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AIBU?

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Original poster

To resent DH over something petty.

152 replies

TeaTeaTeanow · 07/03/2019 21:27

I'll try and be succinct. (And fail)
DH works from home. I commute 2 hours a day. No children, but having IVF treatment. Both train regularly, fitness/sport if hugely important to our lifestyle.
I'm knackered due to emotional drain and drugs, DH is too.
I'm up at 6am daily, back home nearly at 7.
Every morning I bring DH a coffee in bed. He doesn't get up until 7/7:30. He has a leisurely start to his day, reads the news in bed etc. but is awake while I generally gulp down tea, while getting ready. 3 nights a week DH has sport commitments, 2 nights home at 8pm, 1 night home at 10/11 (Friday night) So those night I get in a make dinner, prep, sort gym kit. The other nights we both do it.
I have asked him so many times for him to get up and make me tea, he can come straight back to bed and play on his phone. Not once has he done it without an argument.
I know I'm petty and hormonal ..... but for the love of god why can't he see it's important and would send me off to work with a spring in my step.

OP posts:
iloveruby · 07/03/2019 22:56

Hang on - the OP isn't talking about the husband making her a cup of tea during the week she is referring to the Sunday when they are both having a lie-in but the husband still refuses to go and make her a cuppa.

Agree with all the other posters - you need to be very sure that he is pulling his weight before you have a baby together.

MirriVan · 07/03/2019 23:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

adaline · 07/03/2019 23:02

Re. The Sunday thing - it sounds to me like he's not bothered about it so doesn't see the need to get up - OP then huffs and puffs and does it anyway because otherwise she won't get her tea.

jocktamsonsbairn · 07/03/2019 23:03

My ex was like this - loved the big show of sending me a bouquet of flowers at work etc as he thought he looked like a hero. I resented that too as I thought he looked like an arcade. He never brought me a cup of coffee in bed either. The resentment grew and grew...

BadTigerKitty · 07/03/2019 23:04

I don't think the tea during the week is the issue I see here. I'm more concerned about the general support and sharing of household tasks. Why isn't the person working from home taking care of meal prep during the week? Without a long commute, there is loads of time to either cook something for reheating later, or prepping ingredients for the OP to cook.

Epanoui · 07/03/2019 23:13

Please sort this before you have a baby with this man. It will only get worse.

Judystilldreamsofhorses · 07/03/2019 23:13

I get up at 6.30 for work, and make tea for both me and DP, who gets up slightly later. I also feed the cat and let her out. On a Saturday he gets up, feeds the cat, and brings me tea and a bacon sandwich in bed. (Timing of this depends on when the cat starts stamping on our heads, but she can usually be persuaded to cuddle down between us until about 10 if we give her “supper” about midnight.) Sundays depend on who wakes up first.

We had a terrible period where DP was made redundant and was out of work for almost two years. I honestly believe that without the various small acts of kindness we would have gone under. The cups of tea, the £1 daffodils, making sure there’s enough hot water for an after-work bath on a Friday.

FizzyGreenWater · 07/03/2019 23:19

It's not petty.

Time for a big big talk.

WorraLiberty · 07/03/2019 23:31

The tea is very petty

But the tea is clearly not the issue here

timeisnotaline · 07/03/2019 23:39

I too wonder if your dp is really going to think once a baby comes that he should skip the gym the first few weeks then cut it to one night out a week for the first few months, or if he actually thinks that having a baby around means he’s tireder and needs the break of the gym and ignores the fact that you have been up every two hours at night walking up and down and are exhausted and could really do with him cooking dinner while you feed the baby.. or vice versa.

BejamNostalgia · 07/03/2019 23:43

What? Have I fallen into the twilight zone and everybody else is reading a different thread from me?

You want him to get up earlier than you and make you a cup of tea and bring it to you in bed even though he doesn’t need to get up at that time?

Of course that’s unreasonable, I’d be bloody fuming if my DH expected that off me. You don’t need to take him the coffee, but you can’t expect him to get up just to get you a cup of tea. It’s bad enough to wake him but tea would take the piss.

