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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - MIL at our house

159 replies

FTMF30 · 17/02/2019 07:49

So me and DH have a baby together (our first child).
His mum (My MIL) comes to visit us occassionaly and the visits are nice enough. She's a nice lady. However, I can't shake a feeling of angered annoyance at my DH for the following scenario:
Yesterday morning, we both knew MIL would be coming but we both were tired AF so didn't really tidy up. The front room and kitchen we're in a reasonable state so we thought it would be fine. The bedrooms were an absolute tip but no worry there, as there's no reason for her to be going into any of our rooms. Fast forward to the actual visit and I pop to the supermarket to get a few bits. I leave him with his mum downstairs and baby napping in our bedroom. I come back and his mum is sat downstairs by herself, DH is upstairs supposedly waking the baby. However, I manage to unpack the whole shopping and put lunch on whilst he's still upstairs. I come out of the kitchen to find his mum has joined him in our bedroom. I'm MORTIFIED. I have bras on the floor and everything is just a mess in there.
I'm really angry that MIL just went into our bedroom ( I personally think that's a bit cheeky) and I'm also annoyed that DH let her. Even worse, they stayed there for quite a while playing with the baby. I was dying of embarrassment. I feel DH should have been quicker with waking the baby and bringing him down and set boundaries with his mum. Am I right to feel like this? I feel like everything he does pisses me off lately and I can't tell if it's my sheer exhaustion from having a small baby or it's genuinely him so long me up.
I bought up the incident with him and he was very defensive and non apologetic about it.

OP posts:
BlahXXBlah · 18/02/2019 20:54

DH is upstairs supposedly waking the baby

???

Snowmaggedon · 18/02/2019 20:55

OP I totally understand your embarrasment. But if she's a nice lady do not give it another moments thought.

You see contrary to what pitsch said my mil would happily sacrifice relations by being a total bitch about mess. And going wildly over the top about it and..... certainly not blaming DH because it's women's work

MRex · 18/02/2019 20:57

@chillpizza - "lost your shit"! Do you usually over-react so dramatically? Most people don't have your hang-ups, you can't expect anyone to guess at yours. Your poor MIL.

NotBeforeCoffee · 18/02/2019 20:58

MILs have a way of getting to you at this time.
Yours saw your bra on the floor, mine burst through the door whilst I was being induced and saw my actual vagina. And I could go on to list the other infringements of privacy/annoying comments which really upset me at the time...

In about six months time you’ll look back and wonder why this bothered you at all.
Same goes with DH

Don’t worry about it, enjoy your baby and don’t forget to look after yourself

chillpizza · 18/02/2019 21:02

If my mil went into my bedroom yes. That’s my private space space. I wouldn’t walk into hers. Just like I wouldn’t walk into anyone’s bedroom uninvited apart from my pre teenage children’s and even then it’s because they want me to tidy up. Bedrooms are private spaces my living room can be show home ready my Bedroom is my retreat and Space that is not appropriate for anyone but myself and dh.

Yb23487643 · 18/02/2019 21:07

Mil knob because

  1. thought waking a baby was ok - no that’s massively selfish!!!
  2. didn’t give a hoot about invading someone personal space without asking - massively selfish!!
And little idea of boundaries. My idea of a knob anyway
Yb23487643 · 18/02/2019 21:09

I would have a bit of a black mark against her name now & not trust her to be left alone. She’s shown true colours of selfishness & intrusion in a relatively mild way but I’d def be aware not give her opportunity to intrude or take the Micky in the future.

MRex · 18/02/2019 22:03

Wow. Some of you really need to get a fucking grip on your reactions. You should try to save getting over-excited for actual problems or the anxiety will break you.

BertrandRussell · 18/02/2019 22:15

“Mil knob because

  1. thought waking a baby was ok - no that’s massively selfish!!!
  2. didn’t give a hoot about invading someone personal space without asking - massively selfish!!
And little idea of boundaries. My idea of a knob anyway”

Ah. You haven’t actually read the thread. Thought not.

happymum12345 · 18/02/2019 22:31

I know just how you feel! You’ve told your dh how you feel, so hopefully it won’t happen again. Having a baby/toddler/child/teenager is exhausting!!

manicmij · 18/02/2019 23:15

For goodness sake, it was a bit of mess in a bedroom. DH also shares room presumably so his room too. It's not the end of the world. Forget it, relax and enjoy your baby.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 18/02/2019 23:20

Mil knob because
1. thought waking a baby was ok - no that’s massively selfish!!!
2. didn’t give a hoot about invading
someone personal space without asking - massively selfish!!
And little idea of boundaries. My idea of a knob anyway

Yep someone’s a knob here and it isn’t MIL.

Rattleandhum · 18/02/2019 23:28

My mil actively trawls through our drawers, cupboards and bedroom things when we are on holiday. You’ve got off lightly! 😂

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 18/02/2019 23:32

My mil actively trawls through our drawers, cupboards and bedroom things when we are on holiday

What! That’s awful. Why does she have a key?

