To resent DH over something petty.

[TeaTeaTeanow]

I'll try and be succinct. (And fail)
DH works from home. I commute 2 hours a day. No children, but having IVF treatment. Both train regularly, fitness/sport if hugely important to our lifestyle.
I'm knackered due to emotional drain and drugs, DH is too.
I'm up at 6am daily, back home nearly at 7.
Every morning I bring DH a coffee in bed. He doesn't get up until 7/7:30. He has a leisurely start to his day, reads the news in bed etc. but is awake while I generally gulp down tea, while getting ready. 3 nights a week DH has sport commitments, 2 nights home at 8pm, 1 night home at 10/11 (Friday night) So those night I get in a make dinner, prep, sort gym kit. The other nights we both do it.
I have asked him so many times for him to get up and make me tea, he can come straight back to bed and play on his phone. Not once has he done it without an argument.
I know I'm petty and hormonal ..... but for the love of god why can't he see it's important and would send me off to work with a spring in my step.

Why do you want to have a baby with him? He's just going to leave all the shit for you to do and you'll be the 'nagging wife'.

What a nasty horrible post. For a start it’s not like the OP has said he never lifts a finger so your response is totally out of proportion.

But do you actually think it’s kind or appropriate to say to a woman who will have had years of infertility, investigations and treatment and is half way through IVF that she shouldn’t be having a baby? Of course it’s not, it’s an utterly horrible callous cheap shot.

It never ceases to amaze me how cruel and nasty some women are to women dealing with infertility and how much they enjoy giving them a kick when they’re down.

Horrible, just plain horrible.

In his mind you're up and he's not and horrendously I see his point and thought process and I'd probably not get out of bed either but while you've been great making him a cuppa, don't! He can make his own! And let him do his own kit stuff. Just leave him to it. Also you need to tell him how exhausted you are. Talk to him. You can't keep up like this OP, you sound wrecked. Also I'd consider what you can do about the commute/ work situation. This isn't sustainable

My DH has got getting up in the morning without waking me down to a fine art... I’d be seriously pissed off if I was being woken an hour to an hour and a half early every day, never mind if he expected me to get up and make him tea!

You could always shower before you go to bed instead of in the morning?

It is crappy of your DH to refuse to do it on a Sunday as that would be a nice thing for him to do, but otherwise, YABU.

Stop the coffee in bed, he is taking it for granted and not showing nice manners. This Sunday, please do bring yourself tea to bed, and nothing for him.

Why should anyone get out of bed at 6am to make tea for you? Is your house Downton Abby?

Are you actually annoyed about general inequality or lack of support from him? Or are you actually picking out this one silly thing and making a mountain of it?

And yeah, it's nice to do small acts of kindness for your partner (like bringing him coffee in bed) but not if you resent him for accepting it afterwards. Stop bringing him coffee, stop packing his bags if it's bumming you out.

And yes, agree with PPs that if your job and schedule is making you miserable, focus on that, not the cup of tea. You'll have to make a lot of changes anyway when your baby arrives, you might as well do it now.

BTW, if you're feeling tired and hormonal on IVF, but that's just the beginning. Pregnancy can be rough so you might want to scale back on your commitments if they are already feeling like too much.

stop making him coffee!

Reverse this, 'DH gets up earlier than me for work, makes loads of racket in the shower and wakes me up before I have to wake (I work from home), now he's getting shirty because I won't hop out of bed and make him tea!'

Also how much sorting did gym kit need? You West of and throw it in the wash.

*wear it and throw it in the wash

It's not really petty. It's the tip of the potential iceberg that may sink your marriage as efficiently as the Titanic.

I have no doubt he thinks it very amusing that you continue to bring him coffee every morning and chalks it up as a victory in his rather selfish life. It's a game to him, and one that he wins every single day that you let him.

STOP with the coffee. No need to have a row about it, just tell him that a 50//50 division of labour is required with early morning refreshments!

If you continue he will eventually think of another little power play and add another layer to the proverbial iceberg. Sort this out before you think of having a baby or life will eventually become intolerable.

Sometimes it's the little 'petty' things that are the most telling.

This is not petty OP, It's huge. It is the small things that are the tell.

I actually don’t think he is U to not get up earlier than you to get you a tea in bed. If you’re the one that has to be up first you can’t really ask someone else to get up even earlier.

However the general workload balance seems out of kilter and it’s that you need to address rather than the morning tea.

I expect he’s the kind of man who won’t be making any adjustments to his life post baby btw. You’ll be the one giving up your training not DP.

