Passive-aggressive school mum

[Usernamed]

I did not know where to put this thread - so may not be in the right place.

There is a Mum in our friendship group (our DDs all play together at school), who I knew from my DDs nursery days. We are always friendly and cordial to each other's faces when we speak, but I have a strong vibe that she does not like me. I find her quite passive-aggressive towards me in the class WhatsApp group we are all on, and she can sometimes ignore or shun me on occasions in public.

This morning, for instance, she wrote a message about her DD crying before school for a silly reason. I read the tone of the message as being quite humorous. Like she was joking about it. She asked a question to the group, so I answered it, beginning my response with LOL and mentioning how funny it was, but also a stressful situation.

Then she replies with a serious tone, as if the child was really upset. All the other Mums then sympathised. I did not misread the tone of her first message - this kind of thing happens a lot - where she responds (only to my messages), in a way that makes me look foolish. I believe this is gaslighting.

It sounds little, and as if I could have misinterpreted it, but it happens too often for me to be misreading this negative vibe I get from her. It's only towards me.

Nothing has happened between us, that could have led to dislike me. I feel it's as if she's just taken a dislike for no reason. I get on well with all the other Mums, but I' so uncomfortable around her.

Anyone experienced this?

That was my point - I only thought of the school activity thing because someone on here said she could be trying to compete because of our DDs. Otherwise I would not have read anything into the fact that she then wanted her DD to join the sports team yesterday. I would not have even noticed it. I only just thought of the coffee scenario just now too - I guess this post is making me think back, whether there are other instances.

Perhaps an angry approach would be better for me. I don't think I am unusual in feeling upset if someone does not like me. I suppose I am a bit of a people-pleaser. Perhaps that is a fault I have, that I need to work on.

I have taken the advice on here on board, thank you x

I can see why you are upset but you really need to be civil and breezy with her but give it a break you are upset she is maybe feeling awkward because the girls are friends just facilitate the kids friendships and concentrate on the mums you get on with.

OP, I know exactly what you are talking about. I’m part of wider group of school mums, we’ve know each other nearly 10 years now. But one of the women used to do this to me too. And you are right, it’s very subtle and hard to explain to others. I just avoided her for a while but if we came face to face I was doing a normal and cheery act with her (even though I always find myself feeling like a rabbit at headlights when she talks to me). Luckily for me she wasn’t as bad as your “friend” and haven’t displayed that behaviour for few years now. I’m still wary of her to certain extent though.

Funnily enough, she is also very competitive “tiger mum” whereas I’m far more laid back. She used to get very defensive when I explained how I haven’t ironed a single school shirt (M&S non iron ones are awesome). She was nearly hopping with madness 😂 as she is ever sacrificing around her children and husband.

OP, if you are “too nice” type, she may have identified you as an easy target to boost her own fragile ego. Especially so if you’re not affluent yourself. You may find her starting to be nice to you if are a lot less available and pretend to be busy (and not too friendly) when she talks to you.

On another note, I find the school class whatsapp groups very helpful. Ours stayes silent unless someone has a question, on rare occasion it may run into a chat but it’s never bitchy. It has saved my bacon several times when there’s school trips etc and you’ve missed the memo. It’s also useful to chat and ask questions about secondary school which is imminent for us now. Some parents have older siblings and are sharing info and their experience of different secondary schools.

Thanks Helopad x Yes it is very subtle stuff, which makes it easy for people to suggest you are imagining it. That's how they get away with it - because if you ever explain it to someone it sounds ridiculous. But they do it just bad enough for you know they intend it to be a snipe at you. It's also the repetitive volume of low-level digs.

I don't think there is more advice to be given on this issue - we have well and truly covered it! It's good to hear other Mums sharing their stories too.

her texts can be abrupt and never any kisses.

She what now? Never any kisses?!?!? Who puts kisses in texts to acquaintances?