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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not seeing my ds until further notice☹

132 replies

parry45 · 16/02/2019 14:17

I'll try keep this short. My ds 11 has lived with his dad for the past year, not by choice but long story. I see him every other weekend sat and sun and every Wednesday for dinner.(not easy). It was my weekend this weekend so he has seen us just 2 1/2 hours in 2 weeks. He really really looks forward to this weekend but I have been informed by dad yesterday that he will not be seeing me until further notice as he is on punishment and I can't be trusted to follow them through at my house. I would appreciate your thoughts on whether you think it's right to have the punishment at both houses for something he did there(he wiped a bogie on his bedroom wall). This is unfair that I can't see my ds until further notice☹aibu with this .. advice please.

OP posts:
Sandunesandseashells · 16/02/2019 14:56

Not the same situation, but I work with children who are in local authority residential care. It is prohibited to prevent family visits/contact etc. by way of a sanction/consequence for behaviour. If he has a social worker or guardian ad litem, please contact them as soon as possible to report this and get help for both of you.

PerspicaciaTick · 16/02/2019 14:56

Any punishment beyond "Gross, clean it up and don't do it again" is verging on the extreme for me. To instigate punishment with no end date and which results in be excluded from seeing a parent is downright cruel. And yet there is a whole additional level of punishment going on here because there is whatever punishment that you aren't trusted to implement. All for a bogey on the wall - it feels (from the little info we have) to be completely disproportionate.
I would go back to your DS's social worker and discuss - because it is one thing to protect siblings and quite another to throw a vulnerable child under an emotionally abusive bus.

bethy15 · 16/02/2019 14:59

because it is one thing to protect siblings and quite another to throw a vulnerable child under an emotionally abusive bus.

Quite agree.

bionicnemonic · 16/02/2019 14:59

This is so sad. Your poor son. This is something to be corrected on not punished for. I wonder if your ex has always used a tissue for his own bogey collection

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/02/2019 15:02

You need to get social services and a solicitor involved. It doesn’t sound as if living with his dad is the best thing at all for your ds. My dd is coming up to the same age. Kids do gross things. The natural consequence is wiping it off.

When will your ds be assessed? Can you get ss to reassess the situation with a view to your ds coming back to you? Personally I’d be fighting tooth and nail to protect him - not saying you aren’t.

blackteasplease · 16/02/2019 15:15

Get social services involved immediately. I don't know if there is an emergency weekend number or anything?

It looks like this child shoudlnt be living with his Dad at all. What a horrible man!

Surely an asd child needs the regularity of contact more than most!

Applesaregreenandred · 16/02/2019 15:21

So there were previous concerns about emotional abuse if your DS in the care of his dad? Definitely contact the social worker .

ReanimatedSGB · 16/02/2019 15:21

This all sounds very worrying and I suggest you get proper, professional help (SS and legal advice.)
Is your XH wealthy and articulate as well as abusive? It sounds as though he has managed to convince people that he is a Good Parent while you are not, but perhaps if you are used to being bullied by him you have not felt strong enough to stand up for yourself and DC.

The only other thing I would wonder about (and you do not have to answer this because it isn't our business) is whether you have MH problems and/or substance abuse problems and that is why your XH is able to present himself as the better parent despite the fact that he's a bullying prick.

DointItForTheKids · 16/02/2019 15:34

I'm sure SS intention was not for things to play out like this. I'd consider speaking to them for support. He can't dictate when you see your son or not.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 16/02/2019 15:41

Get ss and legal help asap. And diagnostic help for your son.

Your ex does not get to decide this, unilaterally.

SchrodingersUnicorn · 16/02/2019 15:42

@ReanimatedSGB she said earlier the reason he isn't living with her is to safeguard her younger children, so I assume the 11yr old was violent towards them. Not a question of her parenting (to SS at least, it's just XDH thinks she isnt strict enough). That was my reading anyway.

SpanielEars070 · 16/02/2019 15:47

I think you need legal advice on this one, OP.

It sounds awful Sad

IvanaPee · 16/02/2019 15:52

Hang on, SS have left a child with SN with an emotionally abusive father??

Lovemusic33 · 16/02/2019 15:58

Agree with what others are saying, contact SS, tell themcontact has been stopped due to your ex punishing your ds. I would be very concerned, a father should not stop his child seeing his mum as a punishment for something done at his house.

swingofthings · 16/02/2019 15:58

Totsly unacceptable. He can't punish his son by taking away his time with you. Ideally, you'd agree to carry out the punishment though. What is it? No xbox or something? Why does he think you wouldn't agree to it? Still even if you don't, he should have started the punishment on Monday.

Borderterrierpuppy · 16/02/2019 16:08

Please phone your social worker, this is completely cruel punishment.

Original poster
parry45 · 16/02/2019 16:08

Shrodingersunicorn that's correct. Thank you for all your support with this. I have had a solicitor in the past for the abuse, including towards the children. I also have 2 older ds 18 and 15 who haven't had contact with him for a few years now as they had enough and also the reason for the safeguarding meeting( a situation with my 15 year old). I have fought tooth and nail this past year it's been very hard, ds is always on punishment. For the bogie it is a week punishment of being banned from his xbox, phone tablet, skype etc and now not seeing me. Appreciate all the advice and will definitely be contacting the ss again. I told them from the start he shouldn't be there. He's not wealthy atm....he messaged me in may last year threatening I drop csa arrears of 3500 and if I didn't he would quit his job....So he did.
Sorry I'm trying to answer as many of your questions as I can.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/02/2019 16:09

I'd try and make sure you see your son visually by hook or by crook - it might be "punishment" to withhold contact with you, or it might be to prevent you from seeing something he doesn't want you to, e.g. bruises or similar.
YOu say he's been emotionally abusive to your DS - has that ever escalated into physical abuse?

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 16/02/2019 16:09

This is so worrying, I agree with others - speak to SS.

Your son put a bogie on the wall and all this is the punishment? There are also other punishments by the sound of it because he's not allowing you to see him because he can't trust you to do the punishment.

Your poor son needs to be taken away from his abusive father.

Original poster
parry45 · 16/02/2019 16:13

Mummyoflittledragon. Ds was supposed to be assessed last year I had a paediatrician app booked but dad didn't take him

OP posts:
Lovewineandchocs · 16/02/2019 16:24

So if he’s banned from using Skype for a week, then that also means he can’t have his daily Skype contact with you as recommended by SS? This is appalling and unacceptable, I’d be on to SS as soon as possible.

Springwalk · 16/02/2019 16:24

Contact SS immediately with a view to taking him to court.

He absolutely can not continue like this. So sorry for you and poor dsFlowers

bethy15 · 16/02/2019 16:34

You need to take him to be assessed on a day you have him. Take him on a Wednesday evening and just don't tell your ex. He needs this.

Also, I just can't believe that the safety and well being of the younger children is being put so far ahead of this little boy that he has to live with an abusive father and one who punishes like this.

Who decided this should be permanent? I just can't believe it.

Jux · 16/02/2019 16:51

It sounds like his dad is still abusing him emotionally. Iyo, would it be better if he lived with grandparents?

Aeroflotgirl · 16/02/2019 17:08

That is unacceptable of him, contact with his other parent should not be used as punishment, I would be going to SS and contacting your solicitor. He sounds like he is using this to control you. It is not about punishing you at all. I can't believe he did not take ds to his paeditrician appointment Sad, what a crap father he is.