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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not seeing my ds until further notice☹

132 replies

parry45 · 16/02/2019 14:17

I'll try keep this short. My ds 11 has lived with his dad for the past year, not by choice but long story. I see him every other weekend sat and sun and every Wednesday for dinner.(not easy). It was my weekend this weekend so he has seen us just 2 1/2 hours in 2 weeks. He really really looks forward to this weekend but I have been informed by dad yesterday that he will not be seeing me until further notice as he is on punishment and I can't be trusted to follow them through at my house. I would appreciate your thoughts on whether you think it's right to have the punishment at both houses for something he did there(he wiped a bogie on his bedroom wall). This is unfair that I can't see my ds until further notice☹aibu with this .. advice please.

OP posts:
imip · 16/02/2019 22:07

God, he’s an absolute cunt! My dd has autism and ALWAYS wipes them in the wall. It turns my stomach but I guess it’s sensorial. We remind her not to do it - that’s it! Never a punishment. ASD is a developmental disability. Some aspects of development can be really delayed, I guess that’s one of them. At least that’s how I console myself when I’m faced with the millionth snot dried out on the wall.

ReanimatedSGB · 16/02/2019 22:09

Good luck, you need to throw everything you can at this, so your poor little boy isn't left in the care of an abusive man. His father shouldn't be having anything other than supervised contact with him, by the sound of it.

bethy15 · 16/02/2019 22:29

What was he doing that harmed the other DC?

I just don't get it, he hasn't even been assessed, so how can they have come up with this solution?

This child is being sold down the river to an abusive parent in favour of the other children. This man is clearly abusive. I have no idea why a SW who saw him be abusive towards her would even sign off on this.

I'm utterly confused as to why this is even happening. It's so awful for this poor boy.

Dowser · 16/02/2019 22:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
parry45 · 17/02/2019 00:23

Dowser. .Thank you for your post. It's the same with my son! He crys so much when he has to go and hugs me so much! I begged for him not to go there but the social worker was painted the picture that I was manipulative and didn't believe a word I said. She even told him that the only way he would ever be able to come home was if me and my husband separated and he had my other children live with him! You turn to services for help and all they do is this? He hurt both my other ds, both reported yet my ds was still put in his care....the system is all wrong.

OP posts:
parry45 · 17/02/2019 00:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jux · 17/02/2019 01:02

That's really shocking. Were those incident reported to police? Didn't the SW talk to he boys about thise incidents? Did she just talk to your ex and no one else? She sounds deranged. I'd find a lawyer pronto. Also report to the NSPCC.

maddening · 17/02/2019 01:02

OMG op so sorry for you and your ds, I hope sw sees sense and you get your ds back!

kateandme · 17/02/2019 05:55

i don't understand.is your ds not allowed with your othr dc because of his condition?

MarieG10 · 17/02/2019 06:57

FFS. I'm a disciplinarian but this really is a bit extreme. Not having contact with you isn't punishment it is verging in abuse. I'm with an earlier poster in that I get sick of some of the do gooders on MN scream abuse every time a child is ticked off but I think this is a tipping point. Not having contact with you as his mother won't help him

londonrach · 17/02/2019 07:18

Yanbu. Talk to ss. Sounds like he shouldnt be with his dad full time. Get him diagnosised. Hug xxx

bethy15 · 17/02/2019 07:48

But what did DS son do to endanger the other children?

Because I just don't even see it. This is clear abuse and a terrible history of it. He's being sacrificed in this. I just don't even understand why it was even considered by you, there must be other options then leaving this vulnerable child with an abuser.

Cuttingthegrass · 17/02/2019 08:04

Op can SS help to prioritise an appointment for assessment/ diagnosis.

What a sad sad situation. Your poor DS. And you.

4point2fleet · 17/02/2019 08:52

SS are probably desperate for it to work with the dad because they have so few care placements. The alternative might be out of county foster care which could be many many miles away. If OP makes SS see that he can't be with dad, that may be the outcome.

