Not helping my 5 year old

[paige789]

I've recently had a baby so have starting being strict with my son.
He's 5 and a half and in the mornings I get up and make him breakfast and that's it everything els he does himself like putting tv on, getting dressed, brushing hair, cleaning face and doing his hair etc. am I right to encourage him to do these things for himself ? What does everyone else's 5 year old do ?

He’s still very little you know. 5 is much closer to a baby than a teen. My 10 yo dd doesn’t like to fetch things herself or do stuff for herself if she can avoid it. Some children are like that. She’s far from lazy.

I really hope you don’t tell your ds he’s lazy. That’s unkind and will be self fulfilling.

He fully understands I need him to do things for himself obviously having a young baby I can't have him asking me to do things that he is fully capable of doing himself

I'm not asking because I have a baby it's nothing to do with that

So...is it because of the new baby or isn't it?

My just turned 5 year old does all this herself anyway although I do finish her teeth off for her after she’s brushed them to make sure they’re done properly.
I’m 35 weeks pregnant and am currently teaching my 3 year old to do all this for herself to make it easier for everyone after the birth! She’s happy to be considered a big girl. Obviously I’ll still help where needed but in general she is able to do most of it herself.

You’re not really asking though, are you? From your follow up posts you have already decided & are justifying your decision to those who offer a different perspective. Your son, your decision so just own it.

@SendintheArdwolves it's not because of the baby no
But like I said what's the point of him asking me to do something for him that he can do himself regardless of baby or not.

He’s not lazy. He has the executive functions of a five year old. There is a big difference. Sure - he can do it but he’ll get distracted and not quite see why the rush. I did read what you said, but regardless of when you started this, I would have an extremely light touch for the next 6 months. Having a new sibling is a seismic event in a child’s life and he will regress. I take it you’re still brushing his teeth?

This.

@Musicalmistress I have decided yes but i am asking if it's reasonable and I'm asking what other 5 years old can do

He’s 5 so I assume he’s at school? Which means he’ll be getting himself changed for PE, getting his own lunch in the dining hall etc. I’m sure he’s capable of doing these things at home too!

While I agree that a 5yo should be more than capable of getting themself ready, I would be more open to a little babying when a new sibling has just arrived. I think it is very common for older siblings to want some of the same care as a baby in order to check they are still loved as much.

@Longtalljosie he defiantly is generally a lazy child yes I live with him I know what he's like, and he's not phased by his sister I'm still able to help him and do everything for him if I wanted too but I don't I want him to be independent. No I'm not brushing his teeth he has an electric tooth brush and a timer and enjoys doing it himself I normally brush mine at the same time and watch him. My issue is where 5 year olds should be and a lot of people have stated there 5 years old can do it all. No issue with the baby she sleeps all morning I'm more talking about that I have more to do like clean bottles and make a bag and get myself ready

@Stompythedinosaur he's not like this he loves being a big brother and knowing he's the older child and likes responsibility but again I'm not asking that

I think it's fine. But completely ready before the telly goes on is a golden rule. Good luck OP.

He is all capable of doing but in your words you are strict with him about doing it all and I would be wary about being strict when you have a new baby. I have a 5 year old and a 8 month old and sometimes the 5 year old would say he could not do something or he was too little and that was just because he was struggling with a new baby and having to be a big boy all the time. He did not need help, he just wanted it. 5 year olds can still struggle with siblings and if he sees you with the baby all morning while making him do every thing alone, he could resent it.

what's the point of him asking me to do something for him that he can do himself regardless of baby or not

OK, you are thinking "why would my son ask me to do something he could do himself - the only explanation must be to that he is LAZY".

But in fact, the reasons children ask for help with things they are capable of doing is because small children NEED the attention and interaction of the adults around them. It's not just a preference, or a desire, it is an actual need. So if a child feels that the attention and interaction of the adults around him is wavering, he or she will attempt to get it any way they can.

Asking for help with tasks is a good "first attempt" that kids make. If that is ineffective, they will move to other strategies - being naughty or destructive, toilet regression, illnesses, etc.

