Passive-aggressive school mum

[Usernamed]

I did not know where to put this thread - so may not be in the right place.

There is a Mum in our friendship group (our DDs all play together at school), who I knew from my DDs nursery days. We are always friendly and cordial to each other's faces when we speak, but I have a strong vibe that she does not like me. I find her quite passive-aggressive towards me in the class WhatsApp group we are all on, and she can sometimes ignore or shun me on occasions in public.

This morning, for instance, she wrote a message about her DD crying before school for a silly reason. I read the tone of the message as being quite humorous. Like she was joking about it. She asked a question to the group, so I answered it, beginning my response with LOL and mentioning how funny it was, but also a stressful situation.

Then she replies with a serious tone, as if the child was really upset. All the other Mums then sympathised. I did not misread the tone of her first message - this kind of thing happens a lot - where she responds (only to my messages), in a way that makes me look foolish. I believe this is gaslighting.

It sounds little, and as if I could have misinterpreted it, but it happens too often for me to be misreading this negative vibe I get from her. It's only towards me.

Nothing has happened between us, that could have led to dislike me. I feel it's as if she's just taken a dislike for no reason. I get on well with all the other Mums, but I' so uncomfortable around her.

Anyone experienced this?

OK to answer a couple of queries...Yes I was keen for this Mum to like me because our DDs are in a friendship group of three girls. I am good friends with the other girl's Mum, who is also friends with this Mum. Therefore, it would be easier to get on well with her.

However, despite that, I don't go out of my way to keep talking to her, etc. I hardly see her because she is often not at drop-off and pick-up, as she works a lot. I see her at kids parties, she's on the WhatsApp and occasional pick-ups. I'm sure she is not viewing me as some kind of eager beaver.

It may be nothing to do with jealousy at all - someone else bought up that suggestion initially. She could just not like me for whatever reason. Nothing bad has ever happened between us that I could put my finger on.

Today though, I had forgotten to remind my DD about an after-school sports club that is going on and was worried she'd forget. So I asked on WhatsApp whether anyone would mind looking out for her in the queue to remind her to go (I tried ringing the school but no answer). And what do you know - this Mum suddenly pipes up that she also now wants her DD to join the club. It's been going on for three weeks, she knew about it because she was the one who told me about it ages ago. But she hadn't been aware my DD was going (I hadn't really talked about it). I dunno - could this be competition?

The sports club is a course by the way - not an on-going thing. So a bit weird to start it in the middle.

Yes I know a mum like this. I feel like I'm the only one who sees through her, everyone else seems to be her little lapdogs, pandering to her every whim.

As PPs have said, take a step back, don't respond to the messages (or just echo other people's sentiments so that she can't single you out).

Any idea why she's targetef you in particular OP? Is she jealous of you or feels threatened by you?

MissHemsworth- I have posted a bit about that previously - I don't think there is anything really to be jealous of. Are my above messages showing as coming from the OP please? I changed my Username and back again.

I don't know if it's competition. Maybe she just forgot it was on.

I think you gave yourself some good advice to dial it all back a bit and not engage.

Maybe she forgot. Either way, you don’t run the club, not your circus, not your monkeys. Your DD is in that’s all that matters.

The thing is, all the stuff you name sounds so small, it could just be that she has social anxiety and is crap at reading people or guessing tone.

You say you hardly see her but from her point of view, maybe you are at every school related thing she attends, so she feels she sees you a lot.

Stop replying.

Sounds like she just doesn't like you. It happens. It doesn't mean you've done anything to cause it. Not everyone will like you, or me or anyone. It's just the way it is.

The waiting to start something until a kid their child knows someone going thing is normal. My kids started karate, mentioned it in a "got the karate run tonight" way at the school gate and now half the boys in the year group have started going.

Hi Op. I think you need to move on from this now. The school club / after school activity thing is normal. Kids join clubs and then others follow. It’s just what happens.

You know she’s not going to be your best friend. You know she’s pa. Keep her at a distance and only respond to her if you have to. Try to stop reading into what she says or does. Would you think it was competitiveness if it was one of the other parents that sent that message?

I don't think you're imagining it op. I have someone (friend of a friend) like this, and we're in the same WhatsApp group. I think we both took a slight antipathy to the other from the off; the difference is I am very very careful to say nothing that isn't socially bland and inoffensive to her, while she occasionally gets a tiny swipe in there (just big enough to be noticeable, just small enough to disregard). It's tedious but manageable. Bland and boring - that's the way to proceed

I used to work with someone who had a rather frosty off-putting personality - you know one of those people where you have to be careful what you say, you're walking on eggshells all the time, a bit scary - and at a work do everyone was sitting around getting mellow and chatting, when she'd had a few drinks she suddenly said to me "I should have known you'd be ensconced with a little clique around you" 😮 I was sitting with people I didn't know well, we were all just chatting. I realised that she didn't know why people weren't at ease with her, didn't know it was something she was doing.

Zebra - I did not think it was competitiveness until someone mentioned it on here. My brain does not work that way - I don't try to compete with other Mums, so I never presume that other Mums are bothered about competing with me. So when you say - move on from it - that thought process literally just started!

