Passive-aggressive school mum

[Usernamed]

I did not know where to put this thread - so may not be in the right place.

There is a Mum in our friendship group (our DDs all play together at school), who I knew from my DDs nursery days. We are always friendly and cordial to each other's faces when we speak, but I have a strong vibe that she does not like me. I find her quite passive-aggressive towards me in the class WhatsApp group we are all on, and she can sometimes ignore or shun me on occasions in public.

This morning, for instance, she wrote a message about her DD crying before school for a silly reason. I read the tone of the message as being quite humorous. Like she was joking about it. She asked a question to the group, so I answered it, beginning my response with LOL and mentioning how funny it was, but also a stressful situation.

Then she replies with a serious tone, as if the child was really upset. All the other Mums then sympathised. I did not misread the tone of her first message - this kind of thing happens a lot - where she responds (only to my messages), in a way that makes me look foolish. I believe this is gaslighting.

It sounds little, and as if I could have misinterpreted it, but it happens too often for me to be misreading this negative vibe I get from her. It's only towards me.

Nothing has happened between us, that could have led to dislike me. I feel it's as if she's just taken a dislike for no reason. I get on well with all the other Mums, but I' so uncomfortable around her.

Anyone experienced this?

Id still be civil to the dd's mum but not get into a conversation with her

Just a thing here OP My DD is also top of the class. She is a little ahead of this Mum's DD ..... I mean, it's just a couple of weeks into the new term, so how can you really deduce that? There's been no exams, no parents evenings .....is there a little pecking order chart pinned on the classroom wall? I don't think so. I just wonder a little. You seem to have a very acute sense of pecking order ... maybe that does come across and snotty what's app mum doesn't like it! Who would.

No just leave it, and no longer engage with her. Sounds like a Queen Bee.

Tinkobell - As soon as I wrote that I thought someone would pick up on that point. I'm trying to see it from this mother's point of view. It's common knowledge which children are more able in our class - they all sit on one table together. So that table is viewed as being 'top table'. The kids themselves are acutely aware of who sits on top, middle, bottom and talk about it. I know it's not right....but that's the way it is. The kids are also aware of who is in 'top' reading group. I assure you, I do not talk to other mums about my DDs achievements at all, because I hate that kind of conversation and steer clear of Mums who do.

Tinkobell. I think when someone seems to take a notable dislike to you for no apparent reason, the recipient, especially if they have people pleasing tendencies, tends to over analyse what they doing are wrong, when the problem rests firmly at the haters doorstep.

And the being top of class was mooted by someone else.

Op don't give this women any more power, don't bother engaging or analysing her strange behaviour. I'm sure other people will catch on to her in the end.

I'm not drawing judgement other than to say it all sounds a bit too claustrophobic and kid-centric to me. Petty jealousies arise in these situations because life has become all about the reading table or whatever. I feel sorry for the kids when this happens. Get out, do a national trust visit or something as a group.

Yes I agree Tinkobell, but that's the way it seems to be going, and it's mostly pushed by the government and schools. It's all results-orientated. It is too much.

We don't even know whether jealousy is playing a part in this scenario, it was just speculation.

There is probably a lot of it about ShadyLady.

Petty jealousies arise in these situations because life has become all about the reading table or whatever.

My example happened in the early 1980s. I think there has always been over-competitive, neurotic people.

I've got teenagers now about to fly. They've always been smart - crap at sport and shameful at art. I've never posted anything about them on FB, I don't brag about em and I only tell people what they're up to if I'm actually asked. I know others who do it differently and crow on about everything but this does the child no favours in life. Let the woman be jealous and insecure, her problem OP.

My example happened in the early 1980s. I think there has always been over-competitive, neurotic people.

I think you are right. My experiences were 20+years later than yours but my grandmother (born 1918) reassured me by telling me she herself had similar experiences as a child and young woman.

I find the “jealousy over kids abilities” really hard to believe.

I have a child who is very bright, very sporty, musical, goodlooking, well behaved, kind and popular. (Little of it my genes!)

In all our years at school I have never, ever had anyone be nasty, excluding or snide to me because my D.C. was doing well.

