Passive-aggressive school mum

[Usernamed]

I did not know where to put this thread - so may not be in the right place.

There is a Mum in our friendship group (our DDs all play together at school), who I knew from my DDs nursery days. We are always friendly and cordial to each other's faces when we speak, but I have a strong vibe that she does not like me. I find her quite passive-aggressive towards me in the class WhatsApp group we are all on, and she can sometimes ignore or shun me on occasions in public.

This morning, for instance, she wrote a message about her DD crying before school for a silly reason. I read the tone of the message as being quite humorous. Like she was joking about it. She asked a question to the group, so I answered it, beginning my response with LOL and mentioning how funny it was, but also a stressful situation.

Then she replies with a serious tone, as if the child was really upset. All the other Mums then sympathised. I did not misread the tone of her first message - this kind of thing happens a lot - where she responds (only to my messages), in a way that makes me look foolish. I believe this is gaslighting.

It sounds little, and as if I could have misinterpreted it, but it happens too often for me to be misreading this negative vibe I get from her. It's only towards me.

Nothing has happened between us, that could have led to dislike me. I feel it's as if she's just taken a dislike for no reason. I get on well with all the other Mums, but I' so uncomfortable around her.

Anyone experienced this?

A mum I know with way more expertise at this told me "Never comment or respond on WhatsApp or any type of group chat". And I don't - it has saved me so much grief. I hate class WhatsApp and can't wait until my DC have left it all behind.

Also, I was like you relying on the school gate mums - can I just say they are not your friends, they are at best like work colleagues. As soon as you are able - when all your DC are in school or in some pre school - go and find some hobbies and interests away from the school and make real friends.

Otherwise you are setting yourself up to be potentially isolated when these people move on as they always do as soon as your usefulness has expired.

dont reply to any of her posts. She is meaningless and doesnt exist.
Try and just keep it for useful information

Hmmm... See I would reply! Something upbeat and unapologetic.

Oh dear, looks like i misinterpreted your message.

As I would see this as standing up for your actions. You thought she made a joke, you laughed, she then made it serious and was comforted by the other mums. I wouldn't want her to 'use' my 'lol' to try and turn others against me by saying how mean or heartless I was. But then I would follow the advice on here and just leave her to crack on. Enjoy your other friends

Maybe don’t leave the group chat but don’t engage with it either unless someone asks something your dc needs to respond to ie a party invite. Just read, take any info you need and don’t respond.

There's one like this at our school - took me a while but I twigged what it was. We're not as well off as the other parents, not as posh, no expensive holidays, crap cars etc...

She's a tiger mum - pushes her child and revels when her child is top of the class, best reader etc etc. DD1 is pretty much completely dead level with her child academically across the board, reading at the same level etc and has been consistently - and I'm fairly laid back parenting (the kids read every night and we've got a very language rich home - but I don't make a huge fuss about it).

She just doesn't like that equality between them. Her loss - not mine. Because of when they were heard read and by whom recently her child got one band ahead of DD1 for a whole 4 days - the bragging on the playground and social media was ridiculous about the "top reader in the whole school" and all sorts.

I'm civil, I'll smile and say good morning, small talk if required but just try not to engage.

Your on my wavelength Lyndorcake.
As she will be enjoying the sympathy from others and think she has scored a point.

Might be an idea to extend your socialising too OP. If you can have a babysitter / DH could you go to some sort of evening group to meet other people. I have been in the same boat didn't know a soul when I moved here. You get a more diverse group of people too.

I've had that in the past, usually from airheads who judge everyone by the car they drive

Yes this.

MN loves to jump to “jealous” but you it is possible just not to like someone

But there has to be a reason, either they make you feel uncomfortable or you feel they are a threat in some way which is a type of jealousy. Why would you dislike a mum in the school playground when you hardly know them? Yet it happens over and over.

Actually Grimsqueaker, you may be on to something. As I mentioned previously, we are not well off compared with the other families in the school. My DD is also top of the class. She is a little ahead of this Mum's DD. They are also both very sporty. Recently, she got a bit competitive with me about sports classes too, and tried to make it difficult for my DD to join a sports team. Because I'm not competitive, some of this stuff just goes over my head, but sometimes I think that makes competitive people worse. Perhaps that explains it....

GrimSqueaker someone has to be spectacularly unself-aware to show off about their child’s achievements on FB and the like. I bet others are cringing reading it. I just want to punch every one of the #soproud brigade.

