My sisters about to transition

[Moominfan]

I'm absolutely devastated. It's such a long term decision. They're only 18 and still figuring themselves out. Originally went to gp who forgot to do referral so it bought us some more time. She's now going down the private route and has an appointment Monday. I've really tried to keep my opinions to myself as didn't want them to feel they had to rebel against the rest of us. Was hoping life would distract them, driving lessons, travel, uni ect but their adamant they want to go through with it.

Have you considered therapy to help you deal with your feelings?

You have to remember - this isn’t about you, it’s about your sister. You have to accept their choice, and understand that they know themselves best and know what is right for them.

They are still the same person that you love. That hasn’t changed.

You have to remember - this isn’t about you, it’s about your sister. You have to accept their choice, and understand that they know themselves best and know what is right for them.

I agree that she has to let her sister make the decisions for herself. However, she does not have to be forced to join in with the lie that her sister has 'become male'.

erick

You wouldn't be suggesting that the OP is lying would you?

moomin

Really sorry that this is causing you distress, i agree with beer that although your sister has to make the decision for herself you dont have to join in with anything you feel uncomfortable with

Transition can be helpful to some im sure but there is a very high rate of detransitioners who are irreparably damaged so there needs to be a degree of caution

And be very careful of any suicide statistics people mention...the statistics are quite often wrong and the Samaritans have commented on how unhelpful this sort of information is

It's just the one sister. I don't know if they are gay. She's never had a relationship. I was hoping she would go to uni this year and get away from home, mix with different people and just grow into herself.

If they are at the beginning of their journey they need to spend a period of time living as their chosen gender and having therapy before they get access to drugs, surgery is far down the road. For some it is a passing phase, for others it's lifelong. Please respect them whilst offering them the option to opt back to their birth gender no questions asked - I love you unconditionally is a good starting point.

I know people who have transitioned and others who have changed their minds.

Not your body, not your life, not your choice. But if you don’t support him as one of the closest family members, you can be sure you’ll be making everything much, much harder.

Mumsnet is very anti trans, you must of known this when you posted? Support your sibling. It's the best, and right thing to do.

i understand your concern about your sibling OP. yes of course there is a chance it won't end up how they want..but there is also a chance it will make them happy. how they go about finding their happiness is up to them, even if you find it tough.
I agree with getting some help with your feelings about this, not because you are wrong to feel them, but because it will help your peace of mind. however this plays out.
i wish you both good luck.

as to whether its a 'lie' to call a transman a man, maybe it us, maybe it isn't. but what definitely is, is the kind thing to do. If that 'lie' makes your loved one happy, why would you not do it? how is it harming you in any way to tell that lie?

Ps autism and gender confusion are not linked, there's not even correlation let alone causation. My DD's autistic and she is quite aware of her gender, if anything females with asd can be promiscuous (she isn't but a friend of ours has this problem)

@anniehm, yes, i have met and know personally hundreds of autistic teens in the last 5 years, 2 of which are my children, and not one of them is gender confused. and yes, anecdotes aren't data, but i also happen to know around 2 dozen trans teens. none of which are on the spectrum.

He*

www.autism.org.uk/about/what-is/gender.aspx

Frankly, the only people I know in rl who are trans are all also autistic, but to be fair, that is anecdote. Anecdotally, it does seem to be a thing. Equally of course, I know lots of people who are on the autistic spectrum but not trans.

network.autism.org.uk/knowledge/insight-opinion/gender-dysphoria-and-autism-challenges-and-support

I am a bit over invested in this as it is my sister and her current obsession/influence of current friends. And so I am not massively objective, it has to be said

Because sometimes lying to avoid a short term unhappiness leads to long term more serious problems ?

Your sister has serious mental health issues, you want the very best for her. Can someone provide evidence that’s on the whole people who transistion actually benefit? Because many don’t. Suicide rates may not decline with transition. some transition back. Many women went through gender dysmorphia and grew out of it , and on the whole, these are the women now saying NO to easy access to hormonal and surgical transitions . Do their opinions of lived experiance have no weight?

Yes a good doctor will explore all options,. But often the trans community are encouraged to only talk to sympathetic doctors. If it’s a private doctor that is a risk

Consider other forms of body dysmorphia, like anorexia...where every effort is made to get the person to desist. Why is gender dysmorphia different?

I know someone who has been through this. I'm closer to their partner who they were married too. I'm respectful of their choice and us the correct terms when speaking of them. I don't understand it but it's not my place to question it. I want to be in their partners life so I support the choice made.
You have to make peace with this if you want to continue a relationship with your sibling x

Very interesting ISdads

Freinds of mine are going through very similar, just so very very hard for you

Sorry moomin

I really should have said that obviously you feel you need to be as supportive as possible

I think you can probably be wary of the changes but still support your sister

She will need you no matter what the eventual outcome

But you do need to look after yourself first

I'm really uncomfortable with the tone of this thread, with pp after pp suggesting therapy for the OP. As if she is wrong for being concerned

I don’t read it like that actually . It’s a
Major massive deal for OP too and having an impartial ear will massively help here

It’s might be a bit raw but when ready watch transparent on Netflix . It’s about a late in life transition but very well made. Might be too soon

You have natural concern given their age . Ask yourself how would you feel if they did this in 12 years time ? That might help x

I dunno ... i'm in that boat and it isn't massively helpful. Yes, sister is older, but she still has important mental health issues, lurches from crisis to crisis, one obsession to another etc. It isn't a big deal in some respects - clothes, names etc - but the push for surgery when she is, for example, a nightmare emotionally on the contraceptive pill, is not something I am ecstatic about. Who knows how that will end up? Sigh.

Ok, I better hide the thread now, it just gets too upsetting. I don't have the energy to support her through this, then the inevitable detransitioning.

Good luck op x

as to whether its a 'lie' to call a transman a man, maybe it us, maybe it isn't. but what definitely is, is the kind thing to do. If that 'lie' makes your loved one happy, why would you not do it? how is it harming you in any way to tell that lie?

If her sister had anorexia, the OP would not be obliged to lie and say 'yes, you are a fat cow'. In fact this would be seen as highly damaging.

But when it comes to an 18 year cutting off her perfectly healthy breasts, making herself irreversibly infertile, taking drugs that we still don't really know the long term effects of and possibly having horrific surgery on her arm to create a fake penis, it's all 'what harm does lying do'? In fact, it's 'kind'.

Tilly you state you don’t understand, just accept.

Can you also understand that as a women who went through gender dysmorphia, I find the current practise of support8ng transition horrific.

I feel that some people ( weak men, pharmaceutical companies, ultra religions groups, homophobes ) are encouraging this to sterilise and incapacitate gender non conform8ng women.

I think that if I was growing up today there is a good chance my life would be one of continual medicalisation, continual body dissatisfaction , continual mental health problems caused by my lack of acceptance of my physical reality.

Instead I have pushed boundaries for women. I have helped open up the workspace for women. I have helped change people’s minds about what a woman can do. Albeit in very small ways.