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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent DH over something petty.

152 replies

TeaTeaTeanow · 07/03/2019 21:27

I'll try and be succinct. (And fail)
DH works from home. I commute 2 hours a day. No children, but having IVF treatment. Both train regularly, fitness/sport if hugely important to our lifestyle.
I'm knackered due to emotional drain and drugs, DH is too.
I'm up at 6am daily, back home nearly at 7.
Every morning I bring DH a coffee in bed. He doesn't get up until 7/7:30. He has a leisurely start to his day, reads the news in bed etc. but is awake while I generally gulp down tea, while getting ready. 3 nights a week DH has sport commitments, 2 nights home at 8pm, 1 night home at 10/11 (Friday night) So those night I get in a make dinner, prep, sort gym kit. The other nights we both do it.
I have asked him so many times for him to get up and make me tea, he can come straight back to bed and play on his phone. Not once has he done it without an argument.
I know I'm petty and hormonal ..... but for the love of god why can't he see it's important and would send me off to work with a spring in my step.

OP posts:
Gabilou · 07/03/2019 21:31

Mmmmm have explained why you’re asking?

Tbh I’d be concerned about sharing the load when baby does arrive as well...

BoobiesToTheRescue · 07/03/2019 21:31

What's he going to be like when you have a baby? If he can't even bring his exhausted wife tea without a row?

This isn't petty.

This is a small thing that shows a potential crack.

Furrydogmum · 07/03/2019 21:32

He's selfish, I would question the support he will offer during pregnancy and early parenthood.. Your lifestyle sounds quite full on, are you ready as a couple for the change having a baby will bring?

thedisorganisedmum · 07/03/2019 21:35

Why do you keep bringing his coffee in bed if he doesn't reciprocate?

If you are not sharing tasks and chores equally now, you do realise that it's not going to miraculously change once you have a baby don't you?

Which gym kit do you sort out? Yours hopefully!

It's not petty to expect an equal relationship, and frankly it's a really bad start if it's not now. It will only get worst and will lead to more resentment later.

whippersnapperwrapper · 07/03/2019 21:36

Stop making him coffee, concentrate on yourself

Treaclesweet · 07/03/2019 21:37

Absolutely stop making him coffee.

Floralhousecoat · 07/03/2019 21:38

Dear God. You're not unreasonable and it definitely isn't petty. Why are you sorting his gym kit out? He's at home all day. Let him do it. Surely he could also make the meals and prep so you don't have to do that when you get home. Op, please rethink having a baby with this man. He's inconsiderate, thoughtless and selfish. How much more resentful will you be feeling pregnant and facing a long commute if he can't be bothered to bring you a cup of tea in the morning, while you grow a human being inside of you?

diabeticsanon · 07/03/2019 21:39

i'd be a bit concerned if you were my daughter having a child with this man, he doesn't come across as very supportive now and seems a bit selfish tbh. put a baby in the mix and you could feel like you have two dc to look after.

TBDO · 07/03/2019 21:41

Do you share the workload 50/50 for household chores? Seems off you would sort dinner on three nights, then do it with him the remaining nights - why isn’t he sorting dinner and sending you off to read a book/ gym / relax when he is at home?

Having a baby really brings home unequal relationships. You can paper over one person being more selfish when it’s just you two. Add a child to the mix and you’ll really start resenting that you have picked up more of the home workload.

Have oh talked about how you will balance a child with everything else going on in your lives - does he understand that going out 3 nights a week won’t be possible with a child, for a good many years to come?

Rtmhwales · 07/03/2019 21:41

You want him to get up when exactly? Before you wake up so you can have a cup of tea in bed like you do for him? Or have him get up at 7/7:30 when he normally rouses and go make a cup of tea for you and a cup of coffee for himself?

blackteasplease · 07/03/2019 21:42

Yes stop doing it!

ZeroFuchsGiven · 07/03/2019 21:45

I don't get this, you are up before him but want him to get up earlier to make you a cup of tea in bed?

SummerHouse · 07/03/2019 21:45

He wouldn't be getting another coffee off me. I might keep a few beans on my beside table to flick at him at 6.45am.