Quite the opposite in fact, people are often kind enough to compliment me which I brush off with something nice about their own child.

There doesn’t always have to be a reason. Sometimes people just have a personality clash.

Don’t overthink it or you risk seriously unnecessary drama.

I've managed perfectly well without the class FB or WhatsApp groups - mainly used for locating lost jumpers or prosecco consuming opportunities in our school (I hate prosecco!)

Ive been known to do school runs with headphones in on days I really can't face dealing with playground politics - no music on but they don't know that!

As for how ridiculous people can be over reading book comparison - I used to work at a private school (long since closed) where two mums had a physical brawl about who was on the higher Oxford reading tree book. Ironically one was on book 5 and one book 6 only because there were no book 5s left on the shelf so they were level but going to have to swap over on book change day! Staff had to intervene to break up the fight! We had mums sneaking into classrooms before school to go through book bags and check what books the other kids were on - it was crazy!

I just don't get the need to be a part of these WA and FB groups. My dd is very bright, and I don't feel it would be in her best interests to get involved in playground kiddy ability contests. I'm way too busy to be messaging people all the time

Loving the fact that so many are using this thread as an opportunity to boast about their kids being bright! Any excuse, hey!

I went through something very similar last year in a messaging group. Can’t seem to find the thread I replied to but the original poster had a friend that was being passive aggressive to her, and I was feeling exactly as you are. My former friend froze me out for two years and I went back and forth on whether it was me being overly sensitive to rejection or whether she genuinely was ignoring me and then gaslighting me. It didn’t help much raising it with the others in the group (smaller group than yours) as they mainly said no, she wouldn’t... So I not only felt like she was deliberately disregarding most of my comments and shares (this was often very personal stuff from all of us), I felt invalidated by everyone else. I just left and never looked back. All the others would contact me from time to time but overall I have been excluded from the group and no longer attend get togethers (these are arranged in the chat). I know it looks like I excluded myself, but I had to do it for my mental health, given I was no longer seeking emotional support from the group despite going through some really tough times. It felt easier to endure alone than to post and be ignored. I tried one to one conversations but she just cancelled them all last minute. When I asked her by text she was all denial and apology, but then started to interact again for a while. This just made it clearer in my mind that I hadn’t imagined it, and made it easier to walk away. Honestly, my heart would be racing when I’d share a pic or ask for help and I’d see only she was online and she’d not respond then send something about herself or her kid, which everyone would then respond to.

Fast forward almost a year and she suddenly started to text me out of the blue asking how I am etc. I’ve replied and been polite but I am honestly so wary. I know she has been through very tough life events, but she withdrew her support from me over some of the hardest moments of my life. And it started before hers...

I do agree with those that say that group chats can often end up like this, but your boundary has to be to step back and refuse to be affected by it, if you still feel you need the group. If you cant (and I couldn’t), then leave without a backward glance. I now contact a select few friends and family directly and intentionally (not incidentally) and even ditched FB. I have never felt happier.

I can't say this enough. You need to toughen up. It's detrimental to your happiness and therefore effects relationships for your children.

My DS has just joined Reception year. His sister was in the same class the year before. All the new mothers have set up a WhatsApp group. And the traffic on it is non-stop and totally unnecessary IMO. The kids are there to learn and the parents are there to drop. I am friends with a few mothers but there is no bandwidth in my life for more and more of this. I do what I need to and I leave.

My WhatsApp group is on mute. I check it occasionally. I don't have time and I don't want to be dragged down by more requests on my time. For example, the new mothers expect everyone to join in on play dates on Wednesday afternoons. Doesn't work for our family right now. So I have taken a step back. I don't engage. I'm not unfriendly but I am busy. I note my DH doesn't have any of this to deal with - so why should I?

OP, mute the group. Never reply to the woman who makes you feel like shit. Why engage with it?

You know she maybe just doesn't like you nothing to do with jealousy or Queen Bee perhaps you just get on her wick. You don't all have to be buddies I am old I don't understand whatsapp groups but it seems quite intrusive especially if you don't actually get on or know everybody, keep the lols for your friends be civil to her and just get on with your day save you any grief.

