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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Passive-aggressive school mum

131 replies

Usernamed · 19/09/2018 11:18

I did not know where to put this thread - so may not be in the right place.

There is a Mum in our friendship group (our DDs all play together at school), who I knew from my DDs nursery days. We are always friendly and cordial to each other's faces when we speak, but I have a strong vibe that she does not like me. I find her quite passive-aggressive towards me in the class WhatsApp group we are all on, and she can sometimes ignore or shun me on occasions in public.

This morning, for instance, she wrote a message about her DD crying before school for a silly reason. I read the tone of the message as being quite humorous. Like she was joking about it. She asked a question to the group, so I answered it, beginning my response with LOL and mentioning how funny it was, but also a stressful situation.

Then she replies with a serious tone, as if the child was really upset. All the other Mums then sympathised. I did not misread the tone of her first message - this kind of thing happens a lot - where she responds (only to my messages), in a way that makes me look foolish. I believe this is gaslighting.

It sounds little, and as if I could have misinterpreted it, but it happens too often for me to be misreading this negative vibe I get from her. It's only towards me.

Nothing has happened between us, that could have led to dislike me. I feel it's as if she's just taken a dislike for no reason. I get on well with all the other Mums, but I' so uncomfortable around her.

Anyone experienced this?

OP posts:
Subtlecheese · 19/09/2018 11:20

Anyone needy enough to be pa needs treating at distance, smile and wave. Do not engage in text or written communications and spend the rest of the time (face to face) as polite non conversation. Sit on your discomfort and don't engage

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 19/09/2018 11:21

There is always a Queen Bee.
Ime removing yourself from the what's app chat is the way forward.
You really don't need that sort of shit in your life.

Mommasoph30 · 19/09/2018 11:24

stop replying first, and let her get on with being a drama queen

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 19/09/2018 11:25

Smile and say hello but don't respond again to her personally on the WhatsApp group.

Pressuredrip · 19/09/2018 11:25

Yes I know a mum exactly like this. So subtle you can't prove it to anyone. I wouldn't quit the WA group, but just do not engage in any of her posts if possible.

Returnofthesmileybar · 19/09/2018 11:27

Yep stop replying to her

elQuintoConyo · 19/09/2018 11:30

Don't reply. At all. Smile and nod and talk about the weather when you see her.

Who cares what has made her PA towards you. If she is PA, tell her to fuck off ignore and move on. Easier said than done, but really just move on.

As for these whatsapp groups, after a couple of weeks just announce on the group that you have too many groups on your whastapp and are deleting some/all.

It's so FREEING Grin

SummerStrong · 19/09/2018 11:31

I agree, don't reply to her in the group anymore. Smile and be polite when spoken to but don't go out of your way to make conversation with her. Don't, whatever you do, talk to anyone else in the group about her otherwise you'll look like you're the one causing trouble. Maintain the moral high ground.

In my experience when someone seems to dislike you for no apparent reason, it is usually jealousy.

Shake it off!

JayoftheRed · 19/09/2018 11:39

Either leave the group, or just ignore her messages. Don't answer her queries, let someone else do it. Don't comment on her "humourous" posts.

If she contacts you directly then reply, but in my experience, these groups are rarely specific, the questions are general and people can reply or not as they see fit.

It would be a shame to lose out on all the rest of the communications, unless you're not bothered by them.

Ozbarbie · 19/09/2018 11:47

Usernamed...

I can completely empathisise with you. Dealing with some school mums can be a harrowing experience!

I've learnt to be polite, smile and wave and say hello, but I don't socialise with any of them anymore. It's better that way and have scaled back my level of involvement.

Perhaps you need to do this to some degree and not read too much into it. If she doesn't like you, who cares at the end of the day. You know who your true friends are and it's probably not the school mums!

Juells · 19/09/2018 11:49

All good advice in this thread. It's a sneaky kind of bullying, so don't react to anything she posts or says.

Original poster
Usernamed · 19/09/2018 11:52

Thank you for these responses. I feel like such a fool for replying to her message - I should have known better. I will just not reply in future. I guess part of me replies because I'm still hoping we are friends, but I think it's time to give up.

