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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Passive-aggressive school mum

131 replies

Usernamed · 19/09/2018 11:18

I did not know where to put this thread - so may not be in the right place.

There is a Mum in our friendship group (our DDs all play together at school), who I knew from my DDs nursery days. We are always friendly and cordial to each other's faces when we speak, but I have a strong vibe that she does not like me. I find her quite passive-aggressive towards me in the class WhatsApp group we are all on, and she can sometimes ignore or shun me on occasions in public.

This morning, for instance, she wrote a message about her DD crying before school for a silly reason. I read the tone of the message as being quite humorous. Like she was joking about it. She asked a question to the group, so I answered it, beginning my response with LOL and mentioning how funny it was, but also a stressful situation.

Then she replies with a serious tone, as if the child was really upset. All the other Mums then sympathised. I did not misread the tone of her first message - this kind of thing happens a lot - where she responds (only to my messages), in a way that makes me look foolish. I believe this is gaslighting.

It sounds little, and as if I could have misinterpreted it, but it happens too often for me to be misreading this negative vibe I get from her. It's only towards me.

Nothing has happened between us, that could have led to dislike me. I feel it's as if she's just taken a dislike for no reason. I get on well with all the other Mums, but I' so uncomfortable around her.

Anyone experienced this?

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 19/09/2018 12:17

Personally I wouldn't say anything else to her OP. Sounds like she would enjoy you relplying to her with that message and would go out of her way to make you out to be in the wrong.

Your other friends can read and will be able to see that what you wrote wasn't hurtful.

Original poster
Usernamed · 19/09/2018 12:19

OK, I guess it would not be good for her to think tat I'm taking notice of her messages and reading into them, because it may give her more power.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 19/09/2018 12:20

Yes exactly OP.

The80sweregreat · 19/09/2018 12:20

This can be the problem with the internet/ social media/ whatsapp etc etc, its how you read the information in your head - its not always the way its meant to come across and would be different to how you felt about it if you were speaking to someone face to face and could see their facial expressions or reactions.
Just ignore it for now maybe.

ScrambledSmegs · 19/09/2018 12:21

No, don't send anything. Ignore her, any attention you give her will feed into whatever narrative she's concocted.

And ignore her going forward. Smile, nod, be pleasant, and whatever you do, don't engage.

MrsScrubbingbrush · 19/09/2018 12:25

Wise words The 80s - this is something I've been trying to get my DDs (12) to understand.

ziggiestardust · 19/09/2018 12:26

No don’t reply!! Mute the group for a week and when she crops up again, just ignore it.

She doesn’t want to be friends with you; copy her body language and just let your eyes slide past her.

MsMotherOfDragons · 19/09/2018 12:27

Just don't engage. She's obviously hoping for some kind of drama and the best way of dealing with somebody like that is to just not play along.

eggstoast · 19/09/2018 12:36

We’re all at liberty to like or dislike whoever we chose and obviously some people are not to our taste, but to feel the need to put someone down shows there’s something more going on than a simple dislike.

I just wouldn’t bother engaging with her anymore, beyond basic civility. And don’t send her that message, just accept the fact she doesn’t like you for whatever reason and stop trying to win her approval. Then you’ll likely find that once she senses the shift in dynamic, she’ll start Being nice to you, but don’t be taken in by their Head fuckery - keep your distance.

LittlePaintBox · 19/09/2018 12:45

I still feel the sting of feeling socially ostracised by some mothers at my sons' primary school. My sons are now in their 30s! Eventually, I decided to stop trying to be part of a group whose rules I clearly didn't understand. A PP used the phrase 'Queen Bee' above, this is exactly what it is. One woman who had a very large house and high-earning husband used to ask people round for a coffee after school, and people used to jostle for invitations. Someone I hardly knew once said to me 'Alison's asked me round this afternoon!' and I wasn't sure what she wanted me to say. It's all nonsense, just socially insecure people trying to work their way up some kind of ladder.

PoorlyParented · 19/09/2018 12:47

I had this type of thing with a mum at my DS's school; whilst the boys were at nursery we got on well but as soon as they started school she seemed to suddenly decide that she didn't like me and that I wasn't good enough to associate with. I just started blanking her and she did the same to me in return and we still blank each other now the boys are year 5! There are plenty of other mums to chat to/be friends with and I haven't got the time or inclination to make any effort with someone who clearly doesn't like me.