Original poster
TeaTeaTeanow · 07/03/2019 21:51

I'm not expecting him to get up earlier to bring me tea in bed ...... he generally wakes while I'm in the shower. Open plan, so the noise wakes him. I'll get up, shower then he'll be starting to stir when I'm doing hair make up. This is when I drink my tea.
Sunday is our only long lie and generally getting tea out of him involves a bartering system or me getting up in a huff.
It seems petty to go down and bring myself tea and not him.
He isn't lazy, he won't do as much as me generally but that's my high standards, love a really clean house and probably do too much/expect too much tbh.

OP posts:
Mysterycat23 · 07/03/2019 21:53
  • train regularly, fitness/sport if hugely important to our lifestyle. I'm knackered*

YABU tbh. If your lifestyle is making you knackered, change it. It isn't rocket science.

You want to feel like DH supports you practically and emotionally by making you a cuppa in the morning. Getting up with you and showing an interest in your life. Now, that is not unreasonable to want. The problem is, he isn't ever going to change. Believe me. I have the same issue. I can tell you after DC it does NOT CHANGE. He will never change. I'm not excusing his behaviour. I am saying that what you put up with is what you get. You have power, use it wisely.

Vulpine · 07/03/2019 21:55

Not petty in the least. He's an arse.

Carriemac · 07/03/2019 21:59

drop your standards

GummyGoddess · 07/03/2019 22:00

I know this isn't the question you're asking, but are you sure he'll be cutting down his gym time to the same level as yours when a baby arrives? It's just that gym is/was hugely important to DH and me, we now have very little time to do anything and we have a gym in the house!

The last thing you want is to be walking baby up and down while he's off exercising and then getting home and refusing to actually parent so you can be you.

thedisorganisedmum · 07/03/2019 22:00

generally getting tea out of him involves a bartering system or me getting up in a huff.

I think your mistake is thinking he will change. He won't.

I wouldn't bring him anything: either he really doesn't care about it - and that's why he can't be bothered to get up to get the drink, or he does want one and then he should get up his backside.

SummerHouse · 07/03/2019 22:00

So true about the change not happening. My mum said of my DP "you are just going to have to accept it because it's not going to change." He is SLOW. Faffs around. Cuts toenails when there are 200 jobs to do before going on holiday. I do accept it. As he does me being an intolerable ranty arsehole. And now I get to say it back to my mum every time he annoys her (like when we nearly missed a flight because he wanted to put air in the tyres....

thedisorganisedmum · 07/03/2019 22:02

YABU tbh. If your lifestyle is making you knackered, change it. It isn't rocket science

It's more likely IVF, work and commute who are knackering the OP. Giving up on the one thing that helps you keep your sanity and make you feel good is terrible advice.
If the alternative is to slob in front of the TV or spend hours on MN, then the OP is absolutely better off exercising.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 07/03/2019 22:03

Why the hell are you continuing to bring him a cup in the morning with his attitude?

And I'd think long and hard what having children with such a selfish creature will be like ...

givemesteel · 07/03/2019 22:04

I think you need to explain to him at a time when things aren't fraught that it's not so much about the tea itself, it's about the gesture, the feeling cared about and looked after.

I think he needs to know that the brunt of the physical strain of ivf falls on you and you are feeling physically and emotionally fragile and you just want to feel looked after, whether that's a tea sometimes in the morning, picking up a donut for you or offering to pick up a takeaway (or whatever is your thing).

Maybe try and find in the internet a man's guide to ivf and how gruelling it is for their partner physically and emotionally (or maybe someone more helpful than me has one they can post).

As people say, it's not a small thing, it's the little gestures that count. He needs to know that if you're pregnant/recovering from birth/breastfeeding for hours he's gonna have to step up and bring you a lot of cups of tea!

Good luck with the ivf, prayers for you.

Floralhousecoat · 07/03/2019 22:06

Men like him prioritize themselves. He plays sports 3 times a week but won't get up to make you a cup of tea without a row, even on a Sunday after you both have had a lie in. He doesn't value you and won't do anything if it doesn't benefit him. Be very very careful having a baby with him. Pregnancy and new babies can test the strongest of relationships. You need someone who will be there for you completely, with support you can count on fully. Not someone who can't bebothered to do the tiniest thing to show their partner they cherish them.

JaneEyre07 · 07/03/2019 22:10

Firstly you aren't being petty. You are supposed to be in an equal partnership, only you're not. He takes but won't give.

That's pretty shit however you look at it.

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