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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not seeing my ds until further notice☹

132 replies

parry45 · 16/02/2019 14:17

I'll try keep this short. My ds 11 has lived with his dad for the past year, not by choice but long story. I see him every other weekend sat and sun and every Wednesday for dinner.(not easy). It was my weekend this weekend so he has seen us just 2 1/2 hours in 2 weeks. He really really looks forward to this weekend but I have been informed by dad yesterday that he will not be seeing me until further notice as he is on punishment and I can't be trusted to follow them through at my house. I would appreciate your thoughts on whether you think it's right to have the punishment at both houses for something he did there(he wiped a bogie on his bedroom wall). This is unfair that I can't see my ds until further notice☹aibu with this .. advice please.

OP posts:

werideatdawn · 16/02/2019 14:19

I imagine the backstory would put this into a better context..

Nanny0gg · 16/02/2019 14:19

Nope it's not fair.

Is this court ordered?

Vulpine · 16/02/2019 14:19

He wiped a bogey on his bedroom wall? That's it? Your poor son. Your ex is being an utter arse. It's not his job to tell you how to parent and to keep mother and son apart.

Hunter037 · 16/02/2019 14:20

It is not on for him to dictate whether you get to see your son or not, especially at short notice.

How long will he be punished for this (imo) minor indiscretion? "Until further notice" could be months.

Was your contact arrangement decided by a lawyer or social worker or something, or just done casually between you? He shouldn't be allowed to just change things for no good reason.

GreenTulips · 16/02/2019 14:22

Can you imagine this as a punishment if parents lived together?

You’ve done D son you aren’t allowed to interact with M/D for the next week

Absolute bonkere

Drogosnextwife · 16/02/2019 14:22

No he can not stop contact because your son wiped a bogie on the wall. That is crazy!

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 16/02/2019 14:23

Why does your ex think he has the right to punish YOU for something your son did?

Hanab · 16/02/2019 14:23

Erm somewhere on this forum people said what happens at dads/mums house does not affect the other parents time or way of doing things. 🤔
I would seek help about this situation. Surely he cannot make this decision on his own. Is he willing to make up the time you will lose out on seeing you DC?

Floralhousecoat · 16/02/2019 14:23

My ds is 11. This breaks my heart. His dad has no right to stop him seeing you. That is abuse. It is causing distress to both you and ds. I have no advice but I would not stand for this.

slipperywhensparticus · 16/02/2019 14:25

Not fair at all and I would be going to court to formalize this "agreement"

4point2fleet · 16/02/2019 14:29

I should think there is a LOT more to this.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 16/02/2019 14:31

This is absolutely not OK.

Firstly if you're jointly parenting then it you should be working together - one parent deciding on punishment and then deciding that the other parent can't possibly agree and follow through is taking all the decision making away from the other parent and treating them like a child.

Even if they can't agree on parenting decisions like discipline then both parents have to just accept that the other parent does it differently on their time.

Lastly it's a child right I believe in law to see their parents (if parents are willing), this would never stand up in court, you'd have to have done something very very serious to remove this right ie be seen as abusive, which following through on someone else's punishment isn't

Lastly, morally, it seems a massive over reaction to cancel seeing a parent for an entire weekend over a small incident. However if you start going down that route then you are crossing over into telling him what he can do on his time and he can start doing the same.

I'd just calmly state it's a child's right to see their parent, it's not in anyone's best interests to cancel visiting arrangements as a punishment

Original poster

parry45 · 16/02/2019 14:33

The back story cut down is that my ds is on the spectrum (yet undiagnosed), and due to safeguarding of younger siblings this was what was decided by ss. I asked them for help and this was what they decided and it completely broke my heart! They stated that is was important for ds emotional health to have the regular contact with us, we Skype every night etc. There was a meeting first as there were safeguarding issues with dad and it nearly led to ds living with grandparents due to dad's emotional abuse towards ds and I had support from Splitz. I don't usually post but I just really needed advice with this as it's not fair given the reason?

OP posts:

Furrydogmum · 16/02/2019 14:39

From your latest post I'd suggest getting some help via ss/healthcare/education professionals.. It doesn't sound as if dad has a handle on not being emotionally abusive to me 😔 it isn't fair on you or your son to not have your contact time..

4point2fleet · 16/02/2019 14:39

Does your DS have a social worker? If so, I would contact them.

AcrossthePond55 · 16/02/2019 14:40

Given the information you've just provided, I think you need to contact SS. Tell them what's going on and seek their advice.

I'm assuming the contact agreement is informal, so legally there is nothing you can do to force your DH to bring your son over. But SS may be able to do something.

What is the 'punishment' for what he did that your DH is afraid you won't carry through with?

mytieisascarf · 16/02/2019 14:40

Is your child under a child protection order? Contact social services and tell them what has happened. A child should not be punished with the removal of parental love and affection. You and more importantly he have the right to a relationship, Your Ex is deeply unreasonable and his approach to parenting can be damaging.

If you can afford to speak to a solicitor.

TheInvestigator · 16/02/2019 14:42

Remind him that his emotional abuse almost lost him his son, and what he is doing is just continuing the emotional abuse. Tell him that you are his mum; you are not a reward or a punishment... just his mum and you will not be stopped from seeing him. Tell him that if he refuses you contact the next step will be a solicitor.

Then make an appointment with a solicitor anyway and have a letter sent to your ex asking for clarification about this "punishment" and demand for contact to remain uninterrupted regardless of behaviour etc.

You need to nip this in the bud now, especially with someone with a history of emotional abuse. Don't take a gentle aporoach; just tell him straight and then get a solicitor.

bethy15 · 16/02/2019 14:48

There was a meeting first as there were safeguarding issues with dad and it nearly led to ds living with grandparents due to dad's emotional abuse towards ds

So he's emotionally abusive and yet he is with him full time?

Who thought this was a good idea? Who?

The younger children may be safeguarded, but what about this child's safety. I can't believe someone who has been emotionally abusive is in sole charge of this child now.

BlankTimes · 16/02/2019 14:50

my ds is on the spectrum (yet undiagnosed)

Start the diagnostic process.

See your GP alone, fully explain the circumstances, ask for their help.

rosinavera · 16/02/2019 14:50

No advice but I'm outraged on your behalf!! :-( x

MrsTerryPratcett · 16/02/2019 14:50

Contact SS again. His father shouldn't be withholding contact as a punishment, which is what is happening here. DS has the right to a relationship with you.

Do you have any legal advice?

TeachesOfPeaches · 16/02/2019 14:51

He cannot withhold contact as a punishment. This is outrageous

Gruzinkerbell1 · 16/02/2019 14:53

Agree with the others. You urgently need to speak to social services.

Natsku · 16/02/2019 14:55

This is definitely something you need to talk to his social worker about, he cannot do this, punishment beyond cleaning the wall would be over the top anyway but to withhold contact is completely unacceptable

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