'Twas ever thus with competitive Mums.....back in the Stone Ages, when I was at Junior School, we still took the 11+. I passed, and wanted to go to the "top" local grammar school; the head advised, as there was a shortage of places that year, (post-war "baby bulge" - I'm that old!) to aim slightly lower and be sure of a place. My parents took this advice; I was nicely sorted for the next stage (and the head was right; it was a less high-powered grammar school and suited me just fine). In my class was another girl with a notoriously pushy mum, who ignored this advice, also insisted on sitting in on her daughter's interview at said grammar school. I felt sorry for her, she didn't get in, and she was a nice (rather subdued) girl. But when her mum heard that one of my other friends had got a place at the "top" school, she came into the playground and berated her very sweet mum, as if that would do any good! And by this time, the other local schools had taken their pick of candidates. She got a grammar school place in the end, but miles away, so no longer in touch with us all socially.
I have also seen this in my teaching career; being "top of the class" can simply mean quick off the mark, and others will catch up, or simply haven't met their match yet! Some pupils have this surprise at high school, some don't have it until they reach university - but there's always someone out there to give you a bit of competition.

@Grim - really enjoyed your anecdote over the mums duff up and Oxford Reading Tree. 😁
When my two were younger the other thing I always noticed was a shameless grovelling for play dates by other mums etc to the wealthy mum / kid with the very snazzy house. I just couldn't get my head round what they possibly hoped to get out of it for themselves or their DC's. Kids didn't want to come round ours cos we lived In a freezing grottage full of spiders. I always forgot to buy fancy drinks in so had to offer tap water or errr a cup of tea?!

When my two were younger the other thing I always noticed was a shameless grovelling for play dates by other mums etc to the wealthy mum / kid with the very snazzy house

I see this quite a bit @Tinkobell. I live in a fairly affluent town, and have the smallest house of anyone I know here There’s one mum in particular who has people tripping over themselves to fawn over her on FB, gushing compliments and offering their help when she’s ill or one of her children is ill. I mean, she’s a very nice person and all, but it all seems excessive. I’ve always been convinced it’s because her husband earns loads and they have a nice house.

I would pretend she doesn't exist, don't reply to her general messages, if she has a dig ignore it, don't respond, the only time I would answer her is if she asked you something directly and then I would keep it as short as was humanly possibly. Just remember she's the one being a dick here, it's nothing you've done so don't waste any of your time or energy thinking how you can change things with her. She isn't worth it.

I find the “jealousy over kids abilities” really hard to believe

Do you also need to see the planet Earth from outer space to believe it is round?

I've not had anyone being funny with me about either of my kids, but still had that weird experience with another parent taking against me as a child. It does happen, some people are batshit.

Do you also need to see the planet Earth from outer space to believe it is round?

Not really sure that’s a very helpful
analogy Puffin

Yes, of course, some people are indeed batshit.

But what’s really more likely? Random school gate Mum is so desperately envious of the OP’s small child’s test results that she starts a campaign of very public nastiness towards her or that she just doesn’t much like the OP for some very normal and mundane reason (like inappropriate WhatsApp comments).

MN tends to jump to envy as a default position. My point was only that simple antipathy is always much more likely.

I don’t know. Your OP reads to me as if she makes the effort to be civil face to face but sometimes just zones out and ‘shuns’ you (which is very subjective, some people want conversation whenever someone else is close by, some people struggle with making conversation, neither is right IMO). You are getting a ‘bad vibe’ from her...as in, she finds it difficult to make conversation with you?

So why are you jumping in and responding to her? Are you one of those people desperate to be liked by everyone? Someone you aren’t close with shares an anecdote with the group...ignore it. The only time I would respond would be if everyone else had responded in the same vein (all said lol, or all said awww) and do a very short copy of that tone.

Maybe she finds you annoying because you always want to talk / comment / analyse and she’s just not like that. It doesn’t read to me like she’s done anything wrong.

@MargoLovebutter
Never reply to anything to her on social media unless you absolutely have to and then wait until at least 3 or 4 others have and you can see how their responses are being received.

^ this

Always wait until others have replied to her before you do. Even then only reply if you HAVE to. Stop giving her power.