OP - I think you should stay in the group as it clearly has some useful information but I would keep your responses to a minimum with all (good general policy I think) and don’t interact with her at all on WA. I agree with others, keep all interactions polite, clipped and never discuss her with anyone else, even if you become aware you’re getting negative press from her. Stonewall. Put your energy into developing other friends. I had a bit of this years ago and sure enough, by the time we got further up the school she’d outed herself as unpleasant but I was really glad I’d never talked about her or given her any ammunition.

You don't have to leave the group or stop responding to her. You just have to wait until others have replied to her and take their tone. If they think it's humourous then you can too.

Though Jux if the woman’s going to play silly buggers then she’ll probably single out OP regardless of how she responds, so I’d limit responses to other group members’ WA posts only and let other members respond to the woman in question’s posts/comments. I’d also treat the WA group as purely a school related info source, not an FB style “my DD cried before school. Oh no Hun, why??’.

Madness that this kind of thing still goes on among the ‘adults’ isn’t it?

I'm with others here, that you should reply in an upbeat way which tells people firmly that you misunderstood the tone of the original message, but then never reply directly to any of her other messages. She sounds like a nightmare, sorry OP

If Person A has done nothing wrong but Person B dislikes them anyway, and acts shittily towards them, then Person B is a bad person.

Exactly - there are lots of people who I don't have much in common with - I might not want them as my best friend but I don't act obnoxiously towards them when they've done nothing wrong. Totally unacceptable behaviour.

I am dreading this shit at school when my youngest goes. WhatsApp chats for the class? Why is this needed? We survived on talking or calling when my eldest was in school (I have a massive age gap!).

Can someone explain why Facebook groups and WhatsApp groups are needed?

Divadee the groups are a nightmare in my opinion. The only time I respond/post (rare) is when I have sent party invites, responded to party invites and asked a school related question. There have been times when I have had 30/40 message notification because of the conversations “banter” others have. It tends to be the same 5/6 people that post on our group. I have switched my WhatsApp message notification for the group to silent. There is no way I would join a school mum FB group.

divadee I’ve found the WhatsApp group for my youngest child’s year really helpful as I am not always at drop off or pick up because of work. There’s a lot of info I miss about homework or sudden need for certain items the next day etc etc. But I stick to that and don’t get involved in the chat element.

Don't engage, don't reply. If she asks you for advice/a question directly then smile broadly and say "Oh I'm not sure, I always seem to get it wrong don't I?" and walk off :)

I would put something like "Hope your DD is ok" on the group message, though it is probably too late now. How do you know she was deliberately trying to trip you up if she posted it on the group chat? It is quite easy to misinterpret tone in text.

When my dd started a new school in the middle of year 5 one of the mums invited my dd round for a playdate with hers and when I picked her up, invited me in for a cuppa. Another mum was there too and they were very friendly and chatty and asked lots of questions, and then never ever spoke to me again. They'd totally blank me if they saw me in the playground, not even a hello. Obviously they were only friendly to start with to suss me out and then decided I wasn't good enough or something like that (obese single mum who clearly didn't drive the right car or wear the right clothes). It stung as the mums at my dd's old school had been amazing, always so welcoming to everyone, especially newcomers to the school and I still see some of them. I spent the next year and a half of my dd being at the new school alone in the playground. Whatever they'd decided about me had obviously been spread around to the other mums so it was pretty lonely and miserable. I was so pleased when my dd started secondary school and I didn't have to deal with that crap anymore. I will never understand the mentality of some mums. I get that kids behave badly like that but as adults we should be beyond that kind of nonsense and it's not exactly a good example to our kids.

My DD is also top of the class. She is a little ahead of this Mum's DD. They are also both very sporty. Recently, she got a bit competitive with me about sports classes too, and tried to make it difficult for my DD to join a sports team. Because I'm not competitive, some of this stuff just goes over my head, but sometimes I think that makes competitive people worse. Perhaps that explains it....

Oh God. Yes absolutely it would.

When I was at school another mum had a real problem with me, not so much my parents (until later as I will come back to) as they were hardly ever there at school. The way it mostly manifested itself to me was through her daughter in my class having a love hate relationship with me. Being all friendly, then copying my work, then falling out with me when I wouldn't let her copy (I was anxious about getting into trouble myself if we handed in the same work). Sometimes it got physical and we had a scrap in the playground- she would always start it and I would eventually retaliate. Then my parents were asked to come into school as this mum had accused me of bullying her daughter. The teachers were very surprised as I was a model student. Anyway, they accepted my version of events and we seemed to just avoid one another in future. Particularly after the mum yelled at my dad (the most non-confrontational person out there but scary if he does get cross) at my dance class and he yelled back.

