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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - MIL at our house

159 replies

FTMF30 · 17/02/2019 07:49

So me and DH have a baby together (our first child).
His mum (My MIL) comes to visit us occassionaly and the visits are nice enough. She's a nice lady. However, I can't shake a feeling of angered annoyance at my DH for the following scenario:
Yesterday morning, we both knew MIL would be coming but we both were tired AF so didn't really tidy up. The front room and kitchen we're in a reasonable state so we thought it would be fine. The bedrooms were an absolute tip but no worry there, as there's no reason for her to be going into any of our rooms. Fast forward to the actual visit and I pop to the supermarket to get a few bits. I leave him with his mum downstairs and baby napping in our bedroom. I come back and his mum is sat downstairs by herself, DH is upstairs supposedly waking the baby. However, I manage to unpack the whole shopping and put lunch on whilst he's still upstairs. I come out of the kitchen to find his mum has joined him in our bedroom. I'm MORTIFIED. I have bras on the floor and everything is just a mess in there.
I'm really angry that MIL just went into our bedroom ( I personally think that's a bit cheeky) and I'm also annoyed that DH let her. Even worse, they stayed there for quite a while playing with the baby. I was dying of embarrassment. I feel DH should have been quicker with waking the baby and bringing him down and set boundaries with his mum. Am I right to feel like this? I feel like everything he does pisses me off lately and I can't tell if it's my sheer exhaustion from having a small baby or it's genuinely him so long me up.
I bought up the incident with him and he was very defensive and non apologetic about it.

OP posts:

LadyMinerva · 17/02/2019 07:54

I wouldn't stress too much. Unless MIL is the type that normally makes snarky comments. She was the mother of a newborn once and knows how exhausting it is. If you had gone in and she was tutt tutting about the mess or cleaning up then you would be justified, but she was playing with the baby and probably oblivious to her surroundings.

DH probably didn't think (do they ever?!), and now that he knows he hopefully won't do it again.

KM99 · 17/02/2019 07:54

I think it's probably a bit of both. I'm a very private person and hate anyone coming into my bedroom (aside from DH and DS) without knocking/invitation. My MIL ran a house where bedrooms doors are always open, people just walk in without knocking.

However you are no doubt feeling more sensitive than normal. When DS was a baby I was like that, much more irritable and emotional. It's possible your DH is too.

Maybe sit down, have a nice chat and explain you have boundaries that are important to you.

BertrandRussell · 17/02/2019 07:58

But it’s not just your bedroom, is it? She went in with your dp to see the baby.

ChasedByBees · 17/02/2019 08:05

It’s your DP’s house too. It sounds like they just went up for the baby. Don’t worry, if she’s as nice as you say then she will know you can’t be tidy with a new baby.

C1rrus · 17/02/2019 08:06

I'd be exasperated with my partner, and say something like, "I'm so sorry Anita! DP, why did you let Anita come in here with it looking like this?! Your poor mum!".

positivepixie · 17/02/2019 08:07

I don't think it was unreasonable that MIL made her way upstairs to see her son and the baby unless she was specifically told to stay where she was. If it was my MIL I would've been really conscious of it too and probably would've said 'oh my, I'm mortified at the state of the bedroom!' when she came down and she'd have said 'Don't be silly, you've got enough on your plate' type of thing. No need to get too upset.

Amanduh · 17/02/2019 08:14

You are being absolutely ridiculous. She didn’t just go in to your bedroom, she went to see her son and tha baby. Get a grip

BertrandRussell · 17/02/2019 08:15

“unless she was specifically told to stay where she was.”

Is she a Labrador?

SheRasBra · 17/02/2019 08:15

Is it possible she thought her son was struggling to get the baby up and changed and just went up to see if he needed help?

I wouldn't let it get to you. It's none of her business if your bedroom is messy and she seemingly didn't comment so I would let it go.

CoolJule43 · 17/02/2019 08:16

I agree with positivepixie but can't help but wonder why you have bras on the floor

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/02/2019 08:18

I had MIL staying at my house over the period of DS1's birth, for various reasons.

At no point was she welcome in my bedroom, regardless. And, to be fair, at no point did she attempt to come into my bedroom.

