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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not seeing my ds until further notice☹

132 replies

parry45 · 16/02/2019 14:17

I'll try keep this short. My ds 11 has lived with his dad for the past year, not by choice but long story. I see him every other weekend sat and sun and every Wednesday for dinner.(not easy). It was my weekend this weekend so he has seen us just 2 1/2 hours in 2 weeks. He really really looks forward to this weekend but I have been informed by dad yesterday that he will not be seeing me until further notice as he is on punishment and I can't be trusted to follow them through at my house. I would appreciate your thoughts on whether you think it's right to have the punishment at both houses for something he did there(he wiped a bogie on his bedroom wall). This is unfair that I can't see my ds until further notice☹aibu with this .. advice please.

OP posts:
bethy15 · 18/02/2019 16:44

Any update on this?

Original poster
parry45 · 19/02/2019 16:06

It's just ridiculous! Rang nspcc to get advice they said ring ss which I have already. Social have been rubbish and all they have said is at its closed they can't do anything and to get a contact order so he can't stop the contact again! I said but you had safeguarding concerns with his dad and I'm worried, still said they can't do anything.

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Original poster
parry45 · 19/02/2019 16:16

We Skype every night but he's taken it away from ds so I can't even talk to him. This is just shit.

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Lovemusic33 · 19/02/2019 16:22

Do get a contact order, it takes time but at the moment it might’ve your only option. You could make an anonymous call to SS and say you are concerned about your sons safety (obviously don’t tell them you are his mum) then maybe SS will pay him a visit and talk to ds to make sure he is safe?

notapizzaeater · 19/02/2019 16:28

That's shocking, can you ask to speak to a manager in SS and raise it as a safeguarding issue?

Original poster
parry45 · 19/02/2019 16:45

Apparently not because there's no proof of any harm? It's emotional abuse, my poor ds has been cut of from any contact completely? Going to get the solicitor to send a letter out asap. Also going to ask the grandparents to go and check on him.

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bethy15 · 20/02/2019 00:28

He's your son and he's being punished with no contact with you, hid mother.

Go round there and demand to see him. This isn't right at all.

PickAChew · 20/02/2019 00:36

He can do punishment T his house. He doesn't get to dictate your terms.

Though I had a bogey collection at 5. It's obligatory, isn't it.

Original poster
parry45 · 20/02/2019 09:24

I know pickachew. He's told me "as I can't be trusted to enforce his punishments at my house then ds simply won't come to my house!" Have contacted my solicitor from before.

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SandyY2K · 20/02/2019 10:05

Your DS is continuing to be abused by his dad. Always in punishment, scrubbing the toilet with bleach at his age and a week long ban of his tech.

You need to get help for him quickly. Your DS will end up damaged from this abuse and possibly harm himself ad he feels like a disappointment to his dad.

No 11 year old (or any child) should feel that way.

Please act quickly for your son. I hope you get success .

WakeMeWhenTheyTurn18 · 21/02/2019 10:14

Hope you are ok op. I dont have any advice apart from speak to a solicitor. And possible keep phoning ss until tbey take notice. Stay strong x

DoctorDread · 21/02/2019 10:15

Heartbreaking. I'm so sorry for you and ds op

Original poster
parry45 · 21/02/2019 11:40

Thank you. I'm trying but my hearts breaking here😢. I just can't get my head around the fact this is through punishment. I work with children (inclusion support worker). I know the effects this can have on children, he needs his mum. Have a solicitor app so fingers crossed this NEVER happens again and that ds will see me and his siblings very soon.

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Jux · 21/02/2019 12:10

I know ss are oveworked and under-resourced but even so this is just wrong. Your ex is abusing both of you this way. Hope your solicitor is quick off the mark.

I wonder if WA can help at all, as this is continuing abuse of you too?
Have you tried NSPCC? I know they're toothless but as more reports pile up fromiffent agencies surely someone will have to check what is actually happening?

Original poster
parry45 · 21/02/2019 13:25

Yes have reported to nspcc jux, I am doing everything I can as this is just horrendous! It has been through a solicotor before regarding the way the children were punished, there's a big log that goes back with this with cahms , school, so many professionals. Maybe this time someone might ACTUALLY listen to me. The only problem is obviously cost with a solicitor. He will get legal aid as he quit his job so he didn't have to pay maintenance. The whole thing is just wrong, all because of control again my ds is the one being damaged here.

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bellabasset · 21/02/2019 13:37

This is horrendous for your ds, bad enough separating him from his mum but denying him contact is beyond belief.

Are you able to get a solicitor to represent your son on legal aid?

Original poster
parry45 · 21/02/2019 13:42

Bellabasset I am not sure. She is a family law solicitor who represents children so does this mean as he is a child he would get legal aid, or is it done via myself. I am not entitled to legal aid. Last time it cost me £600 just for letters to be sent! All because I wanted my children treated right. I suppose I will find out at the appointment.
Thanks for all the support mumsnetters Flowers

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Original poster
parry45 · 21/02/2019 13:46

On childlawadvice it states that legal aid can be available if it's abuse involved, so that sounds hopeful.

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SandyY2K · 21/02/2019 16:02

I would write to the HOS of the particular section in your local authority.

If you want people to move...I'd go one further and write to the Chief Executive and the Strategic director of Children's services.

Any such letter that a chief exec gets...means things get investigated. Make sure you state safeguarding concerns and summarise the historic abuse from father to son, yet he was still placed there.

State that you would welcome the opportunity to come in and meet with a senior manager to discuss the matter further. Keep mentioning safeguarding, your concerns and how distressed your DS is when he has to leave you.

They will not ignore your written word. Send the letter via recorded delivery.

Find the name of the chief executive and the name of the strategic director, so you address the letters by their names.

My experience (from work) is when such letters are received, questions are asked.

If you send a copy to your local MP as well... believe me they'll be running round to deal with this matter.

If you want to run the letter by me, I'm happy to help ensure the keywords are in there. You can PM me... just blank out names and personal details.

Original poster
parry45 · 21/02/2019 21:55

Sandy2k I really appreciate your advice and take it on board. I now have the name of the chief executive of the children's services at my local council so I will be writing stating my safeguarding concerns with my ds. Should I write I state to them that I will be contacting my mp? Thank you for offering to look over it for me.

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Original poster
parry45 · 21/02/2019 21:57

What is the strategic director for of children's? Sorry, ive never heard of them before.

OP posts:
Dowser · 21/02/2019 22:23

Sandy...I’ve sent your suggestions to my friend who is in a similar situation
He’s refusing contact with mum because the children just want to be with her ( 5 and 4) and kick off when they have to go back to him.

She’s written to her mp and I’ve written too in support of her letter...I’ve known her 24 years

I hope Parry this helps you .

Original poster
parry45 · 21/02/2019 22:41

Thank you dowser. Your support has been fantastic. I hope that we can get somewhere from this as it's just not right. I've been skyping and skyping my ds but nothing! I need to involve my mp like you have. I hope it helps as nothing else has.

OP posts:
Dowser · 21/02/2019 23:16

I suggested to my friend that she circulates my letter to her mp to her friends and get them to crib from that but I think tonight she just feels beaten into the ground.
Hearing the defeat in her voice I just want to sob for Britain.
Don’t forget you can write to your mo through this site
Theyworkforyou.com