To resent DH over something petty.

[TeaTeaTeanow]

I'll try and be succinct. (And fail)
DH works from home. I commute 2 hours a day. No children, but having IVF treatment. Both train regularly, fitness/sport if hugely important to our lifestyle.
I'm knackered due to emotional drain and drugs, DH is too.
I'm up at 6am daily, back home nearly at 7.
Every morning I bring DH a coffee in bed. He doesn't get up until 7/7:30. He has a leisurely start to his day, reads the news in bed etc. but is awake while I generally gulp down tea, while getting ready. 3 nights a week DH has sport commitments, 2 nights home at 8pm, 1 night home at 10/11 (Friday night) So those night I get in a make dinner, prep, sort gym kit. The other nights we both do it.
I have asked him so many times for him to get up and make me tea, he can come straight back to bed and play on his phone. Not once has he done it without an argument.
I know I'm petty and hormonal ..... but for the love of god why can't he see it's important and would send me off to work with a spring in my step.

[ChicCroissant]

I'm also going to say that there must be something else bothering you really OP, but you are focusing on the tea which isn't doing you any favours. He's awake because you need to get up earlier than he does and you make noise in a shared space.

As PP have said, you want to feel cared for - his way of showing that may not be matching yours at the moment.

[adaline]

I think it's the gesture of if and when he was awake while watching footie in bed or browsing his phone, getting up to make me a cuppa it would mean a lot and he knows that.

But you're the one who's woken him up unnecessarily early! Why on earth should he then also get out of bed and make you coffee when you're already up and getting ready?

If I was in his shoes I'd be telling you to be more bloody considerate in the morning so I could go back to sleep! I'd be massively unimpressed at being woken up 90 minutes early everyday - and then to be told I should be getting out of bed and making my partner coffee or tea? Fat chance!

[LittleBearPad]

Well he seems thoughtless based on your last post but the tea is unreasonable

[Waveysnail]

I wouldn't expect him to get up to make a cup of tea but I wouldn't expect you to bring me a cup coffee either

[swingofthings]

You're resentful that you've got to get up and ready and face commuting whrn he gets to stay in bed. Him getting up means that he doesn't have it as good.

This isn't the way to go. Yes, it is hard to swallow whrn your partner gets what you'd like to have to, but feeling better by them getting less of their fortunate position is a not a really nice thing to do.

You need to focus on the good things you have and stop comparing. Do you nerd to cook on Friday night? If you do for yourself because you want to and making an extra portion is no big deal, do it. If you are however cooking by habit whrn you'd rather not them don't. He can grab or fix something for himself whrn get gets home. But don't expect him to get up to do you a cup of tea whrn you can do so easily.

[PiebaldHamster]

I'm kinda left to do the rest, unless I ask him to help. He says he doesn't see what needs doing so needs told.

Oh, one of those. And you're going through IVF to have a kid with him. That and the gym are far bigger problems than a cup of tea in bed, which btw, you will NEVER get with this man. Well, here's your chance to go into this with your eyes wide open: cleaning the loo isn't 'help' and adults 'see what needs doing' in life. But he 'sees what needs doing' at work and the fucking gym.

You have a kid with this guy and well, you'll get the kid, which I suppose is the goal, but you'll be with a guy who still expects to carry on with the gym and sport like a childfree person with her indoors to clean the loo.

Personally, I wouldn't care to have a hot drink in bed in my life but also would not live with the sort I have to tell to 'help' or tell them to do lifework because they 'don't see what needs doing' or any other variant.

So, as long as you realise this man will never change, crack on. But you're not going to ever get a cup of tea in bed.

[adaline]

I also agree with the poster up thread who says you resent the fact the works from home and doesn't have a long commute.

I think subconsciously you're trying to "punish" him for that by making him get up when you do, and get out of bed when you have to be out of bed.

