My sisters about to transition

[Moominfan]

I'm absolutely devastated. It's such a long term decision. They're only 18 and still figuring themselves out. Originally went to gp who forgot to do referral so it bought us some more time. She's now going down the private route and has an appointment Monday. I've really tried to keep my opinions to myself as didn't want them to feel they had to rebel against the rest of us. Was hoping life would distract them, driving lessons, travel, uni ect but their adamant they want to go through with it.

Also there's an entire community of detransitionars. Not unheard of for people to make choices they later regret. I don't care for pronoun policing.

Please just do your best to support them. They’re going down a hard road and will most likely face discrimination if not outright abuse. It will mean a lot to have family by their side, even if you struggle to understand their decision.

Will she be expected to rewrite her own history, and say she grew up with a brother?

No one expects her to rewrite history. There's nothing wrong with saying she grew up with a sister who then transitioned and is now a male/ her brother. She's certainly not alone in this experience.

The thing is, these young women, once transitioned, still won’t be able to live ordinary lives as men. They’ll be noticeably shorter than most men. They’ll have vaginas. If they make the extreme step to have “bottom surgery”, their arms will be stripped of skin and muscle to fashion a rudimentary penis. They’ll be, obviously, infertile.

So by all means, push the narrative that we all should support these women, because they’re “born in the wrong body”, and transitioning will make everything better. It won’t. It will be a life lived as a facsimile of a man.

I would hope going down the private route would still entail counselling and assessment to ensure this is the right course, and not someone trying to change to escape their troubled upbringing.

I would get counselling for yourself anyway OP, because it can help you to talk about your feelings and sense of loss of the person you thought of as your sister. To try and make sense of their decision.

But it is their decision, not yours.

SO if your husband decides to stay in bed all day you would go for counselling to help you accept his descison as a adult?

I am so sorry you're struggling with this OP.

It is a strong likelihood that those MH problems and troubled youth were at least partially caused by gender dysphoria. I'm queer, which obviously isn't the same, but I can't remember not knowing this about myself and it defjnitely contributed to MH problems for me.

Your brother is working with professionals. You may disagree with his decision but they are the experts. I qould suggest coubselling, not because you are "wrong" but because this is a huge shock to you and you'll need help sorting out how you feel no matter what happens.

MIdgebabe
SO if your husband decides to stay in bed all day you would go for counselling to help you accept his descison as a adult?

why wouldn't you? this could cause regret, anger, grief, resentment, jealousy alsorts of feelings that are justified and need to/should be worked through.

It is not your decision whether she will be mutilating herself, nor your judgement whether the benefits will be slight. She may or may not regret the decision but that is the essence of free choice, we are all free to make mistakes or take risks. You sound like you have pre-judged her life and her choices.

A friend's daughter is (and has been) identifying as male for about the last 5 years.
Her parents struggle with it and still refer to them as 'she' whilst the person in question requests to be called 'he' (and they've also adopted a male name). It makes for a very awkward situation sometimes, trying to respect the wishes on the daughter whilst also being mindful of the parents.

The daughter in question is somewhere on the spectrum - she's just a little 'whacky' and an extremely likeable character, but quite boyish in looks and nature.

I would hate to think of her undergoing something so lifechanging. Perhaps that's wrong of me, but it's how I feel. It just feels too young (she's 18/19ish, but a little immature too).

I asked about the autism because it's often linked to feelings of gender confusion, but also because it can become an obsession that is then forgotten a year or so later.

We are suggesting counselling for op because she is the only person she has control over. Counselling can help deal with all her conflicting emotions over this and decide how she wants to behave towards her sibling in future. My sibling, also autistic, is all over the place on this. She is older though. For my.own mental health, I have just stepped right back and left her to it. Hard with an 18year old. If she does have a lot of other mh issues, I would suggest checking a list of characteristics of aspergers in girls. It's often undiagnosed.

My brother had a "MH crisis" when he was in his fifties. Left his wife (actually she left him) and he went into therapy with a psychologist whose specialty happened to be gender dysphoria. He wasn't assigned this person because of their specialty, just to be clear. But wa-hey, the therapist discovered that my brother was suffering because he really wanted to be a woman. What are the odds, eh?

My brother was/is (although now a sister, hard one to discuss whole life in one pronoun so it gets a bit confusing, not trying to be horrible) very autistic. Functioned well mostly, but very blinkered, did/does not pick up on social cues at all, has no understanding of how people around him are feeling...and we all get that and there has always been an understanding that that is who he is. Everyone he knew His family were floored at the woman thing (didn't really have any friends). Nothing from his previous life led to that. But we were supportive because he was a grown-up. Did we believe he was actually born a woman in a man's body and meant to be a woman? Hell no.

But now she is a transwoman. All the drugs, all the ops. And guess what, the serious MH issues are still there. We try to support, but I think this person who used to be my brother has been let down by their MH team. What I am getting at OP is that your sister and my brother-that-was are victims of our times. The social contagion of trans. Not trans bashing at all-- but don't think you are trans because you feel it this year, life is long (give your body a chance to grow up) and don't foist trans on already vulnerable mental health patients because it is your post graduate degree topic.