BertrandRussell · 18/02/2019 23:38

“My mil actively trawls through our drawers, cupboards and bedroom things when we are on holiday. You’ve got off lightly!”

That’s horrible. But absolutely nothing to do with the OP!

Sillybilly1234 · 18/02/2019 23:48

My MIL went upstairs while I was at work once and made my bed. I was livid.

She was supposed to be letting the dogs out. There was no reason at all for her to go upstairs.

I'm getting cross just thinking about it.

AlexaAmbidextra · 18/02/2019 23:51

I would have a bit of a black mark against her name now & not trust her to be left alone. She’s shown true colours of selfishness & intrusion in a relatively mild way but I’d def be aware not give her opportunity to intrude or take the Micky in the future.

Jesus! Some of these responses are fucking unhinged.

Rattleandhum · 18/02/2019 23:53

When we are on hols yes, she comes in to feed our guinea pigs and noses around. She doesn’t think we know, I’ve set traps. My dh doesn’t seem to care and won’t say anything but we are looking likely to divorce anyway no fucking wonder

BackforGood · 19/02/2019 00:06

Yb - you might want to try reading the facts that OP posted. It was dh that chose to wake the baby. MiL was downstairs for the first 15mins or so I'm guessing actual time from what the OP said happened while she was home, and dh was already upstairs before she got home).
She’s shown true colours of selfishness.... by sitting in the living room whilst her son went to get the baby up, then going to check if h was ok / needed any help when he didn't come down in what must have amounted to 5x the amount of time you'd have expected him. How, exactly, does that translate to 'selfishness' ? Confused
didn’t give a hoot about invading someone personal space without asking - how, exactly do you know what she said to her ds, when she was on the stairs or on the landing ?? Confused

RattleandHum - all very odd, but what has this got to do with the OP ? Come to that, why would you let someone with boundary issues have a key to your home ?

I agree that the response by some posters are completely bonkers, and completely out of proportion.

CSIblonde · 19/02/2019 00:59

I think you are worrying too much. As you say, downstairs was acceptable. If she's as nice as you say, then she knows adjusting to a new baby means it's not going to be show house level tidy 24/7.

SilverBirchTree · 19/02/2019 04:39

Wait- 'waking the baby'?!?!?

Why was your husband waking a sleeping baby?

I wouldn't be wild about my MIL going into my bedroom either but I don't think it's worth getting angry over.

MIL get so excited about the baby they forgot themselves and do things they normally wouldn't.

DeniseRoyal · 19/02/2019 08:02

BlueMerchant you sound crazy. Your MIL tried to do a kind thing by cleaning and doing laundry, so you could come home to a nice tidy house with your new baby,and that pissed you off? Fucks sake 🙄 my MIL does this when she stays to watch my DD when me and DP are at work, and it makes me love her more every time.

Original poster
FTMF30 · 19/02/2019 08:36

Wow, so many more responses than I expected.

Just to clarify a few things.

  1. I had mild annoyance at my MIL for going into our bedroom but the anger is at my DH for a)taking so fucking long upstairs and b) remaining in the room once his mum had come up. He also knows we don't have guests in our room and we also joked it would be a good job no one would be coming into the bedroom as it's a tip. I just don't understand his mode of operation sometimes.
  2. This may lose me some sympathy but DS is 7 months, not new born. However, we've had a series of non-serious challenges, some still on going, some only recently resolved (e.g tongue tie, reflux, colic, dairy allergy). DH has only very recently slept on his own in his cot and only just adjusted to being put down for a few minutrs. This, along with some setbacks we've recently had has knackered us.
  3. Yes, DH did wake the baby as we've settled him into a routine which had been disrupted. The plan was to get him settled for his nap just before MIL arrived. We could have a decent chat then DS could join. However, MIL arrived a little earlier than expected so DS got a little too excited and wouldn't go to sleep until 2hrs after his aimed for naptime. There's usually a little leeway but, with it being over 2hrs late, it would have had a knock on effect if we let him sleep for too long, so I agree with DH waking him.
  4. I don't understand the reasoning that it's DH's room too negating the fact that it is also my room. When you share something with someone, you share decisions about that possession and consider the other person's feeling. If something bothers the other person but the other feels indifferent, you'd go with the option that would not bother the first person.
  5. Ididnt intend to portray MIL as a some kind of knob. She's really not but I just didn't want her in our bedroom, especially in the state it's in.
OP posts:
RiverTam · 19/02/2019 09:04

his 'mode of operation' is that he doesn't view his mum as a guest as such and thus doesn't have an issue with her seeing a messy bedroom - she'll have seen his teenaged bedroom in a far worse state, I'm sure!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 19/02/2019 09:09

She’s not a guest. She’s your husbands mother.