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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is really odd behaviour

354 replies

MelbaToast · 28/12/2018 01:40

Been with BF together a while now (about a year). The reason why I'm wondering this is because he has never invited me to his house. Ever. Our whole relationship has taken place from my house and a couple of bars in between our houses, which we go to once a month. He told me this was because he was doing work to his house. The other week I was really direct and asked him when he was going to invite me over and he said when the work is finished, ie, mid 2019. I've driven past his road a couple of times and there is scaffolding outside, so I do believe he's having work done. I just find it really odd that he wouldn't want to show me where he lives. He's also never introduced me to any of his friends (I'm digging my heels in with this one and not introducing him to any of my friends until he initiates).

I think my concern is that he has someone more serious that he doesn't want me to know about.

OP posts:
primoestate · 29/12/2018 13:08

Whoa. That's tough.
Thanks

Original poster
MelbaToast · 29/12/2018 13:08

I've blocked him already. I don't want to look her in the face at the moment. I'm thinking once school starts and the kids aren't there and bastard isn't around then I can do it. I should have done something sooner. The signs were there and I ignored them.

OP posts:
Original poster
MelbaToast · 29/12/2018 13:09

Just how do you tell someone you've been having sex with their husband?

OP posts:
giantnannyknickers · 29/12/2018 13:10

@MelbaToast shit are you ok?

I know your prob in shock right now, but does she really need to know?

Julianaa · 29/12/2018 13:13

That's awful, OP. Do you have some nice friends to do fun things with this week?

Original poster
MelbaToast · 29/12/2018 13:14

I don't know whether she needs to know. Part of me is saying leave it and move on. It's weird - I'm sad because it's over but it's not a surprise to me that he is married.

OP posts:
Original poster
MelbaToast · 29/12/2018 13:16

Yes, I've got lots of people around me. I don't want to tell them what a scumbag he is as for the past year I've been saying how I have a lovely new man.

OP posts:
DisplayPurposesOnly · 29/12/2018 13:17

Poor you, this is awful.

I do think you should tell her but obviously that's up to you.

I wonder where he told her he was every Monday and Friday evening.

Original poster
MelbaToast · 29/12/2018 13:18

I'm going to the gym now. I need to get some of this anger out of my system.

OP posts:
Greenkit · 29/12/2018 13:21

MelbaToast Sat 29-Dec-18 13:09:18

Just how do you tell someone you've been having sex with their husband?

But you didn't know, you weren't 'the other woman' because you truly believed you were the only woman. He has totally used you Flowers

rabbitfoodadvocate · 29/12/2018 13:21

Please tell her! I would certainly want to know.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. He told you he was single, you believed him. She deserves the chance to move on like you are going to.

Tilikum · 29/12/2018 13:28

Sorry to hear he's a cheating shithead. Flowers

You could give the wife screenshots of your conversations with him, pictures of you together and evidence of the concerts you went to together so she can check against her calendar and know the truth. If he's been cheating with you he's probably been with other women too so she (and you) might want to get tested for STIs.

Holidayshopping · 29/12/2018 13:32

Do you know for sure it’s his wife and their children? The kids might not be his. Not that it really matters, I guess.

I would tell whoever she is though-I’d want to know if it was me.

Petalflowers · 29/12/2018 13:41

Are you sure they are his wife and kids?

Sorry to hear it has ended up,like this.

Look after yourself.

Escolar · 29/12/2018 13:48

Sorry OP Sad

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 29/12/2018 13:59

Been here unfortunately. Sorry OP. You’ve dodged a bullet though, which you’ll soon realise.

TeddybearBaby · 29/12/2018 14:08

So sorry to hear his. Look after yourself. You must have had such a shock x

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 29/12/2018 14:10

Oh dear - sorry that it turns out that he's been lying to you for a year but glad you've found out now. Shit time of year for it, of course, but you're free now to start the new year without this douchebag hanging around.

Whether or not to tell the woman you saw - who almost certainly IS his wife, even if there are other possibilities - well that's up to you, and I'd drop her a note rather than anything else. He's likely to do the same thing again.

Original poster
MelbaToast · 29/12/2018 14:23

At a push it could be his sister seeing as I know he has one but given his behaviour I doubt it. I'll be okay. I think I knew this relationship was over before I took this action and that has helped. I will tell her but not now. He'll be defensive at the moment.

OP posts:
spugzbunny · 29/12/2018 14:29

If he read the message and didn't reply instantly saying it was his sister then it isn't I'm afraid. I'm so sorry OP. He's the wanker in this situation.

SymphonyofShadows · 29/12/2018 14:31

I’d tell her. Did you meet through needing a plumber? This is probably his pick up technique.

Doghorsechicken · 29/12/2018 14:32

So sorry OP, you should probably tell her when you’re ready. I’d certainly want to know what my husband was doing instead of playing happy families for the rest of my naive life. Bless you, hope you’re ok!

LonginesPrime · 29/12/2018 14:33

Sorry OP - at least you know now though and have saved yourself from wasting any more time of energy on him Thanks

If it were his sister, he would have told you that straight away - the fact he didn't bother to reply says all you need to know.

Poppylizzyrose · 29/12/2018 14:34

So Sorry op, I predicted the double life and I’m sad to be correct.

At least yours had decent friends. Mines were all in on it and I met them all. They all had partners they cheated on and had injokes. My ex friend whose still with him can live with that horrible sinking feeling that things aren’t quite right...he’s cheating on her with his ex, same ex he had double life with me with. It’s horrible being the ow unknowingly and being the main woman.

Good luck op! Your lucky it was only a year and you didn’t lose friend too. My situation took a long time to get past.

Please do tell the wife, even if they get past it and she forgives she deserves to know nicely so she can get her ducks in a row.

Nanna50 · 29/12/2018 14:35

What did the land registry deeds say about house ownership?

Having said that my sister owns her house and I don't think her DH is on the deeds so even if it is just his name on the deeds I'm not sure it would prove anything.

I'm sure social media and the electoral role would be more reliable.