Twist it around OP. If you had the luxury of being able to work from home, meaning you could stay in bed until 8am everyday, would you be happy if your partner woke you up at 6.30, had a shower, came back into the bedroom to get ready and then told you to get up and make them tea? I doubt it - but it's what you're doing to him.

Let him sleep. That would be the nice thing to do. Get up, get your stuff ready the night before and go and get ready downstairs so he can go back to sleep! Just because you have to be up early doesn't mean you should be able to clatter around and wake everyone else up too.

[Ragwort]

I disagree with others who say you should let him sleep in, you are getting up early to have time to prepare your IVF treatment and get ready for a commute & he is lounging around in bed, it’s not as if he has been working the night shift or has an excessively physical job and needs to ‘rest’; he just doesn’t sound at all supportive. And the fact you have to ‘negotiate’ for a cup of tea on a Sunday when you both have a lie in is truly shocking.

And I know the comments about ‘why are you having a baby with this man’ are too late for you now but perhaps they might help other women who are in a relationship to look out for what is ‘acceptable’ behaviour in a partner.

If he is like this now I dread to think what he will be like when you have a baby.

[SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc]

I think you need to seriously have a talk about chores etc before you potentially have a baby,the early days with a newborn are beyond hard imo and you both need to do equal amounts if and when the time comes

[Lahlahfizzyfizzydoda]

Stop making him coffee in the morning.

[Ledkr]

Ignoring the obvious and previously much pondered question as to whether you have time off a baby..... Get a one cup boiler for your bedroom, tea bags and some of those little hotel milks and bobs your uncle. You can make your own tea each day and avoid going down stairs to make his lazy arse a coffee.

Job done.

[swingofthings]

When you get to the point where you resent your oh for the little luxuries they happen to benefit from due to circumstances and expect them to forgone them just so they can share your frustrations, the relationship is in big trouble.

What's next? You can have a new car because his is old and it would be fair you get the enjoyment of a new car when he cant?

You can't go away for a weekend with your girlfriends because his friends won't agree to a weekend with him?

You can't expect everything to be equal all the time in a relationship. What matters is that all in all, it is fairly so.

[Tixywixy]

Sorry OP but it won't change. You'll be knackered with a young baby and he 'won't have woken up' or 'won't know what to do'. He'll carry on with the sport and you'll do all the childcare as well as the gruntwork.

Anyone who thinks it's JUST about tea hasn't got it at all. It's about being cared for and he doesn't make you feel cared for. Is he prepared to change that?

[Pinkbells]

It does seem a bit petty when you are already up anyway, making a cup of tea only takes a few moments. But just stay in bed at the weekends and eventually he'll have to get up if he wants his coffee!

[Damntheman]

I second/third/fourth the suggestion to get a teasmade. Genius tech! And will mean nobody has to get up on that sunday morning to get a lovely cuppa.

Stop bringing him coffee, and when you're both rested and calm you need to sit down and have a talk about a) feeling underappreciated and b) how things will change when a baby comes along. You need to ram it home to him that yes, his life WILL change post baby, it isn't fair to expect all the changes to be on you.

[Underoverunder]

There are lots of flags here that this is a selfish man and he puts himself first and doesn't consider you or your feelings. When a baby comes along, that won't change and you will become more resentful.

At first I thought YABU to expect him to get out of bed to make you tea just because you have to get up early for work. My DH gets up much earlier than me and if I get woken up, I use the time in bed to read the news, do stuff on my phone etc... I don't get up until he house is empty. If I got up to make him a hot drink, I wouldn't get back into bed and then I'd feel resentful I'd had to get up so early. BUT, on a weekend, if DH has a rare lie in and I get up before him, I love to take him a cup of tea.

It seems petty to go down and bring myself tea and not him.
He isn't lazy, he won't do as much as me generally but that's my high standards, love a really clean house and probably do too much/expect too much tbh He is lazy. Or rather he does not prioritise your feelings and ideals. You can't pick and choose the chores you like. Shopping and cooking are pleasurable activities for many - although I wonder if he will be so keen to do it if he has a family to cater for. Then it becomes a chore.