My original post was put on here, so I can try to understand what is going on. I'm not stupid, I can tell when someone seems to have a bad vibe towards me and is being passive-aggressive. It's been going on for some time. I also wanted other Mums to share experiences, because that helps.

Also, none of the mother Mums communicate in a similar way. They just haven't. I have noticed that this particular Mum (who is hardly around in person), does seem to be very involved on WhatsApp. Whenever we get letters home from the school, she is the one who scans them for everyone and adds them on there. She is always making jokey statements on there, but if I reply it's suddenly serious. If other Mums reply she carries on with the joke.

I am taking all of your advice on board and will not be engaging. Thank you xx

This all sounds like the movie 'Bad Moms' lol!

Poisonous - I haven't seen it, it is good?

So she’s trying to get involved with school / school mums in a way that fits around her working hours. Good on her.

Also the others aren’t going to want to piss her off if she provides a tangible benefit to them (school letters scanned and easy to find on WhatsApp. I would bloody love that).

You say you’re not stupid but interpreting tone has nothing to do with stupidity, it’s hugely personal.

I know I come across as brash in text but my friends put up with it because they know I don’t mean it and our friendship is ‘worth’ the odd bit of ‘eh, what did she say?!’ reaction to a text.

Some people do have a frosty exterior ( i havent read the whole thread by the way since i commented the other day)
I tend to become flustered by these sorts - always have had - and i end up waffling on or trying to break down their defences, which end up with wrong and i end up coming across as too try hard.
I am learning not to do this and realise we're all different, but defensive, frosty and not very 'warm' people do tend to unnerve me.

The 80s- I think there is an element of that. She seems to be a very 'no nonsense' kind of person. I've noticed her texts can be abrupt and never any kisses.

However, too many things have happened for me to be imagining it.
I just thought of another one - we had time to kill one day in between school runs (where we'd need to pick back up in an hour). I was stood with her and another friend. She asked the friend if she would like to come back to hers during that time for a coffee, then she looked at me and paused. You could see the pained expression in her face when she extended the offer to me also, in an unenthusiastic way. It was quite obvious she didn't really want me to come (so why ask the other friend in front of me?).There are more stories like this.

I don't feel like this about anyone else I know. It's not like I'm a sensitive person, who feels this a lot.

Look OP, she doesn't sound very nice and for whatever reason she obviously doesn't like you.

It could be that she is jealous of you (SAHM/ popular with other parents), or competitive, or something else altogether - perhaps she is insecure and feels maybe you don't like her, or judge her for working full time, or whatever. Perhaps you just rub her up the wrong way.

Her comments could be deliberately intended to snub you or it could be that she is interpreting your comments wrongly and might feel as if you are mocking or laughing at her.

Either way, the best and only thing you should do is disengage. Just don't reply to her messages - let other mums do it. If you do have to respond to something then just go with super bland and polite - don't leave any gaps for her to turn back on you.

Just let her go - she's not worth the headspace you're giving her. She obviously has decided she wants not very much at all to do with you - so just avoid avoid avoid.

There's one on the playground who took an instant dislike to me and I just steer well clear wherever possible. I later found out she'd taken an instant dislike to most parents in the class and she was caught slagging us all off to her beautician (who turned out to be related to one of the parents she was slagging off). If she speaks to me it's to snarl at me and demand to know what date something school related's happening on (I seem to be "the organised one" - excuse me while I piss myself laughing at that silly notion) and I'm polite but I stand with people I get on with and she stands and glares at people with her group.

There's a class FB group for the parents but I'm uninvited to it (haven't been for 2 years now) - their choice, I don't give much of a fuck. I do just periodically remind groups like the PTA and the school that when they're assuming stuff gets commonly circulated on these groups that they're essentially self-created groups and not to assume ALL parents in the class are included and circulate information accordingly (there tends to be a "so and so put it on the class FB group so everyone knows" mindset at times).

Lordy Lord why do you care? Surely you've got other things to be doing?

The level of obsession with this stuff is unreal

She doesn't like you all you have said just points to that. She knows the kids are friends and is trying to work round it but she isn't your friend you really need to stop trying to work her out you will drive yourself nuts.

I assume you turned down the coffee?

No I didn't! In hindsight I should have. I was keen to get on well with her. I like to get along with people. Reading these posts has encouraged me to give up.

I understand it’s very difficult dealing with pa people. Their a nightmare and trigger people in different ways. For me they make me angry. I also understand you didn’t raise the competitiveness originally. I was responding to your question regarding competitiveness above. It does seem a little like you are reading into everything she says or does (the coffee, the activities, her posts).

It’s clear from reading your thread what’s happening. You have a group of people thrown together because of their DC. Two (or maybe more) people in that group aren’t meant to be friends (different personalities) but you both probably get on with others in the group. Nothing wrong with that. You can both be friends with the other women in the group without the need to be friends with each other. She can invite other mums for coffee without having to invite you. You can invite other mums for coffee without having to invite her. If you disengage with her then it’s unlikly she will be able to throw pa comments your way.

I agree with above posters. You will drive yourself nuts if you keep trying to read into her comments and actions. Focus on the women you get on with. Build your relationships there.