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AIBU?

To resent DH over something petty.

152 replies

TeaTeaTeanow · 07/03/2019 21:27

I'll try and be succinct. (And fail)
DH works from home. I commute 2 hours a day. No children, but having IVF treatment. Both train regularly, fitness/sport if hugely important to our lifestyle.
I'm knackered due to emotional drain and drugs, DH is too.
I'm up at 6am daily, back home nearly at 7.
Every morning I bring DH a coffee in bed. He doesn't get up until 7/7:30. He has a leisurely start to his day, reads the news in bed etc. but is awake while I generally gulp down tea, while getting ready. 3 nights a week DH has sport commitments, 2 nights home at 8pm, 1 night home at 10/11 (Friday night) So those night I get in a make dinner, prep, sort gym kit. The other nights we both do it.
I have asked him so many times for him to get up and make me tea, he can come straight back to bed and play on his phone. Not once has he done it without an argument.
I know I'm petty and hormonal ..... but for the love of god why can't he see it's important and would send me off to work with a spring in my step.

OP posts:

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Coronapop · 07/03/2019 22:10

LTB

Bohbell · 07/03/2019 22:12

I don’t get the fact either that you want him to get up earlier than you to make you tea. I would not do that if i was him. But i would do other stuff. I dont think this is bothering you. I think you are rsentful of your life and taking it out on him. He is not being any more selfish than any man would be.

WorraLiberty · 07/03/2019 22:13

I can not imagine my DH expecting me to get up an hour and a half earlier than I need to, just to make him a cup of tea so he can go to work with a 'spring in his step'

I'd tell him to shove it up his arse

Having said that, I wouldn't expect him to be bringing me tea in bed either. I'd much rather roll over and go back to sleep.

Ragwort · 07/03/2019 22:19

^^ Of course he is being selfish, thousands of men would get up & get their wife a cup of tea in the morning, esp. as he then has the luxury of going back to bed for an hour or so. You are clearly tired & hormonal going through IVF treatment (Did you both want this?) & your arse of a DP can’t be bothered to make you a cup of tea. I would seriously question why you want to have a baby with him.

coconutpie · 07/03/2019 22:21

So you expect him to get up earlier than he needs to just to make you a cup of tea? YABVU. Make your own bloody tea. I would never dream of demanding my DH get up early just to make me tea. Go make your own, you're up already. You are being completely unreasonable. Does he even want the tea that you make him at that hour?

MirriVan · 07/03/2019 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thedisorganisedmum · 07/03/2019 22:24

I think you are missing the sentence where the OP states the husband is AWAKE and reading the news in bed.

Drogosnextwife · 07/03/2019 22:25

My DP gets up about an hour earlier than me to go to work, I would be utterly pissed off if he expected me to get up before I needed to to make him tea. Also wouldn't expect him to bring me coffee.

Bohbell · 07/03/2019 22:25

I did used to moan at my husband about his lack of tea making activity. He bought me a teasmaid no kidding. Last time we argued about it i had a chest infection a while back and the little bastard got up and left me alone in bed coughing late into the morning on a saturday without even checking if i was ok. I just got up myself to make my own. He does, however, do loads of other things like he will give me a lift anywhere, anytime if i need and he will take me out anywhere i want to go. So, you know, it’s just frickin tea. What nice stuff does your DP do?

Aquamarine1029 · 07/03/2019 22:29

If I were you, I would be very concerned about what his expectations are when you have a child. Does he expect to be doing his sports 3 nights a week while you're home dealing with the baby? He sounds very self-centered.

Drogosnextwife · 07/03/2019 22:30

Also don't martyr yourself with you staying in and cooking dinner and packing gym bags. There is nothing to stop you being out while your DP is out, or any other time for that matter.

MaudeLynne · 07/03/2019 22:31

Swop him for a teasmaid.

Moanymoaner123 · 07/03/2019 22:33

So he already doesn't share the household tasks equally, and can't do little kind things to make your day a bit better. Not good signs at all. Having had DC with a selfish man child, I do not recommend it. I would think long and hard about having a child with this man, because he won't get better once baby arrives he will be worse. He will still be off to the gym 3 times a week when you are exhausted and sleep deprived, he will still leave the household chores to you and you can bet he won't be prioritising you resting after the birth. Maybe some men miraculously become super dads when their babies arrive, but I've never seen it. People don't change, and if you're not happy with the way it is now it isn't likely to get better.