You have to understand that children have a very profound need for adult attention. Evolutionarily, it is literally life or death.

So I understand that now you have a baby, you have less attention and time for your existing child - to you, it seems a no brainer that now your son has to be a lot more independent. But to him, this is not an upgrade.

My kids could and did get themselves washed and dressed at 5, yes.

You can see why everyone is commenting on it being because of the baby surely paige789 - your very first sentence was "I've recently had a baby so have started being strict with my son" .

It's impossible to be clearer about the fact you've made the change because of having a baby.

I obviously didn't explain brilliantly, I haven't made the change because of the baby I made the change so he could do things for himself and be more independent which would also help me when I had the baby. I don't see the issue there if anything he's happier now he's doing it himself and I've haven't told him off at all since doing this. It used to be every single morning and then he would cry about walking to school ( oh wait that's not lazy) since having baby he's been brilliant and got ready and walked to school no problem and we've generally had a better relationship so everyone saying he's suffering he's not, he's now a lot more independent and happy.

The very first line of your post says
I've recently had a baby so have starting being strict with my son.
You're trying to backtrack on that now you see it's not a popular approach. Try and teach him some independence by all means but don't make him feel like he's not your baby anymore because he's been replaced.

@Oysterbabe I just wanted to state I've had a baby so I don't want to be doing simple things he can do himself but again that's not to issue!!!

I don't see the issue there if anything he's happier now he's doing it himself

OK....so what's your problem? If your DS is delighted with the new routine and it's all going swimmingly, then what is your AIBU?

The most important thing is that you PRAISE him for his efforts. It may seem silly to keep praising him for something that he can now do automatically but it really makes a difference. He has had a huge change in his life. Notice and mention all the behaviour that you want to see more of. Appreciate your helpful and sensible big boy otherwise he might regress. He’s still very young. He needs praise as much as he needs sleep and food. Probably more. However counter-intuitive it feels, however much you might think it shouldn’t be necessary, do it anyway. It will pay dividends for you, as well as him.

@GetOffTheTableMabel yes I do he knows I've proud of him for doing it himself and gets his pocket money.

Because I wanted to know if I was being to hard on him and asking too much but now the helpful comments have told me that 5 year old are capable of doing the same I know that's no issue.

I think not doing things is one of the best things a parent can do for their child.

putting tv on, getting dressed, brushing hair, cleaning face and doing his hair

My 4 yo can do all those things and usually does them herself. My input is generally help with difficult buttons and a bit of general chivying along.

My 5 year old has dyspraxia so struggles with some of the motor skills and struggles desperately with sequencing the order of things when it comes to dressing.

She's still expected (with the aid of lists we have around the place to remind her to actually put her pants on before her clothes) to make a decent attempt at getting her clothes on - I put them into a basket for both kids the night before and they get their basket with their clothes and get themselves dressed. Generally it requires a bit of adult help to tidy her up so she looks presentable and not like she's just brawled her way through the school uniform aisle in Asda - but the bulk of it she does herself (we'll sort out tricky buttons etc).

I do hair but she's a girl with long hair and that would be a disaster otherwise. They also both (I have a 6 year old as well) tend to get their breakfast cutlery and bowls out ready for someone to help them pour cereal and milk into them (or that one would end up in carnage) and both are capable of getting the telly on and onto cbeebies if needs be - but I try to only do TV once they're dressed and ready for school or we end up walking around with our pants on our head staring at the telly screen.

Mine have a list of what they need to have done (mainly to help the 5 year old's poor sequencing skills) before they can watch TV or play on the laptop or get drawing stuff out or whatever - and then they need to have whatever they're doing tidied away 10 minutes before we leave to allow for time to get coats on etc. Works pretty well - but I've always brought them up to be very independent and the 6 year old in particular thrives on independence and responsibility.

Yanbu. Independence builds confidence.

Bloody hell, please don't label your five year old child as lazy, for doing things that are entirely developmentally appropriate for his age

My nearly eight year old still moans about walking to school. He's not lazy, he's just bright enough to figure out that going in the car is warmer and less effort... (obv we do still walk as much as possible).