My sisters about to transition

[Moominfan]

I'm absolutely devastated. It's such a long term decision. They're only 18 and still figuring themselves out. Originally went to gp who forgot to do referral so it bought us some more time. She's now going down the private route and has an appointment Monday. I've really tried to keep my opinions to myself as didn't want them to feel they had to rebel against the rest of us. Was hoping life would distract them, driving lessons, travel, uni ect but their adamant they want to go through with it.

Are they twins?

Difficult times, keep quiet and be supportive

Who’s paying?

Go get therapy for yourself on this.

You aren't going to dissuade them. Neither is life. That really isn't how this works. The only thing you have control over here is your reaction -- whether you're supportive or not.

Don't be disappointed with yourself if acceptance doesn't happen straight away. You can't help it. Therapy can help with the warring emotions of wanting to support someone you love even while they're making a decision you don't agree with.

Just the one, she'll pay through a shared scheme with Nhs. Uses a private company and Nhs contributes half

My sympathies. My 19 year old niece (pronouns they/them) starts T this month and I'm devastated. I miss my gender non conforming niece. She's frozen me out become I don't validate her identity as a man.

I'd second the advice about getting help for yourself. I'm seeing a therapist and this is one of the things we talk about.

Un-mumsnetty hugs.

surgery and hormones?

I feel for you

It's so sad she knows she won't be a man by the end of it as well but is willing to mutilate themselves for the sake of feeling slightly better

It's her choice. You may not agree with it, but it's her life.
Just be there for her.

But they don't think they're mutilating themselves - to them, they are un-mutilating themselves, or "fixing" what feels wrong.

I worked with a trans guy a couple of years ago. If you didn't know he was trans you would just think he was a softly spoken man. We had some quite in depth conversations about transitioning (he was having his final surgery, a hysterectomy, during the time I worked with him.) He talked about how he felt going in for his mastectomy and the feeling of utter relief when he woke up after surgery and looked down to see his flat chest.

Colleagues who knew him before he started transitioning said he was so much happier and outgoing than before. He remained in the same relationship with a woman and they married last year.

I know it's hard for you, but you need to support them and let them know they will always be family and always be loved.

. Just too young to be doing this. I agree with getting some therapy for yourself.

BTW, when they start on Testosterone, it's normal to get quite snappy and irritable. A bit like PMT or giving up smoking. The body is just getting used to the new hormone balance, it doesn't mean the process isn't working or there's something wrong.

Sympathies

You can't change your sibling, or their decision, just deal with your reaction to it. There is probably plenty more drama in the pipeline so counselling is a good idea.

Is she also on the autistic spectrum?

@ISdads why do you ask about autism?

These poor girls.

This isn't about you. Imagine the day to day battles inside your siblings head, feeling they're in the wrong body. People have committed suicide over this.

It's not what your opinion of their gender should be which matters. No. They are not too young. When you know, you know. No shame in it at all, it's their way of being as close to how they identify as possible. I've got trans friends. I dated several. I thought I was trans, all through my adolescence and early twenties until I realised I'm non binary. I didn't know it was OK to feel and identify this way. I knew I didn't feel right being gendered as female, but I wasn't ever going to ask for transition surgery. I've always lived in between. But for some, going through transition is what is right for them. And you can either suck it up and support them, or do them a favour and go do one. Because it's hard enough, without unsupportive people around. It's about them, not you. Seek some therapy.

People have committed suicide over this

Possibly. But it's irresponsible to attribute suicide to any one cause. Furthermore, people who identify as trans tend to have other mental health disorders which tend to contribute to suicidal thoughts.
In any case, the threat of suicide is not a reason to uncritically affirm a very young relative's identity especially if that means accepting life changing surgery and hormonal changes.

It's not what your opinion of their gender should be which matters

Actually, it does. Maybe not to the individual who is undergoing surgery etc but to the family their feelings are extremely important and valid.

I'm really uncomfortable with the tone of this thread, with pp after pp suggesting therapy for the OP. As if she is wrong for being concerned.

High levels of testosterone isn't meant for the female body. It wreaks havoc and causes long-term health issues.

The OP's life is being irrevocably altered as well. Will she be expected to rewrite her own history, and say she grew up with a brother?

Op isn't wrong to be upset.

I personally think you should not be able to transition until 25 or 30, there could be all kinds of reasons for not feeling "right".

I thought I was in the wrong body through most of my teenage years. You can call me David. I know a fair bit about suicide options.

I am so glad it was 40 years ago. The thought of medicalising myself all my life to support a lie created , in my case , by societies treatment of gender non compliant women takes me to really bad places. HAS your sister explored other options? What support is out there for women who are different?

At the end of the day she is an adult. BUt if an adult Tries to jump of a bridge, you try to stop them . If an adult displays other types of self harming behaviour you would try to stop them,

When you know, you know

Aye, and now I know I didn't know, and I'm constantly learning that past beliefs weren't always correct.
If everything I was certain of in my teens was true, I'd have had a very dull life thereafter.

How would your sister like to be identified once they start to transition? If they wish you to start using male pronouns then please respect this.

A friend's son transitioned at the same age. He now identifies as male, and after testosterone and some surgery no one would know he was born female. After the initial shock subsided the family got used to it and it's not even thought about any longer. He's thriving in his new life, he is now who he was always meant to be.

No not on the autism spectrum. Very troubled upbringing, not made it to uni. Has other mental health issues. My concern is that they're in a very vulnerable place to be making a choice that has some real long term consequences. They've barely lived.