I have probably offended a lot of people here. Oh well, rant over.

What are the odds, eh?

Aye, what are the chances.

It's like what at the odds of a dentist finding a problem with your teeth?
That's the real worry too...
If I saw the right (wrong) specialist, I'm probably part narcissist, part psychopath, part extrovert, part introvert, part bisexual, part homophobic... and God knows what else. They'll dig enough to see a glimpse of what they want to see.

There's nothing wrong with saying she grew up with a sister who then transitioned and is now a male/ her brother.

See, this is the problem I have with this whole thing: If people don't collude in the lie (and it is a lie, there is no other way of looking at it) then they are being 'unsupportive', 'judgemental' and 'bigoted'.

The OPs sibling is not 'male' nor her 'brother' and never will be. Words have meaning.

It is your sibling's life and your sibling's choice what to do with it. They have every right to decide to transition. You don't have to like it or approve of it but you have no right to stand in their way.

You cannot change their decision, just your response to it. You can either support them and their choice or risk being cut out of their life.

One of my friends transitioned in his very early 20s and it was the best, but also hardest, decision of his life. He had always felt like he was in the wrong body and had always been very much a tomboy, adopted a gender neutral nickname and did everything they could to appear male throughout our teenage years.

His parents insisted it was just a phase and when he started the long road to transitioning they did everything in their power to try and dissuade him - including refusing to use his preferred pronouns, insisting on using his dead name and generally denying the fact it was happening.

In the end, as hard as it was for him to do, he had to cut contact entirely with his parents because they didn't support him. Whilst he was devastated to lose his parents he did the best thing for his own MH and transition journey.

He is now a happy 31 year old in a stable relationship and he and his partner adopted a child 2 years ago. His life has gone from strength to strength since he transitioned as he was finally happy in himself and has so much more confidence than I ever remember him having before his transition.

The OPs sibling is not 'male' nor her 'brother' and never will be. Words have meaning

So if the OPs sibling goes through their surgery, has their breasts removed, has a hysterectomy, has male genitalia formed, uses male pronouns, a male name and lives as a male, how exactly is it wrong to refer to them as such?

Words do have meaning. Some mean different things to different people. Some words change meaning over time. Language evolves and is not set in stone.

melj, well, there’s chromosomes for one thing...
Also it wouldn’t be enough for TRAs. The OPs sibling is a brother, has always been a brother. To suggest there was a change is transphobic.

Words do have meaning. Some mean different things to different people. Some words change meaning over time. Language evolves and is not set in stone.

So the words 'male' and 'female' can mean different things to different people? And you can't forsee any problems with that?

When Michael Jackson's skin colour changed, he was still considered a black artist.
The reasons for his skin colour change didn't really matter, it's not so relevant, but whilst he may have considered himself white (nothing wrong with that), you cannot expect the world to fall into line with you.

If it is the right for someone to live life 'as closely as a man' as possible, it is also the right of others to still consider them biological females isn't it?
A facsimile, however convincing is not the real thing.

I might change my name to Elvis, wear everything he did, act like he did, live as much of life in the manner he did, and be virtually impossible to tell part from him...

But I'm not Elvis.

Uh huh.

If you know someone who transitioned and it went well, that's great for them and you. My sister isn't guaranteed the same outcome. Not everyone who transitions is happy with that choice. Whole community of detransitionars out there. If they wanted to jump off a bridge or starve themselves to death I wouldn't be expected to smile and non

Words do have meaning. Some mean different things to different people. Some words change meaning over time. Language evolves and is not set in stone

Hmm. That is true to an extent. But when the words describe immutable physical conditions such as the condition of being male, the condition still exists, even if the word we use has come to mean something else. If 'Male' changes meaning to include females, it no longer means male, it means something else. Yet males still exist. So all we do is remove the capacity to accurately describe something, which is hardly helpful to anyone.

OP I’m sorry this is causing you such anguish. Is your sister a lesbian? A lot of young lesbians are under pressure from an unaccepting society and a hostile XGBT community. God knows I struggled enough 20 years ago when lesbians were just dirty and disgusting, but now we’re painted as positively evil, mainly for not wanting sex with males who identify as women.

OP I don’t know if it would help, and of course your sister might be straight, but if she’s not, or you suspect she isn’t, could you talk to her and gently tell her that you love her as who she is and you’ll support her whatever, but you think she should wait a few years before she acts.

I think I would have wanted to transition if things were as they are now back then. I was scared of being different, of not fitting in, and terrified that I might be a lesbian. I am, and I’m glad I am, but it was hard to come to terms with then. It’s amazing how much you change when you’re a young adult, I don’t think I really fully matured until I was in my mid/late 20s, and decisions you make at 18 can look very very bad 7 or 8 years down the track.

Anyway OP, I’m rushing here so sorry if this doesn’t make much sense, but good luck. It’s completely understandable that you’re worried, anybody would be, it’s just common sense. Can I suggest you look at Transgender Trend? You might find some helpful information and some good sound advice.