Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this is really odd behaviour

354 replies

MelbaToast · 28/12/2018 01:40

Been with BF together a while now (about a year). The reason why I'm wondering this is because he has never invited me to his house. Ever. Our whole relationship has taken place from my house and a couple of bars in between our houses, which we go to once a month. He told me this was because he was doing work to his house. The other week I was really direct and asked him when he was going to invite me over and he said when the work is finished, ie, mid 2019. I've driven past his road a couple of times and there is scaffolding outside, so I do believe he's having work done. I just find it really odd that he wouldn't want to show me where he lives. He's also never introduced me to any of his friends (I'm digging my heels in with this one and not introducing him to any of my friends until he initiates).

I think my concern is that he has someone more serious that he doesn't want me to know about.

OP posts:
Reflexella · 30/12/2018 19:06

Well done for doing the right thing no matter how difficult.

There should be a secret volunteer task force outing complete shits like this.

✋ I’m game

wavesmax · 30/12/2018 20:53

I think deep down I still have feelings for him.

You have feelings for the person you thought he was.

You deserve someone genuine and honest, give yourself a breather and you will find someone who will treat you respectfully x

BumbleBeee69 · 30/12/2018 21:09

Of course you have feelings for him still?! This only happened a few days ago, you’ll still be in shock too OP.

Banana8080 · 30/12/2018 21:11

Exact same thing happened to my friend....the guy had two separate lives, her and his married life. I’m very sorry.

No2palmoil · 30/12/2018 21:19

I'm exhausted with my one life how do these absolute nobbers manage it??

I'm sorry Melba it's fine to grieve what you thought you had. As others have said he kind to yourself you were a victim here.

LaBelleSauvage · 30/12/2018 22:02

Hi Melba,
I'm so sorry for all of this.
Just wanted to say you did the right thing, and you were really brave

Donkdonkgoo · 31/12/2018 00:25

So sorry OP, I'm glad you have friends and family to help you through this.

This is why I'm still single! My husband had an affair, divorced him 10 years ago and everyman I've dated since has seriously let me down one way or another but mostly by being dishonest/other women, I've been single now for two years and I'm keeping it that way... I've lost faith in men completely and I'm afraid to say I have a really low opinion of men too. Even the tradesmen that come to the house to do jobs for me are full of shit! I can't see how my opinion will ever change. 😕

ilovekale · 31/12/2018 22:54

OP I've just caught up. Wow you have handled this brilliantly and with dignity. Now get yourself together and onwards and upwards from here. Hugs

Apileofballyhoo · 01/01/2019 00:34

Just saying HNY, Melba.

Sciencemum70 · 01/01/2019 15:38

My brother has done this to three different women. They all fell for it. He was married to the first and had a child. He then went on to move in wth the second and have a child. Cheated with the third while telling her he lived alone. She never went to his house. Got her pregnant the week his second girlfriend was having his baby. I am nc with him as his behaviour towards these women and their children is foul. You really should check your boyfriend out properly, if for no other reason but to put your mind at rest, My brother is charming, good looking and utterly without morals. Check your boyfriend out.

PerverseConverse · 01/01/2019 15:53

@Sciencemum70 you're about 2 days too late to the thread Grin He's married, living a double wife, OP has told the wife and blocked him.

MelbaToast · 01/01/2019 22:11

New year, new me. I'm feeling more positive with every day that passes.

OP posts:
HannahnotAgnes · 01/01/2019 22:14

Well done Op.

MelbaToast · 01/01/2019 22:15

Donkdonkgoo - I refuse to give up on men altogether. I believe there are nice men out there even if they are hard to find. I'm too young to give up on men altogether.

OP posts:
ScrumptiousBears · 01/01/2019 22:26

I've just seen this OP and what a roller coaster. Sorry it's happened to you. Some men are utter shits.

