially as they've included a gift list in the invite and they all look bloody expensive.
I could understand it it was a small intimate do but it's for 150 people. And it's not as though DN has a large family....just his dad who will be 1 of the 10 Groomsmen, his brother, his mum and his gran (my mum).
AIBU to not go?

@beanaseireann OP has already said that his mum has a good relationship with OP's family.

Ah, cross posted.

Well this has gone from bad to worse. I hope that he grows up and builds bridges with you all. Suspect that won't be for quite a while. When is the wedding op? I'm sure you can't wait for this to blow over.

Yes, that's what I was starting to think; that we're not posh enough.

well, maybe your mom had a good point then. Best off you learned this about him

Your nephew is utterly lacking in self awareness. DB1 has indulged him far too much. It’s completely disrespectful to say that you and DB2 need to “get over yourselves”. DB2 and DN should be ashamed.

beanaseirann OP answered that question on her post at 23:52 yesterday. They get on just fine, notwithstanding the divorce.

I don't know if I have missed it OP but have you said how you get on with DN. Do you see him apart from the family Sunday get togethers?

A free lunch was mentioned above, but surely that applies to all family members who turn up at your DM's every Sunday, unless you take it in turns to cook and simply use your DM's house as a base.

Wow, your DN is a Grade A arsehole.

I don’t think you’ve said, how old are he and his fiancée and what sort of work does he do?

I’m glad your Mum made the point but just amazed at how callously he replied. Up until that point there might have been scope for continuing to meet up but in the light of being told to get over yourself I think that you and DB2 would be 100% justified in ceasing all contact.

(And it’s not just the ceremony is it, it’s also the reception with the speeches i.e. all the really meaningful bits.)

In the same vein, did you ever do special godparent things with DN such as give extra gifts or take him for days out as a child?

No we all contribute a dish to the meal.
My relationship has always been good with DN. Not saying we go out on the lash together, but just normal auntie/nephew relations. If we, for example, bumped into each other in the pub, we would have a chat. We wouldn't try to ignore each other.

Sincere apologies OP. I missed that reply from last night.
I thought I had read the full thread.

How can DN be posh? He's chosen 10 'groomsmen' dressed in white and a shindig over property 😄

that we're not posh enough

No the problem is DN has no class.

Does he think you’d be really embarrassing at the wedding or something?? Do you have terrible dress sense/smelly feet/green hair/a champagne addiction!?

WRT when they were younger, yes, we would take them to the park with my DS. They'd come to DS's birthday parties, but as they were older they tended to mix with their older friends.

Notwiththeseknees

The DN isn't posh - He thinks he is!! Huge difference!

I've got this image in my head now of 10 groomsmen, all wearing the same outfits, same hairstyles, same beards.
Hope to God they're not planning of doing some sort of choreographed dance routines.

Whattodofgs 10 groomsmen and choosing a flashy wedding over a house deposit when you're lodging with your MIL don't spell any kind of posh.

Pretentious and shallow, yes. Posh? Nah. Nearly all the weddings I've attended were fairly posh and they typically centre the two families.

Your mums has to go so she can report back. Make sure she takes lots of videos of the really cringey bits..

Does DN have aunts, cousins etc on his mother's side? Any idea if they are invited?

I can almost guarantee a choreographed dance routine. Quite possibly with the 10 Groomsmen kneeling at DN’s feet while they lip-sync “Simply the Best”.

My goodness, at least your DM has your back, how awful to treat you like that.

Maybe he doesn't see you as close family in the same way you do OP? I'm not saying he is right, but maybe he just sees your DM as close family, and that you just turn up at your DM's in the same way as he does so he can see your DM not necessarily the rest of the family.

Obviously rabbiting on about your wedding for 2 years, especially in front of people you are not even inviting is crass and rude, and prioritising money on a lavish wedding rather than a deposit on a house, especially when you already have a child, is just plain stupid.

The fact that you're upset about it all shows that you see your relationship as being much closer than they do. You don't mean much to them - that's what the evening invite means.

Don't go! for crying out loud stand up for yourself. Send them the invite back saying you have better things to do with people more important in your life than them. That will put them in their place.

No aunts or uncles on DNs mums side. Her parents are both dead and she's an only child.