I won't leave the class WhatsApp because it's very useful for general school info and all the Mums from the school class are on it.

The jealousy thing is weird. I also wondered if that was the case. But I can't see what she has to be jealous of. She is very well-off, has a lovely big house and a good job. On the other hand, I am a stay at home Mum and not very well off financially! We live in a relatively small house. I turn up to the school run with no make-up on looking a state! Perhaps it's the fact that I spend a lot of time with other Mums in the group because I'm 'around' more.

OP posts:
Original poster
Usernamed · 19/09/2018 11:53

Ozbarbie - Unfortunately the school Mums are my only friends! We are not from this area, and I as I don't work, I don't get to meet other people much.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 19/09/2018 11:54

She may be envious that you're well liked by the other women OP.
Sometimes people are just weird and we'd drive ourselves mad second guessing why they're off with us. Park this one up and carry on around her.

MargoLovebutter · 19/09/2018 11:56

Definitely follow the smile, wave and steer clear route here.

Never reply to anything to her on social media unless you absolutely have to and then wait until at least 3 or 4 others have and you can see how their responses are being received.

Everyone will probably get the measure of her eventually.

I am so glad all of this is behind me.

CocoCabanarama · 19/09/2018 11:57

I would actually just leave the whatsapp group, problem solved - I left one that was set up for a play date, that I couldn't go to, but the chat carried on, I don't have FOMO (fear of missing out) and am quite happy to be out of it, I don't need my phone pinging every 5 seconds, especially if there's someone who's making you question who you are, and your actions.

@Ozbarbie I'm with you, I tried the whole getting along with everyone thing and it resulted in some pretty ridiculous situations, felt like I was back at school myself, so now I just do the whole pleasantries thing and have pulled right back.

Juells · 19/09/2018 11:57

She is very well-off, has a lovely big house and a good job.

She may feel you're not the right sort, and be trying to drive you away. I've had that in the past, usually from airheads who judge everyone by the car they drive.

RibbonAurora · 19/09/2018 11:59

Bait and switch tactics, you can't win with people like this. They suck you in and whichever way you respond they'll wrongfoot you. If you'd gone with consoling and sympathetic you'd have been told to lighten up. I wouldn't bother responding to her at all in future let her find someone else to be her punchbag.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 19/09/2018 12:03

I wouldn't leave the group. That would make this woman happy I think. I would take great amusement in ignoring her though.

Bowerbird5 · 19/09/2018 12:03

I had this with a work colleague. Never understood why she had a dislike for me. I had been there years when she arrived. She made a big thing about knowing our boss.
She used to walk past without answering if I said "Good Morning." Then sometimes she would surprise me and answer. I then observed she only did it if someone was around especially SMT. She got my friend over to her side and she stopped speaking to me.

She was mildly critiqued recently at work and she left abruptly. I am so pleased not to have her around.
As others advise be polite but keep your distance. Don't answer her messages. I might be inclined to put a last one on saying you thought she was making light of it and you are sorry for misunderstanding then leave it.

MaAnandSheela · 19/09/2018 12:04

Stop replying to her messages or comments just talk to the other Mums in the group.

Original poster
Usernamed · 19/09/2018 12:09

Exactly Ribbon - That's the impression I'm getting. Whatever my response is, it is misinterpreted, so she can have some kind of dig.

OP posts:
NonaGrey · 19/09/2018 12:14

MN loves to jump to “jealous” but you it is possible just not to like someone.

It doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong, it doesn’t mean she’s not a nice person - she just doesn’t like you. it happens.

Be polite in person and don’t reply to her on the group WhatsApp, it’s unnecessary.

As I say to my D.C. “You don’t have to be friends with everyone, you don’t even have to like them, you just have to be polite and kind to everyone”

Original poster
Usernamed · 19/09/2018 12:14

What do others think about me putting another message on, as suggested above - 'I possibly mis-read the tone of your message and thought you were making light of it. Hope DD is OK'.

???

OP posts:
MargoLovebutter · 19/09/2018 12:17

Nooooooo, don't do it. Seriously, you're over thinking it now. If she doesn't like you, nothing you say will be right and you will just be prolonging the agony.