AIBU - MIL at our house

[FTMF30]

So me and DH have a baby together (our first child).
His mum (My MIL) comes to visit us occassionaly and the visits are nice enough. She's a nice lady. However, I can't shake a feeling of angered annoyance at my DH for the following scenario:
Yesterday morning, we both knew MIL would be coming but we both were tired AF so didn't really tidy up. The front room and kitchen we're in a reasonable state so we thought it would be fine. The bedrooms were an absolute tip but no worry there, as there's no reason for her to be going into any of our rooms. Fast forward to the actual visit and I pop to the supermarket to get a few bits. I leave him with his mum downstairs and baby napping in our bedroom. I come back and his mum is sat downstairs by herself, DH is upstairs supposedly waking the baby. However, I manage to unpack the whole shopping and put lunch on whilst he's still upstairs. I come out of the kitchen to find his mum has joined him in our bedroom. I'm MORTIFIED. I have bras on the floor and everything is just a mess in there.
I'm really angry that MIL just went into our bedroom ( I personally think that's a bit cheeky) and I'm also annoyed that DH let her. Even worse, they stayed there for quite a while playing with the baby. I was dying of embarrassment. I feel DH should have been quicker with waking the baby and bringing him down and set boundaries with his mum. Am I right to feel like this? I feel like everything he does pisses me off lately and I can't tell if it's my sheer exhaustion from having a small baby or it's genuinely him so long me up.
I bought up the incident with him and he was very defensive and non apologetic about it.

If my partner said I couldn’t take my mother into our bedroom to look at a baby or a dress or the new curtains I would tell him be was being completely unreasonable. And he would be.

This isn't about you though is it?

“This isn't about you though is it?”

No. But I am pretty sure that if I posted that my dp had been angry with me because I took my mum into our bedroom to show her the new curtains, Mumsnet would be righteously indignant on my behalf

If you can, let it go - no harm done - but totally get where you are coming from. I had MIL visit (they are OCD level clean) in the early days, so I tidied and cleaned like mad. Not enough time so literally threw everything into bedroom (a meter high mound on the bed) and shut the door. I hoped she’d only see the rest of the house. But...,She went for a wander round to check on DIY progress 😱 was mortified too. My DH was as relaxed about it. I tried to be - but I know we get compared to golden SIL whose house is immaculate all (ALL) the time!!! HOW?!!!!! Hopefully your MIL will get understand.
Emotions will be all over the place for a while. Then they will settle down. Then you’ll hit menopause - hurrah to being female 😉 xxx

I think Mumsnet is pretty traditional. Women own the management of the home and all childcare-related decsisions. 'My house. My rules'

(Though they're also expected to keep up sufficient paid work so they can boot out unsatisfactory partners without dire consequences.)

Husbands responsibilities are about not making too much mess, and placing towels in designated facilities. Also obeying all spousal childcare and domestic rules (see para 1 above.)

If my dh asked me not to bring my mother into our bedroom cos his dirty grundies were all over the floor I would respect his wishes, however I wouldn't want my mum in our bedroom either.

Why in the name of fuck would you wake a baby?

@Singlenotsingle Unfortunately some family members can be nitchy and help and criticise at the same time, or try to help to show that you are not doing well enough. My MIL was horrendous like this, she would come to 'help' with the baby, barge in the bedroom when me and baby were sleeping if she 'thought' the baby cried, when she was around there was no privacy or whatsoever, and she kept on moaning the kitchen was not tidy enough and offered helping to clean- which she didn't mean, but she wanted to show she thought the house was dirty. It was not filthy btw, but a bit messy. My baby slept for 1-2 hours the whole day since birth, and I had to pump milk and cook and clean and take care of bloody MIL when she was around. So to be honest the bit about family does not speak to me based on my experiences.

OP I feel for you, I hate people come in my bedroom as I see it as a very private space and I never go to other people's bedrooms, and MIL would never want me to go to hers, so I would not expect her to enter mine, I get your annoyance.

