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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - MIL at our house

159 replies

FTMF30 · 17/02/2019 07:49

So me and DH have a baby together (our first child).
His mum (My MIL) comes to visit us occassionaly and the visits are nice enough. She's a nice lady. However, I can't shake a feeling of angered annoyance at my DH for the following scenario:
Yesterday morning, we both knew MIL would be coming but we both were tired AF so didn't really tidy up. The front room and kitchen we're in a reasonable state so we thought it would be fine. The bedrooms were an absolute tip but no worry there, as there's no reason for her to be going into any of our rooms. Fast forward to the actual visit and I pop to the supermarket to get a few bits. I leave him with his mum downstairs and baby napping in our bedroom. I come back and his mum is sat downstairs by herself, DH is upstairs supposedly waking the baby. However, I manage to unpack the whole shopping and put lunch on whilst he's still upstairs. I come out of the kitchen to find his mum has joined him in our bedroom. I'm MORTIFIED. I have bras on the floor and everything is just a mess in there.
I'm really angry that MIL just went into our bedroom ( I personally think that's a bit cheeky) and I'm also annoyed that DH let her. Even worse, they stayed there for quite a while playing with the baby. I was dying of embarrassment. I feel DH should have been quicker with waking the baby and bringing him down and set boundaries with his mum. Am I right to feel like this? I feel like everything he does pisses me off lately and I can't tell if it's my sheer exhaustion from having a small baby or it's genuinely him so long me up.
I bought up the incident with him and he was very defensive and non apologetic about it.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 17/02/2019 09:21

"Why are you mortified, Op?
Is the mess in the house solely your responsibility?"

I was going to say this.

Don't feel that you are responsible for the mess, or not having time to clear anything of yours.

Your Mil and DH doesn't see the issue, it's a one off. They probably thought it best to leave you to do the unpacking. Does your Baby want you as soon as s/he sees you?

It is exhaustion, why you're so pissed off with him.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 17/02/2019 09:23

Honestly I think you’re way overreacting. She’s nice, you like her, why all the drama.

BertrandRussell · 17/02/2019 09:24

“I have to say as a mother with a son my heart sinks a bit when I see women on MN declare "she's a nice lady" and other 'meh' comments about their MIL”

That’s how I feel about mine. She’s a perfectly nice woman-and i’m sure that’s how she feels about me.But neither my dp nor my children feel like that about her. They love her and she loves them, and those are her primary relationships in our family. She and I are cordial to each other's. Can’t see a problem with that.

Janecon · 17/02/2019 09:27

I can understand why you feel embarrassed but don't worry about it. You say she's a nice woman.

Why was your DH upstairs for so long?

WinterWife · 17/02/2019 09:33

In any case, even if the bedroom was tidy, I think I would have felt a little weird about her being in my room. It's just my personality type I guess.

You've hit the nail on the head OP.
Personally it wouldn't bother me if family members came upstairs into our bedroom but I know it would bother other people.
Just different peoples likes/dislikes.

If she's anything like my mother she probably didn't realise the mess as she was too engrossed in her grandchild. Sounds like you have a lovely relationship with her which is nice to read on here for once.
All the very best to you and your family OP.

flumpybear · 17/02/2019 09:34

I'd feel mortified but because of my MIL and and attitude - she's ruthlessly hideous if we're untidy ... your standards aren't as high as mine is her standard response if i mention the untidy house ... saying that she'd moan even if the cleaners have been in that day 🤬
I'd say just don't worry and enjoy your babysat for your husband and feeling annoyed st things - this is normal, you're tired it's normal ... it'll change soon enough

JennieLee · 17/02/2019 09:36

How do very houseproud people manage when they have small babies?

Especially if they don't like other people 'interfering' - by offering help.

It does all sound very tense.

I was also a bit confused about the 'waking the baby' thing. It tends to be easier if you let them sleep...

I don't mean to get at the OP, who is clearly trying to find a way through all the upheavals. The question is more general.

Aridane · 17/02/2019 09:50

YABU - her son took her there to see the baby, she wasn't surreptitiously snooping

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/02/2019 09:50

I'm getting a bit pissed off about the "it's your DH's bedroom too" - so fucking WHAT??

As I said, it is the OP's bedroom too - it's not like they're living at MIL's house in her DH's old bedroom there, is it. It's their own fucking house - the OP should be able to have some privacy in her own fucking house!

Typical "back down, do the polite thing, let the MAN's rights overrule your own" sort of thing.