WorraLiberty · 07/03/2019 22:34

I think you are missing the sentence where the OP states the husband is AWAKE and reading the news in bed.

I didn't miss that at all.

It takes 5 minutes for the OP to make herself a cup of tea and she's up and about anyway.

She doesn't have to bring him one, but equally she sounds completely unreasonable to expect him to get up and do it when there's no other reason, than it 'putting a spring in her step'.

MirriVan · 07/03/2019 22:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Takeapolaroid · 07/03/2019 22:39

No Sorry I don’t see why he would have to get Up to make you a cup of tea when you are up first.

Iwrotethissongfor · 07/03/2019 22:44

Absolutely understand even without the IVF complications which must mean you’re under massive emotional and physical strain. You’re both awake, one is lazing in bed and WFH so no commute and ready to start and the other is needing to be out the door - the one WFH reading their phone gets the tea/coffee. No brainer! Weekends you take turns not religiously recording who did what last but just ah dammit I think it’s my turn etc. When are your gym/sports nights of important to you both? It sounds like domestic things are unevenly split is that fair to say? Is he in any other ways kind and thoughtful and helpful?

adaline · 07/03/2019 22:47

I think you are missing the sentence where the OP states the husband is AWAKE and reading the news in bed.

Nope, not missing it at all. I often lie in bed in the morning and mess about on my phone. I still wouldn't want to get out of bed and make someone who was already up and awake a cup of coffee so they could leave for work with a "spring in their step 😂

TokenGinger · 07/03/2019 22:47

I am not a morning person. My DP needs to be up at 6.30am for work. I wake between 7.30am-8.00am. Of course I start to stir when I hear him but I don't get up and out of bed.

If my DP expected me to wake up and get out of bed earlier than I need to in order to get him a drink that he's perfectly capable of making himself, I'd be pretty pissed off to be honest.

My DP also has evening commitments which keep him out late some nights but I don't begrudge making him his evening meal if he hasn't already eaten whilst out.

It sounds like you need to look at your own lifestyle and change some of the things that are making you so knackered. Maybe on your Sunday with him every few weeks you can do a big batch cook so you have healthy meals frozen so relieve some of the pressures of cooking every night.

TokenGinger · 07/03/2019 22:48

P.s. get a timer for your plug for your kettle so it boils for when you wake up, and put your teabag in the cup the night before. Have technology make you your morning tea instead.

adaline · 07/03/2019 22:49

You’re both awake, one is lazing in bed and WFH so no commute and ready to start and the other is needing to be out the door - the one WFH reading their phone gets the tea/coffee. No brainer!

Totally disagree. He's only awake because OP has woken him by showering and getting ready. If she's up and about and wants tea she can get it herself!

I wonder what the responses would be if a man was up early and expected his wife to get out of bed over an hour earlier than she needed to to make him tea so he could leave for work happy?

OrigamiZoo · 07/03/2019 22:50

I think it is a balance, what does he do for you that might be the equivalent? For me, it would be tea and toast on a Sunday with the papers?

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pallisers · 07/03/2019 22:52

OP wants him to be kind to her and show her that he loves her and values her by making her a cup of tea.

He doesn't want to do it - could be because he is selfish or doesn't do kindness or doesn't really value her or could be because the cup of tea argument is annoying him and he is kind in other ways.

I'd say stop making him coffee but who wants to live in a marriage like that with no room for small acts of kindness?

I don't know, OP. I think you should try to talk to him about what it means to you to have him mind you in some small way and see if he gets it. It will get worse not better after children. It works best when both of you want to be nice to the other, both of you want to do your fair share and not make the other one take the majority of the load.

Butterymuffin · 07/03/2019 22:53

I can't imagine this would be a major issue if you felt he did other things to look after you and make you feel cherished. Am I right? Does he do other little things (and preferably also some big ones) to cheer you up, help you out, make you feel good? Or is this one of those 'straw that broke the camel's back' moments where you've realised you do those things for him but he doesn't reciprocate?

WorraLiberty · 07/03/2019 22:53

'Lazing in bed'??

It's only 6 o' clock in the morning!

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