Also, if you're doing IVF currently and injecting yourself in the mornings he should be treating you like a queen and even if he doesn't normally get up to make you tea, he should be doing so at this time.

And this He likes me to come home after work, not go to the pub if he's not a sport. That's not the makings of a long term, mutually respective relationship. You're there to serve his needs and make his life easier. If this does not tell you that, nothing else will.

[Underoverunder]

Bold fail. Sorry

[swingofthings]

If you are at that level of pettiness and counting whose got it worse, you can be assured it will be MUCH MUCH MUCH worse after baby is there.

Your level of exhaustion is nothing compared to what it will be. You'll be desperate for some attention, minutes for yourself and a fair share of activities. If you are going to count how many times he's changed baby on the week CO pared to you and then HD this against him, your relationship will definitely be doomed.

Roles and responsibilities in a relationship don't have to all be shared 50/50 at all time. There are things you might do all the time but then some he might. Even if you do more at one time in the relation ship, it might very well be that 1 year, or 2 or 5 years later, the roles will be reversed.

I make a cup of tea for my oh every single morning. Sometimes he teases me and ask me where it is if he wakes up earlier than normal. I wouldn't do it if I was off work and he wasn't and still in bed. However, there are many tasks he does that I never do and am glad I don't.

[Tinkobell]

That is mean spirited of him. I'm not surprised you're hurt OP, I would be too.....it shows a lack of reciprocal kindness.

[Underoverunder]

Also - you say he does all of the life admin. At the moment, without kids, what is that exactly? All the financial stuff?

When a child comes along, this is what life admin looks like.... The stuff like doctor's appointments, haircuts, dental visits, school letters, the calendar, birthday gifts for family, arranging your child's birthday party, planning day trips and outings, to name a few. Are you so certain 'life admin' will be something he covers once a baby comes along?

[netflixoriginal]

I'm kinda left to do the rest, unless I ask him to help. He says he doesn't see what needs doing so needs told.
3 nights a week DH has sport commitments, 2 nights home at 8pm, 1 night home at 10/11 (Friday night) So those night I get in a make dinner, prep, sort gym kit.

@BejamNostalgia

It's not nasty or horrible. Op has a choice about whether she wants to have a baby with someone who needs to be 'asked to help'. The baby isn't even here yet.

And you can take your holier than thou comments about infertility and stick them. I've been through 5 years of infertility and treatments and needles and invasive procedures. Going through it makes you realise even more how important it is to have a partner who is supportive and actually gives a shit.

[Loopytiles]

So he goes to his sport or the pub and wants you home when he chooses to be.

Are you saying that you do almost all the cleaning?

“ He says he doesn't see what needs doing so needs told”. That’s an old chestnut! Does he see what needs doing at his job? In his sport? He’s capable, he just doesn’t want to do it.

Sounds like he has some sexist attitudes.

If you have DC,

[Bluntness100]

Not surprised at some of these answers. If anyone is a regular mumsnetters they will know the immediate default is ltb.

For my part no fucking way would I be getting out of bed way earlier than I need to make my husband a cup of tea to send him to work with a spring in his step. Fuck that. I'd be appalled if he asked me too and would tell him exactly where the kettle was.

[trendingorange]

I'm going to come out and say it.
I don't think he loves you.
If he loved you he would notice you.
If he noticed you he would want to care for you like you care for him.
If he cared about you he would make that cup of tea once a week.

It's not much to ask?
I wouldn't be making plans to have a child, I would be making plans to find a replacement if I was you. One that would love me.

[BeenThereDone]

Summerhouse.... Think we might have the same dp!! 😂 I call mine King of the Faffers..... And one of these days I will be had for murder but until that day he will continue to faff and make everyone late, lost or laughing...