No. The MIL should not have gone into the OP's bedroom, regardless of whether it is also the DH's bedroom. She had no right to override the OP's privacy like that, EVEN THOUGH it is also his bedroom.

And yes, the MIL could have offered the OP a hand with putting shopping away, prepping dinner, or shouted up the stairs to the DH to hurry up. Not gone up there and stayed up there with the DH and the baby.

pictish · 17/02/2019 09:52

“Typical "back down, do the polite thing, let the MAN's rights overrule your own" sort of thing.“

Fuck off is it anything to do with that!

Quartz2208 · 17/02/2019 09:57

I have to say I think this might a case you overreacted

See it from her point of view she was chatting to you but you then started making lunch. She wasn’t sure what to do so went to see her son who said come in and spend time with your grandchild. The OPs privacy was probably never thought off

The first few weeks are chaotic it gets easier to get a routine to avoid these things happening (such as going to a supermarket during a visit)

And she probably found asking her son is he wanted help easier than the OP

winsinbin · 17/02/2019 09:58

Your DP knows his mum and her standards and expectations. If he was fine with her coming into his bedroom then presumably he knew she wouldn’t be judgy about it. For all we know her own room could be as messy.

Also, if she is anything like the granny I hope to be one day there could be unicorns and wildebeest roaming the room and she will only have eyes for the baby.

BertrandRussell · 17/02/2019 09:58

It is actually possible for a dil to be in the wrong, you know. Always worth considering!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/02/2019 10:00

pictish - it IS though, in many of these responses! It's all about it being ok because it's HIS bedroom, never mind the fact that it's also the OP's bedroom and she's mortified - no no, that doesn't matter in the slightest, because it's HIS bedroom too.

nah.

JennieLee · 17/02/2019 10:02

Is there a correlation between those who think a bedroom is private space and those who also think a kitchen is private space.

Somealso people don't like others being around when they put shopping away or cook.

Visitors and/or relatives have this tendency to ask questions about where things go, using the 'wrong' knife, not observing hygiene protocols - many Mumsnetters are very strict about this. Alternatively they may notice that the kitchen is not immaculate and say terrible things like, 'Would you like me to throw away these left overs in the fridge. The ones with white fluffy mould on?'

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 17/02/2019 10:05

I cant get past the waking the baby up bit...who does that?! Let the baby sleep its often the only rest parents get! OP I know you are cross but its just one of those things dont worry bet your mum in law really wont give too chuffs.Its a really stressful time in the early days just enjoy your baby and when you feel ready you can get on top of things again,

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/02/2019 10:07

Not for me, JennieLee - kitchen is public access, anyone can come in there. Bedroom - invitation only.

RestingBitchFaced · 17/02/2019 10:15

I don't understand why you were waking the baby up at all? No wonder your both so tired

BertrandRussell · 17/02/2019 10:25

Sounds as if he didn’t wake the baby-maybe that’s why grandma went up to do a bit of baby worship with her son.

Quartz2208 · 17/02/2019 10:33

OP you need to stop being really angry with your MIL she didn’t do anything wrong, bedroom are by invitation only and presumably she was oked in by her son

That aside you need to think about a routine in place stop waking the baby and not going to the supermarket when you have guests you said for her to come at a prearranged time. The sheer exhaustion will pass and it is that that is causing it

HotpotLawyer · 17/02/2019 10:33

Close family members (.g my own mother, his own mother) are not expected to maintain formal boundaries in our house.

I may well feel embarrassed by the state of my bedroom, but that’s my problem.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 17/02/2019 10:51

Her son invited her into his bedroom thumbwitch.

JennieLee · 17/02/2019 10:54

If the mother in law has a car I'm sure she'd be happy to help by picking up groceries en route.

It's the sort of thing family members will do for each other especially at busy times.

Waveysnail · 17/02/2019 10:54

You said she's lovely. I wouldn't stress.

LetsSplashMummy · 17/02/2019 11:05

You are expecting everyone to think the way you do, you didn't say to DH to keep his mum out of the mess, so it wouldn't occur to him. You are wrong to get angry at him for having a different opinion (especially when his opinion only leads to his mum and his baby playing on his bed). I think he is right not to apologise.

It doesn't sound like anyone is judging you, except you. I was still in a dressing gown for one of my midwife visits and she said "it's people with spotless houses and a newborn we worry about." You need to just enjoy the baby and not worry.