OP you mentioned your DS could go to grandparents? Is that still an option and if so, could you fight SS to have him moved to there?

4point2fleet · 17/02/2019 08:54

How is DS at school?

Lovemusic33 · 17/02/2019 09:20

4point is right, SS want it to work as it’s the easiest option for them (and the cheapest), the other options would be foster care or residential, as a parent to a child with ASD and a similar age I would not rule out residential as this could be during the week and he comes home at weekends? It’s very hard to find foster homes for kids with SN’s.

4point2fleet · 17/02/2019 09:32

That's why I asked how it is at school. If it's not good, residential could be a solution.

However, with no dx and I presume no EHCP and perhaps not at crisis point in school as OP hasn't mentioned it, it may not be on the table.

Dowser · 17/02/2019 10:12

Parry, I’ve sent you a pm
((( hugs)))

WellThisIsShit · 17/02/2019 10:25

What an awful situation, and sadly I can well believe it happening.

It’s something I’ve seen, that occasionally a prejudiced or incompetent social worker sometimes makes extremely poor and unsubstantiated decisions which can do active harm to a child and their family.

When people have so much power, the safe guards, checks and balances need to be absolutely beyond reproach but are just not there a lot of the time for these types of cases, where a court order isn’t involved.

Original poster
parry45 · 17/02/2019 10:32

So ds goes to a specialist provision school and has had an ehcp.you are right 4point2fleet they want it to work with dad, even though I pleaded it wouldn't be good for him but it was taken out of my control and I was told to step back and allow ds to settle there, the whole situation has really been the most upsetting thing ever.
When I hear back from the sw after this incident, I will speak again about how strongly I want him with his grandparents. They only live 10 minutes from me and they are very caring and loving and ds would have a lovely other home there. When we first had to go to dad's, dad went to Spain on holiday for a week and ds stayed with them. He was far less anxious and they allowed him to come see us every other day😊.

OP posts:
Original poster
parry45 · 17/02/2019 10:34

Does anyone know as the case with ss was closed in September if he would allocated a different social worker?

OP posts:
Original poster
parry45 · 17/02/2019 10:38

Wellthisisshit...this is completely my situation. When she said we couldn't live here anymore (obviously) I broke down. She told me to stop being so silly and to think of my other children. Like I was being selfish. I said ds is also one of my children?

OP posts:
4point2fleet · 17/02/2019 11:04

I think you are actually in quite a strong position to take the dad on parry.

If DS has an EHCP and is well settled at a specialist school, SS will NOT want to put him in foster care as they may well also have to find him another school that could meet the provision in EHCP.

I would go in and see the Safeguarding lead at school and explain everything in detail about the situation with dad (if they don't already know), including the light the dad tries to paint you in. If both you and the school re-refer into SS, they should listen.

PP saying DS should go back home- that really may not be in anybody's best interest. However, neither should he have to live with someone who will not be able to meet his needs. Given the story, I think we can assume DS has some behaviours which are severely challenging to others. Maybe the dad cannot really manage them and is not coping himself.

It sounds like there is a better solution available with the grandparents.

Original poster
parry45 · 17/02/2019 11:17

4point2fleet. Thank you for the advice.
Yes ds behaviours are severely challenging that's why he wasn't able to be here. I can't detail but it went to a section47 and all became out of my control and I did everything I possibly could for him. Gp, cahms, educatioal psychologist....I tried everything so this wouldn't happen. But he knows how much I love him and he tells me that all the time🙂.

OP posts:
Original poster
parry45 · 17/02/2019 11:21

Also yes ss did say dad's approach to parenting is completely different to mine and his patience and parenting skills weren't good especially for ds and his needs. They sw told dad this and he had to agree to parenting classes, however he never attended. He will NOT be told to do anything and is NEVER wrong, he is challenging himself!

OP posts:
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