Piffle11 · 19/09/2018 12:50

If she simply doesn't like you then I would have thought it would be better to ignore your replies … the fact that she seems to be deliberately taking offence to your replies indicates that she is being PA towards you. Keep in the group if you want to stay in touch with the others, but don't get involved with any of her postings. I'd be polite and friendly when needed, but I wouldn't be making much effort with this person.

JessicaJonesJacket · 19/09/2018 12:51

It's ok for her not to like you. Just as it's ok for you to call her PA on MN. You just need to be polite. And stop rushing to answer her messages. Since you don't get on, it's quite likely that you do miss the nuances in her messages sometimes.

Mookatron · 19/09/2018 12:52

Just leave it OP. Also, you never know what people think of you. I recently found out a few people at school think I'm sorted, organised, and always on time, to which I could only reply Ha! Ha!! HA!!! Because the opposite is true. Just stop worrying and engage with those who are friendly.

rightknockered · 19/09/2018 12:53

There are three WA groups involving mums I know, I have never been asked to be a part of them, and I'm very please about that. Not worth it.

Piffle11 · 19/09/2018 12:53

Also, I think @MargoLovebutter is right: leave it for now. If she is deliberately trying to wrong foot you, then your next response will give her more ammo. Don't let this worry you too much, and just be more aware next time.

RibbonAurora · 19/09/2018 12:53

No, don't fall into the trap of apologizing when you haven't done anything wrong. It'll just provide her with another opportunity to put you down or snub you and allow her to drag this out. You just draw a line under it, then move on.

serbska · 19/09/2018 12:53

I would no longer engage with any of her messages

YouBetterWORK · 19/09/2018 12:54

Nooo, don't let her even twig her response has made you feel bad. Ignore ignore ignore!

Ozbarbie · 19/09/2018 12:54

Usernamed...

Completely understand about them being your only friends. It's hard when you feel a bit isolated and have to rely on them as your only social contact!!

I wouldn't say anything though, it's only going to add fuel to the fire!

Justabouthadituptohere · 19/09/2018 12:59

Ignore ignore ignore!! Do NOT engage. Leave her to it. She might look happy but she’s not!

busybuildingdens · 19/09/2018 13:02

I knew someone like this. She became absolutely vile to me for no reason that I could fathom. I spent a couple of years ignoring her, but wondering what on Earth I’d done. I finally mentioned it to a few other mums, and found out that a few of them had had exactly the same issue with her or knew of someone who had. Just back off from her for now. She sounds nasty, and like in my case, even being civil seemed to give her reason to humiliate me. I bet you aren’t the only one, even if it does feel like it. I have people I dislike, but I would never be rude or humiliate them. Some people are just bizarre!

Zebra31 · 19/09/2018 13:04

The school mum group thing is a nightmare. It’s amazing how some grown women revert to high school (sweet valley) type girls. Bitchy, gossiping nightmares. I understand you are new to the area but my advice Op is just be careful not to get too involved. Keep a safe distance and hopefully in time you will get close to one or two of them.

With regards the pa mother. Don’t engage. Don’t respond to her messages unless it’s a question directed to/at you. When responding keep it short polite and closed. Therefore it’s less likely to turn into a conversation or text exchange. At the school gate/school run. A quick hi, bye and smile should suffice. Try not to engage in conversation. If you have to engage. Keep it short and polite.

I do think pa people are a nightmare and best kept at a distance. They don’t have the balls to say what’s on their mind instead they revert to behaving like stroppy teenagers. It’s a personality trait that instantly puts me off people.

Hushnownobodycares · 19/09/2018 13:13

No. No more engaging with her.

Polite and neutral in person. Ignore online. Remember, you do not need the over thinking and analysing that goes with doing so.

Haworthia · 19/09/2018 13:14

Even though you’re just trying to be nice (and no doubt trying to get her on your side) there really is no point in responding to her anymore. Then she won’t have the opportunity to make you look bad.

Just as an aside, only on MN do I see people saying “Maybe they just don’t like you. It doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong and it doesn’t make them a bad person”. I couldn’t disagree more! If Person A has done nothing wrong but Person B dislikes them anyway, and acts shittily towards them, then Person B is a bad person. If you dislike someone for no discernible reason, then you’re the problem.

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