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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - MIL at our house

159 replies

FTMF30 · 17/02/2019 07:49

So me and DH have a baby together (our first child).
His mum (My MIL) comes to visit us occassionaly and the visits are nice enough. She's a nice lady. However, I can't shake a feeling of angered annoyance at my DH for the following scenario:
Yesterday morning, we both knew MIL would be coming but we both were tired AF so didn't really tidy up. The front room and kitchen we're in a reasonable state so we thought it would be fine. The bedrooms were an absolute tip but no worry there, as there's no reason for her to be going into any of our rooms. Fast forward to the actual visit and I pop to the supermarket to get a few bits. I leave him with his mum downstairs and baby napping in our bedroom. I come back and his mum is sat downstairs by herself, DH is upstairs supposedly waking the baby. However, I manage to unpack the whole shopping and put lunch on whilst he's still upstairs. I come out of the kitchen to find his mum has joined him in our bedroom. I'm MORTIFIED. I have bras on the floor and everything is just a mess in there.
I'm really angry that MIL just went into our bedroom ( I personally think that's a bit cheeky) and I'm also annoyed that DH let her. Even worse, they stayed there for quite a while playing with the baby. I was dying of embarrassment. I feel DH should have been quicker with waking the baby and bringing him down and set boundaries with his mum. Am I right to feel like this? I feel like everything he does pisses me off lately and I can't tell if it's my sheer exhaustion from having a small baby or it's genuinely him so long me up.
I bought up the incident with him and he was very defensive and non apologetic about it.

OP posts:

pictish · 17/02/2019 08:44

Your mil’s focus is her son and grandchild. Please don’t make her visits about power play over trivial things. I have had a similar situation happen to me a couple of times and while I was mortified at being revealed as a terrible housekeeper, I also appreciated it was my problem. Dh and I are both responsible for the housework and so I could compartmentalise and justify it as him being every bit as responsible for the mess...and that she probably didn’t give a shit anyway beyond an inner tut.
It was nothing I felt compelled to create shit about. Good relations are more important than airing petty gripes.
It’s her son’s home...she probably assumed it was fine to talk to him in his bedroom.

Playmytune · 17/02/2019 08:44

Your mil probably felt a bit awkward and forgotten about, being sat in your front room. Your dh left her alone and then you came back and virtually ignored her! Yes I know you were busy, but couldn't you have either popped back to speak to her, or ask her to come through to the kitchen while you were unpacking and putting lunch on?
Maybe she shouldn’t have went up to your bedroom, but it’s not nice being made to feel like a spare part, so cut her some slack this time.

TheJobNeverEnded · 17/02/2019 08:45

I think the big issue here is how you live your life when no-one is watching and how you live it when someone is. ie messy vs tidy. Most of us do not have homes that are visitor ready at a moments notice. It is mortifying for our houses to be seen unready.

Bedrooms are personal spaces. I found it really weirded me out when my best friend came into my bedroom in the morning when me, Dh and our two boys (secondary age) were all in our bed chatting. It felt like she was intruding. I felt naked even though I wasn't.

I have been to my mate's house post-baby and literally went in with a what can I do for you attitude, this included stripping her bed with a blood stained sheet, going to the shops for food, making her lunch etc. She was knee deep in PND and I went to help her.

I do get that your Dh doesn't get it. My Dh doesn't realise I am being secretly judged by FIL whose lovely wife was an incredibly tidy SAHM.

AnnaMagnani · 17/02/2019 08:48

FFS I've never had a baby and my bras routinely live on the floor.

It's fine, nobody died.

I agree, having shit on the floor would be poor, but bras no.

diddl · 17/02/2019 08:49

Why are you mortified, Op?

Is the mess in the house solely your responsibility?

AuntieCJ · 17/02/2019 08:51

YABU. Your MiL was there to help and won't give a damn about the mess. She's been there. Don't worry about it.

Cranky17 · 17/02/2019 08:52

She just probably felt a bit awkward sat on the sofa not doing anything and didn’t really know what to do.
I think you are making something big out of nothing.
She’s family, and it’s just a bra.
Dot sweat the small stuff.

BlueMerchant · 17/02/2019 08:53

I would not be happy either.
After giving birth I returned home to find out my partner had given his mother a key and she had been cleaning our home.( It wasn't dirty) It felt like an invasion of privacy and like I was being judged. I nearly exploded when I found out he had given her our dirty washing. Why didn't he just put it in the machine!! Apparently she'd asked for it.
I would be talking boundaries.

Vulpine · 17/02/2019 08:54

I don't go in mil's room when I visit, sure as hell don't want her in mine.

user1493413286 · 17/02/2019 08:56

I really wouldn’t worry; if she’s a nice woman she won’t care. As it’s his mum he probably just didn’t think about it.