Stop making him hot drinks, completely - he has had years of tea service. Focus on self care.

How has he been supporting you during the IVF, generally?!

Have you explictly discussed how you would share domestic work and parenting, both have roughly equal leisure time (for training), and maintain some time for your relationship, if you have DC?

I have no doubt he thinks it very amusing that you continue to bring him coffee every morning and chalks it up as a victory in his rather selfish life

If my DH was waking me up an hour and a half early every morning I would think bringing me a coffee was the least he could do...

This is not about tea. What is the deeper argument here? He doesn't appreciate you? Takes you for granted?

These things you do for them such as sorting gym kit or bringing coffee. Do you do them because you feel like you should? Because he wants you to? You feel like it's part of relationship? You've always done it?

Is he Ok about waking early? Or does it annoy him?

Weekends are the main issue IMO, and that he gets huffy if you push the issue on a lie in day.

Who does the cooking?

I do nt think it’s about the tea, I think you resent him working from home, and it might be about power on your part.

Check out the 5 love languages as it sounds like you may have different styles of showing your love. You feel 'acts of service' are a way of showing (and receiving) love and therefore when he refuses to do this, you feel unloved. But he may not see it the same way, and you bringing him a cup of coffee is exactly that, just a drink. I wouldn't want to get up an hour earlier either.

Not getting tea on a Sat/Sun sounds like he's just a lazy arse though

It's only if this is an example of his overall personality & character that it would be a major concern to me.

Have a good think about what he does do, and if perhaps you are being a bit OTT with the stuff you do?

Just as an example, I feel like I do loads more housework than my OH. If I factor in the time she spends on doing the school run and after school activities, and other stuff like sorting bills and cooking, ordering shopping etc I probably come out of it pretty well.

Key thing for me - either adress the issue properly and articulate how serious you see it, or just do it with a smile. You can choose whether to be upset about this .

Pull back on the exercise - start looking after yourself first.

It's not really helpful the comments of leave him now, why are you having a child with this man.

I think it's the gesture of if and when he was awake while watching footie in bed or browsing his phone, getting up to make me a cuppa it would mean a lot and he knows that.

I've asked him to read love languages - he wouldn't.
He openly admits he doesn't tell me he loves me enough.

He is a great cook and enjoys that, he does most of the food shopping too. However I like doing that too out of all the chores so we almost bicker over the 'premium' chores, he'll rarely clean the loo for example. He does all the life admin. I'm kinda left to do the rest, unless I ask him to help. He says he doesn't see what needs doing so needs told.

I think it just amplified by the IVF, I do my stims in the morning and just think why can't you just get your ass out of bed while I'm jagging myself in the tummy even when I asked you to the night before!!! But yet he seems oblivious to it.

Tonight for example, he has a night off sport. He likes me to come home after work, not go to the pub if he's not a sport. So we can have time together and he's arranged to meet his mate for a few beers .......

I'm afraid I think YABU OP. Stop making him coffee if you are to busy in the morning. The morning before work is a busy time and not a time to be doing cute little favours.

You seem to really resent that you have a long commute and take longer to get ready, but it's not his fault. Not saying it's your fault either - it's no one's fault, it just is what it is. Tutting that he is "lazing around in bed" until 7am (!) is ridiculous. That's getting up early for most people!

As for the dinners - this isn't the normal complaint we hear where a DP has never picked up a saucepan ever, as you say you normally both cook. Does every single night need a fancy cooked dinner? The nights that he is late at sport, don't make dinner, just each have something quick when you come home - a sandwich, beans on toast, left overs, steamed veggies/salad or a ready meal.

And this one seems obvious but each pack your own gym bags!

I think it's the gesture of if and when he was awake while watching footie in bed or browsing his phone, getting up to make me a cuppa it would mean a lot and he knows that.

I see it the opposite, to me the much nicer gesture would be letting your partner sleep in. Yes I know he's awake but it really feels nice to rest in bed and start the day reading the news or whatever. And I know you can't sleep in but him getting up can't help that.

Why don't you think of leaving him alone in the morning as a gesture for him.

This is to big of a favour to ask honestly. Just put the tea on yourself, it takes seconds.

Just stop making him coffee.

It’s not about the tea, is it. It’s about everything else. You need to sit him down and say you feel unappreciated and that he’s not pulling his weight and it feels as though he doesn’t care for you. But it sounds as though you’ve tried that in the past and haven’t got anywhere. Tbh I’d be rethinking the IVF I’m afraid. It isn’t sounding good.