We worked out that this was all coming from the uber-competitive mum. Her husband was a local councillor, dontcha know. She couldn't stand that I was at a higher level in dancing than her daughter (because I'd been doing it for longer, d'oh), that I won the Year Prize at school and got picked for the main role in the school play.

That will be it, OP. She was absolutely fucking batshit (I was about 7 or 8 years old at the time) and I wonder how her daughter got on in life as what she was doing clearly came from her mum saying stuff at home.

I don't know WTF is wrong with women like this but I seem to have some sort of a beacon calling them towards me. Have you ever been described as being "too nice" OP?

She's playing a game. You trigger off something in her, some insecurity...it's probably nothing you can help and not your fault at all. This is her way off making you feel less than her, cos she actually feels deficient in some way. Perhaps morally deficient! If you apologise, you'll be playing into her hands. It's a power struggle where she is always aiming to come out on top.

Don't play the game. Keep any contact to a minimum, don't engage on the WhatsApp group. In person, be polite but keep her at arms length. Do not attempt to get her to like you or to impress her. She will most likely start being super nice to you, reel you back in then the whole cycle will start again and she'll start playing the games all over and you'll be feeling shit again within a month. Get off her merry-go-round, its the only way to stay sane!

OP - you come across as being kind and very earnest.....possibly a bit too keen to please perhaps? Most people probably love you for this. She, on the other hand sounds like a brittle awkwardo. Stay on WhatsApp...,don't run away with your tail between your legs! But don't try with her....I mean at all. She's shown you her hand. Accept that some people don't like you - no rhyme, no reason...she's just neurotic. Treat her off hand. It's the only way.

Hi OP, I wouldn't return that message as it suggests you are at fault. I would just ignore her comments. It is one thing that people simply don't like you. That is true, but they are not all deliberately nasty to you - she could just avoid or ignore you, but chose to be nasty instead.

Some good responses and advice on this discussion. Some people enjoy trying to make you look foolish or putting you down. It is often done to try to make themselves look better than someone else. I had a friend who when alone with me, was good company, but if anyone else was there had to be scornful of anything I did or said. Took another friend to point it out to me - I just knew that sometimes I felt uncomfortable in her presence. Best to quietly drop them as so called "friends" or in this case, just ignore and don't respond. Some Mums are really competitive about their child. Little do they realise that kids develop at different rates and some (particularly if they are pushed very hard), will choose to rebel when teenagers...

She is obviously getting great pleasure out of putting you down and in thinking it is getting to you - a petty form of "revenge" for your child being bright and for you not being "her kind of person". The best response is to show that you haven't even noticed. This will honestly annoy her - I overheard my ex-friend being annoyed that I was not taking any notice of them! I would stay in the WA group though as you will miss out on useful info otherwise.

Don't worry; in what will seem no time at all, they will be taking themselves to secondary school and you won't have to see her at all. Don't give up on all the other Mums though. You may become good friends with those who are decent and normal and stay friends beyond Primary school. I would try to join local groups and meet others though in order to widen your network.

Actualpuffins, that sounds spookily familiar...same situation happened to me but in senior school. The mother physically accosted me at a competition which I placed higher than the daughter in leading to my mother retaliating...all happened in front of the judge's table. The daughter and I went to the same school and had the same hobbies etc... one minute the mother was encouraging us to be the best of friends, audition for the shows together etc, the next she was trying to get me expelled from school and drama group.

The mother was extremely competitive and the epitome of a pushy stage mother, determined to make her children stars. The daughter and I both went on to work professionally in the entertainment industry, although the daughter quit at a fairly young age, got a "normal" job, moved back to same tiny town, married the image and likeness of her father, had a few kids and now basically lives the exact same life as her mother. She was a nice enough girl and I doubt she was ever allowed to find herself. Her mother even chose her boyfriends for her! The mother was a fruit loop!

Yes I probably am too keen to please or viewed as being "too nice".

Sunshine - Sorry to hear about your experiences. I know women like that. They tend to try to pull you into some kind of competition. I steer clear of them. It's as if they view everyone in a particular position on some imaginary league table in their heads. May be that is what is going on here.