Itssosunnyout · 17/02/2019 08:57

Yanbu but your DH is in the wrong. He should have said bedroom was out of limits.

And tbh its not mil house to just go upstairs regardless of if baby is there.

Yes its you and your partners room but you don't want others in your room and you both knew the room was a mess. Ive used my room as a dumping ground on the early days as my room is always out of limits. I have had to speak to in laws and my parents that they can't just come up too

LordVoldetort · 17/02/2019 08:58

Meh, I couldn’t get worked up about it. My MIL house is like show home tidy and my house is like skip untidy but my MIL comes round to see us, not inspect my house.

Yours didn’t go upstairs to judge you, she went up to see her son and her grandchild, even if she did raise an eyebrow about the mess she would have got over it

JennieLee · 17/02/2019 09:02

I think life changes after you have a baby. Ideally you relax your standards a bit. What matters is that the baby flourishes and that you get enough rest and sleep to cope with all the upheavals.

I am not sure that personal space exists quite so much as a new parent. Certainly babies don't have this concept.

If you prefer not to have other family members in your room, then by all means suggest people move elsewhere. (And ask your partner to do the same if you're not around.)

But it would be good if the incident didn't upset you as much as it clearly has done.

GreenTulips · 17/02/2019 09:03

I also dislike people coming into my room.

Tell DH that it isn’t about MIL as such but how you feel and how it impacts you.

Yulebealrite · 17/02/2019 09:05

You have a dh problem rather than a mil problem. Just train him to allow access to tidy areas only. Or even better - train him to tidy up especially before visitors

GreenTulips · 17/02/2019 09:05

Those saying MIL didn’t care/notice etc

It’s not about MIL it’s about how OP feels same as PP who’s MIL came to clean.

Why would you do something you knew your wife didn’t like

pictish · 17/02/2019 09:09

Yes...it’s all about OP. No one else matters at all, certainly not dh’s opinion. Why would you do anything other than follow your wife’s agenda?

BertrandRussell · 17/02/2019 09:10

Is it remotely possible that it’s not a mil problem or a dp problem, but an op problem?

pictish · 17/02/2019 09:12

Not possible Bert.

Bluntness100 · 17/02/2019 09:13

I also think you're just embarrassed.

It sounds like she was sat there alone for quite a while, so went up stairs to see what her son was doing with thr baby, once she'd entered the room, then the damage was done, what was your partner supposed to do, usher her out, she'd already seen by that point.

So I'm not really sure anyone was unreasonable here, other than the way it worked out she was sat there on her own for an extended period.

JenniferJareau · 17/02/2019 09:15

Is she a Labrador?

😂😂😂

Original poster

FTMF30 · 17/02/2019 09:16

Thanks for your answers all.

Like I said, MIL is a nice woman but it's still embarrassing to have a visitor in a personal room that looks like a bomb site.

To add a but of further info, I didn't just leave MIL when I returned from shopping. I went through to the kitchen, which is connected to the living room (No hallway inbetween) and I was semi-chatting to her whilst I unpacked. But then I got caught up in getting lunch on as it was already past 2pm so I thought the poor woman must be starved. It went quiet for a while and when I popped my head round the door, she'd gone upstairs.

I appreciate the advice about just openly saying how embarrassed I was to MIL though. Will def do that in the future. She's an understanding person. It's just, as a first time mum, I just feel like everything I do is judge and like I can't manage as I'm so inexperienced. In any case, even if the bedroom was tidy, I think I would have felt a little weird about her being in my room. It's just my personality type I guess.

OP posts:

GunpowderGelatine · 17/02/2019 09:17

I feel like everything he does pisses me off lately and I can't tell if it's my sheer exhaustion from having a small baby or it's genuinely him so long me up.

This is normal when you have a small child. But why on earth would you wake a sleeping baby?!

I have to say as a mother with a son my heart sinks a bit when I see women on MN declare "she's a nice lady" and other 'meh' comments about their MIL as if she's no more important or relevant than the next door neighbour. That's your DH's mum, she won't give a toss that your bras were on the floor, he's allowed to have a say in how she moves about the house

GunpowderGelatine · 17/02/2019 09:19

And trust me when I say that a helpful MIL reaps it's on rewards in the future when baby sleeps better and you're both ready for a date night. My mum just gawps at my children, she probably wouldn't help me i they were on fire. Luckily MIL is the opposite

pictish · 17/02/2019 09:20

I don’t even think the OP is being all that unreasonable. I can understand why she feels as she does...but it’s not a case of her dh or mil being in the wrong is it?
Options in order of preference:

Sack it off as nothing to lose sleep over and don’t give it another thought.
Tidy bedroom together so she can pop up without it being an issue.
Tell mil she can’t go in the bedroom to talk to dh or baby.
Make dh tell his mum she can’t come in his bedroom to talk to him or baby.

Imo.

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