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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is really odd behaviour

354 replies

MelbaToast · 28/12/2018 01:40

Been with BF together a while now (about a year). The reason why I'm wondering this is because he has never invited me to his house. Ever. Our whole relationship has taken place from my house and a couple of bars in between our houses, which we go to once a month. He told me this was because he was doing work to his house. The other week I was really direct and asked him when he was going to invite me over and he said when the work is finished, ie, mid 2019. I've driven past his road a couple of times and there is scaffolding outside, so I do believe he's having work done. I just find it really odd that he wouldn't want to show me where he lives. He's also never introduced me to any of his friends (I'm digging my heels in with this one and not introducing him to any of my friends until he initiates).

I think my concern is that he has someone more serious that he doesn't want me to know about.

OP posts:

kateandme · 28/12/2018 03:26

after a year is all you do is hang out with eachother.no social time out with you and ur mates/family?

selepele · 28/12/2018 03:33

I recently went through this for around a year with someone who I never knew where he lived but I did meet all his friends

I think he lived at his parents and was ashamed but the lies is what got me he lied for a year rather then say he lives at home which I wouldn’t of cared about

I would consider your options here the friends thing is off

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/12/2018 03:51

Sounds like he's got another partner, sorry.

WhiteDust · 28/12/2018 04:15

Something isn't right... how much have you seen him over Christmas? What are his plans for New Year?

VladmirsPoutine · 28/12/2018 04:31

After a year you haven't met any of his friends or been to his house?

That's frankly bizarre. Get out now.

GumWouldBePerfection · 28/12/2018 07:38

This happened to me years ago. Turned out my "boyfriend" was living with his wife.

UserName31456789 · 28/12/2018 08:22

Yes that's vey weird. The work being done would explain why he wouldn't invite you over at the start of the relationship but not once you've been together a year. I wouldn't be happy to be kept separate from the rest of his life whatever the reason.

Bluesheep8 · 28/12/2018 08:25

He doesn't even live there. How big is the house? Does it look as though one person would live there or is it family sized? Actually I think this is suspect in either case. As a pp said, was he with you all day on Christmas day? What are his new year plans? Can you contact him on a landline?

Jigglyjugs · 28/12/2018 08:27

This happened to me, he had just bought a house and was in the process of renovating - ok fine. He'd send me pictures of the updates. Still no invite despite saying 'I can't wait to have you over!' He had a girlfriend whom he bought the property with.
I found out by looking at the land registry.

ThanosSavedMe · 28/12/2018 08:28

I also think he’s married. It’s the not meeting any friends and family after a year as well as the house.

madeyemoodysmum · 28/12/2018 08:35

Sit outside and watch at work leaving times or school run if you think he may have kids.

Pompombears2 · 28/12/2018 08:35

Just to put another perspective.. when I first started seeing my now DH, we used to meet in lay-by's near his house!!! and then I'd follow him in the car to a pub he knew or a park or someone else where we'd then spend the day!!! (We lived in different towns so I didn't know the area). I used to think it all felt v dodgy, but I really liked him so just went along with it. I dropped hints about wanting to see his flat but he avoided. Eventually I basically insisted I come. Turns out he was just really really embarrassed about the state of his flat! It was a bit grotty and in need of the feminine touch! But I didn't care and wish he hadn't felt so ashamed of it! He really needn't have!! It's not about the place you live, but the person you are that matters! ...

Anyway, we've now been married nearly 10 years! Have a very nice house (which I keep tidy!! ;) !!), 2 DC, and we couldn't be happier!!

Glad I persevered through the weirdness of the lay-by liaisons!!!!

musicalxo · 28/12/2018 08:39

Agree with PPs. Sounds like a double life. You two have been together for a year and he still haven't introduced you to his friends and family? Red flag. I would be suspicious. Could you just pop up to his place one day and see what happens?

Whisky2014 · 28/12/2018 08:42

All in all it sounds like a shit relationship. Never going out and meeting friends? Same pub once a month. How thrilling.

Angrybird345 · 28/12/2018 08:55

Get a friend to knock on the door when he’s st work and see who answers!! Think it’s dodgy.

billybagpuss · 28/12/2018 09:01

If I was doing up a house I’d talk about very little else and want to show my friends every little bit of progress. There would be a thread on here ‘my do won’t shut up about her renovation should I LTB’

I think Id trust your gut here

RebootYourEngine · 28/12/2018 09:08

It doesn't sound great.
I would insist on going to his house.

ApproachingATunnel · 28/12/2018 09:20

I bet he doesn’t even live in the house with the scaffolding outside. Or in that area.
More info is needed:

Is he unavailable most weekends
Do you know what his work is/where he works?
Have you seen any evidence to support the claims he works as xyz (e.g. a laptop in a bag etc if he claims to be a programmer; some briefcase with documents for accountant, that kid of thing)
Is he secretive with his phone/bag
Does he ever talk about ppl in his life, e.g. work colleagues, brothers, sisters, friends? Exs?
Do you pay for a lot of your activities?

It is dodgy, he either has family or pretends to be someone he is not (e.g. pretends to have great career and live in a nice part of town whilst actually living in a box room).

Isleepinahedgefund · 28/12/2018 09:35

I had a brief relationship with someone who never invited me to his house. There was no other woman etc - it turned out that he was a complete tight arse who would rather come to mine and eat my food, drink my drinks, use my WiFi and heat and electricity, etc etc than have to pay out for it a his. He must have saved himself a fortune in utilities alone!

Anyway, whatever the reason, it’s odd behaviour and personally I’d run a mile. As a PP said, trust your gut - something is off.

Racecardriver · 28/12/2018 09:54

Look up whole owns the house on the land registry.

Original poster

MelbaToast · 28/12/2018 10:08

I know it's his house because I saw his amazing account once and memorised the address.

We have been to a couple of concerts in London but other than that it is the same places over and over. Over Christmas he has been staying with his brother (apparently) and he called me every day. He's back now so seeing him this evening and he's around now until the end if the holidays. I am planning on going to his house and knocking on the door. Yes, Marcipex if a woman answers I'll pretend I'm looking for someone else. I'm not in the market for destroying someone else's relationship.

OP posts:

IdblowJonSnow · 28/12/2018 10:17

Good luck op! Sounds odd but hope he doesn't turn out to be married or in another relationship.

WhiteDust · 28/12/2018 10:17

Do you meet up far away from his home address?

ApproachingATunnel · 28/12/2018 10:21

Do come back to let us know who answered the door... im very curious! :)

Santaisonthesherry · 28/12/2018 10:23

Why is he only around til the end of the holidays? Where then?

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