If someone posted on here that their husband wanted her to do it because she was ‘proving her love to him’ or ‘showing he was cherished’ he’d be ripped to shreds

Good luck with the IVF BTW, I have 3 successes with that, if you possibly can get acupuncture because that really does help results.

Myheartbelongsto · 07/03/2019 23:54

You honestly want him to get up an hour and a half before you to make you tea....that is ridiculous .

Myheartbelongsto · 07/03/2019 23:56

Beam, I thought the same.

I can't believe some of these replies.

Myheartbelongsto · 07/03/2019 23:58

Bejam! Autocorrect....

EdinaMonsoon · 08/03/2019 00:11

OP My DH & I have a similar work situation to you & yours. I work from home & DH has an almost 2hr commute (door to door). Despite this, we wake at the same time & take it in turns to make tea/coffee because it seems to me to be a much nicer way to start the day together & I think it’s simply a kind thing to do for each other. As for meals & laundry, I do most of it during the week but DH takes over on weekends.

You are TTC, feeling knackered, hormonal & stressed, & I can absolutely empathise. You need to have a very honest conversation with your DH because the “well why should I because I don’t HAVE to” approach doesn’t bode well for any prospect of 50/50 parenting.

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/03/2019 00:17

Don’t have a baby with this selfish man.

WorraLiberty · 08/03/2019 00:17

Definitely have 'that' conversation.

But FFS leave the tea out of it and the getting up one and a half hours before he needs to, just to make you a hot drink.

BejamNostalgia · 08/03/2019 00:18

It’s not just the Sunday, she says she will be going to work after.

The Sunday should be shared, but no, making someone go and make you tea after you’ve woken them up is not on for the weekdays

minipie · 08/03/2019 00:19

The tea is ridiculous OP.

The reason you resent it, I suspect, is because you’re actually doing more than your share in so many other ways, and he doesn’t prioritise you in so many other ways.

As a pp said why is he not prepping dinner while he wfh, on the nights he’s going to be out late doing sport? Or at least getting half the prep done?

Why is he not doing more than half the housework (rather than much less than half as it sounds) given he has no commute and you do, so your working hours are much longer?

Have you discussed what will happen to the sporting regime when you have a baby?

BejamNostalgia · 08/03/2019 00:23

Don’t have a baby with this selfish man.

Honestly this place is nuts sometimes. Not getting up an hour and a half early to make your spouse a cup of tea is behaviour bad enough to dump him and cancel the IVF 😂😂😂

Just utter lunacy.

Actually I don’t think you mean that advice at all, I think you just wanted to say something hurtful to the OP because she’s having IVF.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/03/2019 00:37

I hate to bring this up, but have you considered how his attitude is going to affect division of labour once you have a baby? Is he going to be willing to carry his fair share of the entire load once you go back to work? Will he be appreciative of the role of SAHM or will he be of the 'you don't have much to do' school of thought.

You really, really need to think about this carefully and decide what you'll be willing to put up with before you have a baby with this man because he isn't going to change.

netflixoriginal · 08/03/2019 01:16

Why do you want to have a baby with him? He's just going to leave all the shit for you to do and you'll be the 'nagging wife'.

Stargazer888 · 08/03/2019 01:58

Dh gets up before me and I'd be annoyed if he wanted me up to make him tea. You are deciding to make him tea in the morning and bring it to bed. It's a nice thing to do but don't do it if you are annoyed it's not reciprocated.

StoppinBy · 08/03/2019 02:06

Generally when 'something petty' bothers you there is other things that are actually at the root of the issue, is this possibly the case?

My DH and I had a very rough patch and even things like the way he folded the towels or hung out the clothes on the clothes horse would P me right off, now I just refold/rehang when he isn't looking Wink .

I suspect that you feel unsupported in other ways and that his refusal to even 'be a team' with the tea making when he is actually awake already is stirring those feeling for you? Is there some way the two of you can destress your lives a bit together? I think that is where I would be putting my focus if possible.

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