So IMO YANBU - if you can't have ONE room in your house that is safe from prying eyes of relatives, then that's what is ridiculous.

Who gives a flying fuck if it's also DH's room - they should both have remember that it's also OP's room and she should have the right to keep it private from external people!

And yes, your DH should have got the baby up quicker.

But the bit about being angry with him all the time, that's relatively normal at this stage of new-babydom. It will wear off as the baby sleeps better and you get more sleep yourself.

trancepants · 17/02/2019 08:21

So you both just left the woman sitting alone in the front room for quite a long time? That was pretty rude tbh. And you’re upset that she decided to join her son and gc in another room after being left alone for ages?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 17/02/2019 08:21

Why bras on the floor?

Cos that's where the bony fuckers fall when you desperately drag them off through your sleeves without getting undressed.

That's where they live!

LilaJude · 17/02/2019 08:23

I would have been annoyed about this too, but your MIL would have to be a real dick to judge new parents for having a messy bedroom. When you’ve both had time to cool off try explaining to him that in future you don’t want her upstairs if it’s messy, even if he think she wouldn’t judge you for it.

Whereareyouspot · 17/02/2019 08:26

I can see why you are upset- you are embarrassed mainly.
Can you maybe just decide together to have a big clean up and then start just putting your stuff away as you use it? I’ve had babies and yet never thrown my bras and dirty clothes on the floor. Why is hard to just out stuff away as you go along?

Your MIL sounds a nice type so whilst she may be thinking oof what a mess she will get that a newborn is a bit all consuming and not judge you for it.

My mum has followed me into my bedroom when I’ve been chatting to her if she is over and now I think about it she has done ironing for me and laid it on my bed in a pile. DH has never said anything if it bothers him.

Your DH perhaps wasn’t as bothered about it as you do didn’t think to usher her out.

And I can see why your MIL went up if she had been left alone downstairs for ages whilst you were out and then preparing lunch and he was upstairs. Maybe offering to help you with lunch would have been better but I suppose she came to see the baby.

Why don’t you text MIL and say ‘thanks for your visit- I’m a bit embarrassed about the mess in our bedroom which I wasn’t expecting you to see but we have been shattered lately with the baby and I wasn’t expecting you to go in there. See you next week etc etc’

Yes I know people will say your room and no need to apologise but I do think living in a complete mess with shit on the floor is a bit poor.

anniehm · 17/02/2019 08:28

Don't worry - she'll see you as busy parents. If you are really lucky she will do what my mum did at that stage, ask for the marigolds and start cleaning!

ivykaty44 · 17/02/2019 08:29

You’ve just had a baby and MIL didn’t help with unpacking the shopping 😮

Cremeeggsareforever · 17/02/2019 08:33

I think YABU. Unless she came downstairs talking about what a tip your room was, then don't worry.

BertrandRussell · 17/02/2019 08:33

“If you are really lucky she will do what my mum did at that stage, ask for the marigolds and start cleaning!“
If she does that, the Mumsnet advice will be to go no contact immediately!

curiousierandcouriser · 17/02/2019 08:35

I wouldnt be too bothered about it really and it doesnt sound like your MIL did anything wrong. Its more your DH's fault for letting her up there. I would just have a talk with him about not inviting people to the bedroom when its messy.

Biancadelrioisback · 17/02/2019 08:38

My MIL used to practically barge her way to wherever DS was (still does to some extent) she literally had no idea if my house was show house tidy or messy beyond belief. She's like an excitable puppy when it comes to DS and I know she means no harm. But she has sat on one of my bras which I accidentally left on the sofa...it just happens.

Kintan · 17/02/2019 08:39

Surely it’s your partner’s bedroom too, and so he can let his mum be in there if he wants to?

Singlenotsingle · 17/02/2019 08:39

MIL is family! She went upstairs to help, not to criticize! When I visit ddil she's happy for me to go upstairs to the DC's bedrooms and she leaves her bedroom door open. And yes it's usually a mess, but so what? So's mine!

Bluetrews25 · 17/02/2019 08:40

Waking the baby up ????

Gligeen · 17/02/2019 08:40

You’ve just had a baby and you’re exhausted.
Of course your bedroom is a mess you’ve just had a baby! You’re blowing this out of proportion

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