To resent DH over something petty.

[TeaTeaTeanow]

I'll try and be succinct. (And fail)
DH works from home. I commute 2 hours a day. No children, but having IVF treatment. Both train regularly, fitness/sport if hugely important to our lifestyle.
I'm knackered due to emotional drain and drugs, DH is too.
I'm up at 6am daily, back home nearly at 7.
Every morning I bring DH a coffee in bed. He doesn't get up until 7/7:30. He has a leisurely start to his day, reads the news in bed etc. but is awake while I generally gulp down tea, while getting ready. 3 nights a week DH has sport commitments, 2 nights home at 8pm, 1 night home at 10/11 (Friday night) So those night I get in a make dinner, prep, sort gym kit. The other nights we both do it.
I have asked him so many times for him to get up and make me tea, he can come straight back to bed and play on his phone. Not once has he done it without an argument.
I know I'm petty and hormonal ..... but for the love of god why can't he see it's important and would send me off to work with a spring in my step.

Anyone fancy a "partners of faffers" thread? After 13 years I'm really wondering if I can keep going. 😠

Yes to the partners of Faffers thread please!!

If he cared about you he would make that cup of tea once a week

Lol, he doesn't love or care for her? How happy did it make you to tell her that? Is your work here down for the day, or do you have more bike to spew?

I love and care for my husband, and have done for the nearly thirty years I've been with him. And am I fuck getting out of bed to make him a cup of tea. Wanna tell me it means I don't love or care for him too? Really make your day complete? 🤣

If he cared about you he would make that cup of tea once a week.

Or, if she cared about him, she wouldn't wake him up over an hour earlier than necessary everyday while she got ready, and then try and insist on him getting up to make him tea or coffee!

Personally, I wouldn't get out of bed to bring you a cup of tea when you are the one getting up and I'm not... You make the tea because you are up and making one anyway. My partner leaves for work earlier than me, I wouldn't get up and make him a cup of tea. So YABU on that point.

But he does need to share the rest of the workload equally.

I can't believe people are goi j g on about wh wst a rubbish father he'll be!!! I can tell you honestly before I had kids my only responsibilities were getting to work, a bit of cleaning and paying a few bills, I didn't do a hundreth/thousanth/millionth of what I do now. NOBODY knows what type of parent anyone will be.

Men who don’t do a fair share of domestic work before DC often don’t do so afterwards either.

With no DC this is unfair but the domestic workload is manageable

And the domestic work and “mental load” hugely expands, so with the addition to of parenting, sleep deprivation (and returning to work, after mat leave ends) mothers married to these men can try to cover it all, to their detriment, or ask for change.

Some fathers step up, but many don’t.

OP has said her H does “life admin” and cooking, the latter because he likes it, but she always cleans the loo.

It really doesn’t show a pleasant, caring side of him! I don’t think this is petty at all, it’s one of the small ways we can show our love...even if he doesn’t particularly need a morning cuppa he knows you do and I’d want to know why he isn’t wanting to put effort into making you feel cherished like you do him. Talk to him, far better now before children!

You might as well have doormat stamped on your head. He expects you to be at his beck and call, and you just comply.
IVF is gruelling and if he can't even be arsed to make you a cup of tea when he knows it is important to you, then he is a selfish, lazy arse.
You might not consider it helpful when posters say ltb it ask why you are having a baby with him, but it's a fair question. In a couple of years you'll be back here posting about your husband who buggers off out all the time, won't cut back on his hobbies and leaves you all the childcare and housework.

There is no way on earth I would ever get out of bed to make a cup of tea for anyone when I didn’t have to be up for another half an hour - reading my phone or not. I would think it’s selfish of the person asking me to do it.
Having said that I also wouldn’t be washing his gym kit and preparing it, He’s a big boy he can organise his own gym kit surely?

Where is everyone getting this bit about the DH not doing his fair share. He has a sports hobbie but so does the OP. There is one night a week when the OP choses to stay at home pack gym bags make dinner and prep and she clearly says the other 2 night they do this together. What is this man doing that is so selfish. If my DP was getting up an hour and a half before me and banging about drying hair and doing make up in the room u was sleeping in I would be bloody fuming! I certainly wouldn't be getting up to make them tea, I would be telling them to sod off into another room and let me sleep.

Do they still make Teasmades??? But one of those.
Problem solved.

A few weeks ago there was a thread on here about a man who worked away part if the week and used to get up early in the morning on the day of travel. He was pretty much unanimously slated because he woke his wife by dressing with his phone light on. Suggestions were either all clothes should be in the bathroom so he could dress in there or he should leave the night before. Nobody suggested his wife should make him a cup of tea or she didn't care about him. Indeed he was considered the uncaring selfish one.

He does sound like a lazy arse. It wouldn't hurt for him to do it occasionally would it? Its a pretty small thing to make his wife happy

Surely the point here is that she's currently going through a very unpleasant process to try and help them concieve and he is not being supportive or nurturing.

To the YABU's - if your DHs were getting up in the morning and stabbing themselves full of hormones because they hope it will help you have a child, and they have said it would be lovely if you would get up and make them a cup of tea, wouldn't you do it? It's an insignificant thing but it demonstrates care for your partner at a time when they are feeling vulnerable.

It doesn't solve the problem to buy a Teasmade, because she wants her husband to do it to see that he cares. Especially mid IVF cycle, he should have some understanding.

This is an indication of much bigger problems. Having a child with him sounds like a bad idea tbh. You'll end up back on MN complaining that he never helps with the baby. 💯%

Thanks @brenda for explaining that. I despair at threads like this.

The woman is going through IVF and wants a cup of tea and a bit of compassion, tenderness and care from her dh. She wants to feel like they are BOTH in it together. This isn't about the tea. But it's a perfect example of when a measly cup of tea would go a very very long way.

This isn't about the tea

No, it certainly is it, but about a person who doesn't pull his weight in life because he 'doesn't see it needs doing' and only does what he finds enjoyable.

Sorry, isn't about the tea.

So many posters seem to be ignoring the fact the OP is having to get up to do the IVF treatment, presumably for a baby they both want? Surely any loving partner would want to get up with his GF/wife to be supportive? Otherwise is it assumed that IVF treatment is just another part of ‘wifework’ & it’s fine for the man to just have a lie in & read the news in bed .

What’s wrong with a little kindness in a relationship?

What’s wrong with a little kindness in a relationship?

Well, considering he CBAd to even clean the bog he shits in, it's probably a bit much to expect him to show her 'a little kindness' in the IVF process, sadly.

Surely the point here is that she's currently going through a very unpleasant process to try and help them concieve

Its unfortunate that the burden of ivf, pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding fall completely on the women in the relationship, but that's just the way it is, it's biology. It doesn't help to resent the man and punish him over it.

Believe me, I am the first around here to point out and criticise lazy, entitled men. But this isn't that.

OP, if you skip making his coffee in the morning you will save 30 seconds from your routine that you can then use to make your own tea. Problem solved!

What’s wrong with a little kindness in a relationship?

He doesn't show any kindness elsewhere, so imo the tea is just a symptom of a much bigger issue.

He's a man who doesn't prep dinner, expects his wife to sort out all his stinky gym clothes, can't be bothered to clean the toilet and "doesn't see" what needs doing around the house. These men rarely change. He's been like this for a while, presumably - it didn't just happen overnight.

Too many women expect men to change when they become pregnant when their behaviour has shown all along that they're hopeless.

I got a tea in bed ..... shock horror!