AIBU - MIL at our house

[FTMF30]

So me and DH have a baby together (our first child).
His mum (My MIL) comes to visit us occassionaly and the visits are nice enough. She's a nice lady. However, I can't shake a feeling of angered annoyance at my DH for the following scenario:
Yesterday morning, we both knew MIL would be coming but we both were tired AF so didn't really tidy up. The front room and kitchen we're in a reasonable state so we thought it would be fine. The bedrooms were an absolute tip but no worry there, as there's no reason for her to be going into any of our rooms. Fast forward to the actual visit and I pop to the supermarket to get a few bits. I leave him with his mum downstairs and baby napping in our bedroom. I come back and his mum is sat downstairs by herself, DH is upstairs supposedly waking the baby. However, I manage to unpack the whole shopping and put lunch on whilst he's still upstairs. I come out of the kitchen to find his mum has joined him in our bedroom. I'm MORTIFIED. I have bras on the floor and everything is just a mess in there.
I'm really angry that MIL just went into our bedroom ( I personally think that's a bit cheeky) and I'm also annoyed that DH let her. Even worse, they stayed there for quite a while playing with the baby. I was dying of embarrassment. I feel DH should have been quicker with waking the baby and bringing him down and set boundaries with his mum. Am I right to feel like this? I feel like everything he does pisses me off lately and I can't tell if it's my sheer exhaustion from having a small baby or it's genuinely him so long me up.
I bought up the incident with him and he was very defensive and non apologetic about it.

Is it just a turn of phrase "waking the baby"? You don't wake a baby, you let them sleep and they wake up when they're ready. Unless the baby is particularly unwell or only a week old and lost a lot of weight so medical professionals have asked you to wake the baby?

I hang clothes that can be reused like a bra behind the bathroom door; it swaps out with a slip for nighttime so everything is on a peg or in the laundry him. DH still leaves socks everywhere but has finally learned to hang clothes for rewearing on a peg. That way there's very little mess and no clothes all over the floor.

My MIL keeps quite a messy house and isn't judgemental anyway so she can go where she likes when she comes here. It doesn't sound like your MIL said anything and she sounds nice, read some more threads in AIBU and you'll be as grateful for her as I am for mine.

Your MIL went to help her son with her grandchild. I am sure she didn't go wandering to look at the state of your room. I really cannot see what the problem is here.

you didn't say to DH to keep his mum out of the mess, so it wouldn't occur to him

Yes please do the thinking for your husband - you failed in your duties

GreatDuckCookery Sun 17-Feb-19 10:51:41
Her son invited her into his bedroom thumbwitch.

You absolutely do not know that though. She may have just gone up there and he didn't feel able to say "don't come in", or it didn't in the slightest occur to him to say "don't come in" because his mother had probably been cleaning his wanksocks for years, and he wasn't embarrassed by her seeing his room. No thought for how the OP might feel entered his brain. And now he's been told, he couldn't care less either because her feelings still don't count as far as he's concerned.

Anyway - I'm getting over-invested because I feel the same way as the OP about invasion of my privacy like that - clearly a lot of others don't.

Out of interest, why do the OP’s wishes take priority?

why do the OP’s wishes take priority?

Because sadly it’s the woman who always get judged for any mess in the home - even in 2019.

Her ‘wishes’ are hardly difficult to adhere to are they? I wouldn’t go into someone else’s bedroom, baby or not, it’s their space.

I don't think that it women who get judged for mess in the home. Some people - like myself - have a partner who is retired. Other people will have a partner who is a stay at home Dad or who works part-time/does most of the childcare.

Yes, some women judge - and some women are very frightened of perceived judgement.

But I think a good partnership is based around the idea of the home as a shared space where both partners take responsibility for looking after the place - and agree on how this is to be done - and on how friends and family are looked after.

Sometimes the arrival of a baby upsets the pre-existing balance...

Yep you are over invested Thumbwitch. You don’t have a clue what happened either.

“Her ‘wishes’ are hardly difficult to adhere to are they? I wouldn’t go into someone else’s bedroom, baby or not, it’s their space.”

What-not even if one of the bedroom owners (who happens to be your child) said “Come in and look at the baby-she’s so gorgeous when she’s sleeping!”

It is actually possible for a dil to be in the wrong, you know. Always worth considering!

Well quite. Just pondering the answers to the reverse. 'Aibu to go into MIL's bedroom without asking her when I visit her house' 🤔 I reckon a lot would be telling me I was out of order as a DIL.

It would have annoyed me too OP. I have respect for my ILs privacy in their house, but in mine there is a tendency for MIL to see it as her own (ie treat us like children). I prefer to be treated as an adult woman and and equal, I am not and never have been her child.

" 'Aibu to go into MIL's bedroom without asking her when I visit her house'"

That's not really the reverse though is it?

MIL went to find/help her son-& it would seem that he was OK with her joining him in the room that he was in.

Yeah but I wanted to borrow a book that FIL told me to go and take from her bedside table. Is that better? AIBU?

“'Aibu to go into MIL's bedroom without asking her when I visit her house”

More like “Pil asked me to help him move a table in his and Mil’s bedroom and Mil was angry I hadn’t asked her first. WIBU?”

I think in both cases it is actually the men being unreasonable and not respecting their partners privacy. But not wanting people in your bedroom is completely understandable whoever you are.

Fil told you to go and borrow the book so it's fine...

I would wait and check it was okay with her in the case of the book

The table moving is a more difficult example as to say no would make you look unhelpful.

Dh should respect your wishes .

The problem isn't your MIL or your DH, it's that you are embarrassed that the house was a bit of a tip.
You have a new baby - people won't expect an immaculate house.

“But not wanting people in your bedroom is completely understandable whoever you are.”

Is it? I think it’s a bit daft,frankly. What is it- the presence of a.....bed?

“The table moving is a more difficult example as to say no would make you look unhelpful.”

And refusing to come in when invited to look at the baby would make you look a bit daft.

Thats fine Bert - if its your bedroom. Not everyone agrees though so to me it is unreasonable not to respect that.

If my partner said I couldn’t take my mother into our bedroom to look at a baby or a dress or the new curtains I would tell him be was being completely unreasonable. And he would be.

"Dh should respect your wishes ."

But perhaps he doesn't know that Op doesn't want her MIL in the bedroom with him?

I've been married 23yrs & tbh I haven't a clue what my husband would think about this or what he would think my opinion of it would be.

My thoughts are that neither of us would care about it, but I could be wrong!

And refusing to come in when invited to look at the baby would make you look a bit daft.

I said it was mainly the DH at fault. I'm not sure I 100% agree though - unless he had actually asked her to help in there. I could quite easily just lightly say 'lets go downstairs' without making it into an embarrassing situation/ issue. I rarely worry about looking daft maybe