Donkdonkgoo · 01/01/2019 23:21

Melbatoast.... I really hope your right, I used to feel positive about finding a good one, but as each year passes I lose a bit more hope ... I'm on year 10 of trying to find one since my divorce 😕

browneyes77 · 02/01/2019 07:58

@Donkdonkgoo think of it this way. There are men out there who’ve had the same bad luck as you with women they’ve dated. We know that not all women are like the ones they’ve dated don’t we? We know there are good women out there, we are friends with some of these good women, so we know they exist. We are these good women! We wouldn’t want men to write off all females because of their bad experiences with a few.

You can see from these boards that women have managed to meet decent men, so they do exist. Don’t give up hope just yet Flowers

@Melbatoast - you’re doing really well!

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 02/01/2019 09:04

I’ve just read this thread again and Melba you were certainly right when you said all the signs were there. They really were. It’s so odd that after a year of dating this man you stuck to a pretty rigid pattern of Mondays and fridays with very few overnighters. Yes it’s possible he could have had to work on Sats but you say yourself, he had last Saturday evening earmarked for seeing friends. If he’s too tired to make time for you after a busy day at work (which he also does on Mons and Fris by the way, so that makes no sense) why on earth would he be up for seeing friends? Especially when he spent no time with you over Christmas. Christmas Eve was a Monday. Did he come over then? What about the Friday when you started this thread? I’m assuming not.

So your twice weekly booty visits have been pretty easy to postpone when he can’t fit them around a busy week yet he has time on the Saturday between Christmas and NY to see friends. What about NYE, what did he tell you his plans were then?

Also it’s odd that you didn’t know of his Christmas plans until one week before Christmas. After a whole year, you didn’t discuss Christmas with him earlier? Confused

I’m getting the feeling that you’ve always placed much more importance on this ‘relationship’ than he did, and wife or no wife, he saw you as a casual FWB, no strings and no discussions about moving things forward to the point where he actually has to behave like part of a proper couple.

I think your willingness to accept this from him for so long has made it really easy for him to lie to you. Anyone wanting a casual affair that’s easy to keep a secret must thank their lucky stars when the meet someone so gullible and so content to accept crumbs and ask no questions. Or at least not push harder, sooner on the things that just don’t add up.

I suppose my message to you and anyone else who calls someone their ‘boyfriend’ or ‘partner’ when their relationship looks like this, is even if he were not married, and not lying to you, a man who keeps you at arms length for so long and compartmentalises you from the rest of his life is NEVER going to marry you. NEVER going to move in with you. NEVER going to decide to get more serious. Never going to grant you full access to his family and his friends. Because you are nothing more than a minor distraction/comfortable habit until someone more important comes along.

gingerrubber · 02/01/2019 11:46

alright @KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin no need to put the boot in, she's already had a tough time!!!

BumbleBeee69 · 02/01/2019 13:49

KirstyAllsopFatterTwin is everyone WIFE huh Hmm

BumbleBeee69 · 02/01/2019 13:49

Is THE WIFE EVEN

No2palmoil · 02/01/2019 21:25

Maybe this worked for Melba Kirsty not everyone needs to be living in their partners pocket and like to have their own time to do the things they want. I actually wish I could only see my husband on Monday's and Fridays my life would be a hell of a lot easier. I don't recall her talking about living or marriage but I might be wrong although she did mention not meeting his friends and that being a sticking point.

Your post was really harsh considering you have no real knowledge of the situation except from a pretty short thread on mumsnet.

MelbaToast · 04/01/2019 00:18

KirsryAllsop - if you're really interested then I'm happy to tell you why I was happy with this arrangement for so long. The reason is because I work really unsociable hours, in a really unsociable job and they are my o nights / days off. I was the one that initially suggested this arrangement. Also, after 40 odd years on this planet I'm independent and know that I don't want a man who is demanding to see me every free second I have. I hope this clears matters up for you sufficiently.

OP posts:
Tweety1981 · 04/01/2019 00:20

Is he embarrassed about how he lives . Maybe he’s struggling

WithAllIntenseAndPurposes · 04/01/2019 00:23

Ffs tweety why contribute to a thread without bloody reading it 🤦‍♀️