It was probably lovely for your MIL to see your home as it is, she almost certainly enjoyed being part of it all.
I like seeing people’s houses as they are, lived in.
I know you probably wanted it all to look perfect and together, but she is family and will take you as you are op, and love you all the more for it.

I would def let this one go

You're tired but get a grip.

I don't suppose your MIL cared a jot about the state of your (plural) bedroom, she just wanted to be with her DS and DGC.

Don't worry about it.

However, I manage to unpack the whole shopping and put lunch on whilst he's still upstairs
He wasn't 'waking the baby'......more like he was avoiding having to entertain his own mother.

Was the baby meant to be getting woken at that time for a feed anyway?
Or was it just for mil's benefit?

I think if DH knew you didn't want mil on there because of the mess he should have made more of an effort not to have her in there (or if for some reason he wanted her in there he could have done a quick tidy up). I don't think mil did anything wrong she probably went to help as DH was taking so long.

I think it's normal to feel like thatowards your dh after a baby. He didn't do much wrong really and I think your MIL wouldn't be phased by a messy bedroom when you have a young baby. I would just move on from it xx

Nothing to fret about, MIL probably knows you're both mucky pups.

Ok... so would you feel different if it was your own mum. I think it’s your choice how you feel as it’s yours and you DH house... but let’s take the MIL part away... would you be annoyed at your mum doing the same.

As a mum of a son... I offer countless help, money to my son and DIL. Help is taken and yet I still feel that I’m a 2nd rate citerzen compared to my DIL mum. I have never been invited to plays, offered the chance to see sports day... yet with out fail DIL mum is and I’m told she is expected to go.

So as mentioned would you feel different if it was your mum.

I would be pissed off that anyone woke my baby or gone in my bedroom. I’d expect someone to respect my privacy esp when I was t there & didnt have the opportunity to say “wait I sec, I have something to tidy up” etc. MIL seems a knob. DP probs used to it & thinks it’s normal. Good luck to you.

MIL will always come second to actual mums. Mine doesn’t seem to understand that. I feel it’s up to my partner to include his mum/family, if he doesn’t thats down to him. I’ll involve my family as I see fit. No excluding of inlaws, just up to respective son/daughter to do the inviting?

You’ll nearly always feel more comfortable being vulnerable in front of your own mum than MIL-that’s not a difficult concept is it?

Y

I feel your pain, I was away and cleaned house top to bottom whilst mil stayed here with dh to help with childcare. Whilst I was away she insisted on going into our bedroom (she was in spare room) and making the bed. DC kept saying not to as they know I don't like people in my room

You are being absolutely ridiculous. She didn’t just go in to your bedroom, she went to see her son and tha baby. Get a grip

this ^
You can be excused if you are sleep deprived and not thinking straight, but she wasn't poking round your home on her own, to inspect it - her ds was taking quite a long time so she went to see if he needed any help / support, I doubt if she even registered it was messy, but if she did, she wouldn't have thought anything of it other than 'I remember those days'.

However, I am also confused by the statement going to wake the baby ?!?

“MIL seems a knob.”

There is absolutely no evidence on this thread to indicate that she is a knob. None whatsoever.

My MIL did better than this. I came home from work to find DH downstairs and MIL in the marital bed, under the covers, with a DC either side of her, reading a bedtime story to them. DH was oblivious that she was in the bed.

I would of lost my shit tbh. I don’t even like my children in my room let alone my mil. Thankfully she’s told me my TVs dusty too many times she now asks for permission to go anywhere in my house. My mother wouldn’t comment on my home unless I ask and she wouldn’t go anywhere without asking and has never even seen my room since I left home.

The first time I’d gone to my in-laws I accidentally forgot to pack my underwear when we left I was mortified when I realised she had washed them for me and gave them back at my now husbands graduation 😂 this will be a funny memory one day as long as she’s not a total cow about the the state of your room in that case it really would say more about her! You probably are far more embarrassed than her as it’s your room she’s probably really unfazed by it as she knows how hard having a newborn is!