Not helping my 5 year old

[paige789]

I've recently had a baby so have starting being strict with my son.
He's 5 and a half and in the mornings I get up and make him breakfast and that's it everything els he does himself like putting tv on, getting dressed, brushing hair, cleaning face and doing his hair etc. am I right to encourage him to do these things for himself ? What does everyone else's 5 year old do ?

Congrats on the new baby!

I don't think it's unreasonable to operate with a light touch if DS has shown you that he is capable of getting himself ready for the day independently. But do make sure that you are in a position to respond if he needs you - otherwise he will feel crowded out by the new baby, and rightly so.

How does DS get to school, out of interest?

I don't think the right time to make a sudden move towards independence is when you 've just had a baby. It will just make him feel pushed out.

I've no issue with those things being encouraged at 5, or 4, or 6, but this is about timing.

Thank you xx
I started preparing him a while before the baby was born and he knows I will always help. Until I started encouraging him to do things himself he was constantly asking me to do everything and wasn't even trying to do things. I'm now showing him how to make a drink himself etc and just wondering if that's reasonable ? Because if I'm busy in the exact moment he wants a drink surely it would he easier for him to make it himself.
I walk him to school and pick him up everyday.

Basically he's a very lazy child and would rather just ask me than do it himself.
I started this around 6 months ago but have started encouraging more things recently. My baby is 3 weeks and I've explained why I need him to do things for himself a bit more because I would rather him feel confident to do things if I can't do it etc

Yes I'd expect a 5 yr old to dress themselves etc, though starting to ask it the same point as introducing baby sibling into the mix could need delicate handling - you don't want him blaming baby for him being left without help.

Hair depends on how long, from 4 or so we expected DD to brush it but helped her with ponytail, at 6 she mostly does her own but it's quite messy. DS has short hair and never brushes it, but nor do we.

Also not sure about giving 5 yr old permission to turn the TV on - isn't there a danger he'll do that bit first and the rest won't happen?

I would expect to be doing a fair amount of directing operations, particularly if doing stuff himself is new.

DS is 5 as be can do everything on a morning with cues but I still do his teeth. He's quite independent though.

Why have you started being strict with your son just as you had a baby.

Surely now is the time to indulge him and include him in everything than pushing him out

Why have you not read my other comments before commenting 😴😴

I don’t think now is the right time to push it at all. It’s not unusual for an older sibling to regress when a baby comes along. I’d build up being a big boy with associated treats like being such a big boy who can fetch his own drink, so you can choose what tv programme to watch or get an extra treat/snack. Maybe link him doing more for himself with a reward chart and he can get recognition for his changes and “hard work”.

The issue isn't my son feeling left out because trust me that is not the case if anything we spend more time as a family now as I make an extra effort it's just doing things for himself to not only help me but to help him in the long run. I'm just wondering if I'm being too hard on him or not which it appears other 5 year olds can do things for themselves. He fully understands I need him to do things for himself obviously having a young baby I can't have him asking me to do things that he is fully capable of doing himself

I did read your comments. You were pregnant when you started this and it does sound like you are expecting more of him just because you have a baby.

Babies and a 5 year old are not that difficult you can look after both if you choose.

Your 5 year old isnt lazy. He is just being a 5 year old who has been told by his mum thst as a new sibling was on the horizon he would have to do everything himself.

Look at life from his POV

That all sounds fine. Mine were doing most things for themselves at that age. Like you said, it's not like he can't ask if he needs help. You are right there with him. Kids enjoy being independent - good that you are helping him to go in that direction.

I was still dressing Ds at that age because if I didn’t he would take 45 minutes just to put his pants on

Well or depends on how well he's coping. If he is clean, properly dressed and in school on time it's fine. What happens if he doesn't / didn't do those things right or quick enough?

The rule in our house is that if it's something you could probably do for yourself, you have to give it one good try. Not a token effort; a GOOD try. Then, if you can't do it, you may ask for help.

(Does not apply to things obviously beyond a child's skill. For example, DSD used to ask for help pouring a glass of milk when we had just opened a brand-new gallon jug. It was too heavy for her to lift alone. Once it was less full she could lift it easily and pour her own.)

Mine did all that at 5. Except putting the tv on in the mornings. We still operate a no screens til you're totally ready for school policy. So long as you keep up the chat with him as he is doing stuff it's fine.

He’s not lazy. He has the executive functions of a five year old. There is a big difference. Sure - he can do it but he’ll get distracted and not quite see why the rush. I did read what you said, but regardless of when you started this, I would have an extremely light touch for the next 6 months. Having a new sibling is a seismic event in a child’s life and he will regress. I take it you’re still brushing his teeth?

My oldest is 5 and will get himself dressed with prompting but I do his teeth and hair. He doesn’t know how to turn the tv on but will help with getting his bowl and spoon out for breakfast. I have 2 younger children as well (4 and almost 2) and expecting number 4 any day.

It's fine.

My 5 year old gets his own drinks, and makes himself the occasional sandwich. he mostly dresses himself, and helps cooking (cutting soft vegetables, stirring etc).

It’s fine. My friend had to dress her ds at this age but most children can do it themselves. All sensible things to encourage him to do.

Your 5 yo isn’t lazy, he’s little. By all means encourage him to do some things himself but always be ready to step in and help.

The phrases you’re using such as being strict and he is lazy make you sound very harsh. Hoping it is in the phrasing rather than reality.

I'm sorry but he defiantly is very lazy hence why I needed to sort it out. He would call me to pass him something that's in the same room as him. I didn't just start this because I was pregnant I was genuinely concerned that he wasn't trying to do things himself and that he would end up very dependent on people.
Just to clarify I let him watch tv for 30-45minutes before he gets ready, I call him at 8am and knows to get ready then and I give him 25 mins to get himself ready and he knows he has a time limit so we are not late. Previously it would take him half a hour to put on 1 sock and I would end up moaning at him and then we would both end up stressed. I'm not asking because I have a baby it's nothing to do with that and my son likes to do things for himself now I'm just asking if it's reasonable

A five year old isn't lazy, they are an infant child who need caring for.

You may justify this however you want but from his point of view his parents have got all strict and are making him do everything as the new baby is here and takes priority.