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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find teachers a bit bloody defensive / precious

164 replies

SweetFanniAdams · 21/06/2018 20:14

Just find myself feeling the need to pussy foot around issues so as not to offend dc’s teachers. Not just isolated to the odd one over the years, but seems to be a theme that when ever I try to interact, understand what’s going on (with a view to support their work at home) that I get very defensive responses, like I’m questioning their teaching or decisions or something.
Bloody exhausting.
I’m very direct and find I have to spend a huge amount of time planning and thinking about what I want to say so as not to be offensive or misunderstood. I wish I could just communicate freely.
Is this just something that happens to me?

OP posts:
ShawshanksRedemption · 21/06/2018 20:27

Just a short "What can I do to support my kids at home?" should do the trick.

ASauvignonADay · 21/06/2018 20:28

How much are you asking?!

Original poster
SweetFanniAdams · 21/06/2018 20:30

Yes and that’s fine except when it’s more specific and related to incidents etc.

OP posts:
NomNomNomNom · 21/06/2018 20:30

I think we need an example. If you're saying something like "DD is worrying about maths could you let me know what you've been covering so I can go over it with her at home" then that shouldn't be an issue. How often are you emailing/chatting to them?

Flatwhite32 · 21/06/2018 20:31

I'm a teacher. Give an example and I'll tell you how I'd react.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 21/06/2018 20:31

What exactly are you asking for in order to support their work at home? You obviously know what topics they're working on; so I imagine the way you're asking manages to imply the teachers are falling short?

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 21/06/2018 20:32

Related to incidents?!

iamkahleesi · 21/06/2018 20:32

Examples would be good, I suspect though if it's a recurring thing it may be more to do with your approach than the teachers

Original poster
SweetFanniAdams · 21/06/2018 20:32

I don’t ask that much, maybe one or two things a term perhaps. We only get one parents evening a year so communication is very limited. I get the impression the teachers would rather just not have to bother with parents but I can’t help but feel that working together would make everyone’s life easier?

OP posts:
slovenlys · 21/06/2018 20:33

More specifics OP!

Bonbonchance · 21/06/2018 20:33

Depends what you're asking/when/how often....I'm pretty exhausted by some of the parents of children I teach to be honest. If you are polite & friendly and request a meeting at a mutually convenient time in order to support your child's learning, & if there's an issue try to see the bigger picture, then I wouldn't have a problem. Unless it was all the time!

spanieleyes · 21/06/2018 20:36

Remember that to you it is two or three things every term but, if there are thirty parents all with two or three things every term, then it soon adds up! It really depends what you are asking for!

egginacup · 21/06/2018 20:36

Imagine if every parent asks one or two things a term though... that’s 30-60 different requests a term!

I agree it depends what it is though, I’m usually only too happy to talk to parents.

Ummmmgogo · 21/06/2018 20:36

I've never ever had this. either you are very unlucky, asking way too much, or imagining the defensiveness xxx

donquixotedelamancha · 21/06/2018 20:36

when ever I try to interact, understand what’s going on (with a view to support their work at home) that I get very defensive responses, like I’m questioning their teaching or decisions or something.

That seems odd. Most teachers are very happy to answer questions about how to support students at home and how a student is doing in school. I ask a lot (because I'm a teacher) and am quite a blunt person, and I've only had this once. With hindsight I'd phrased it badly and assumed the headteacher I was asking knew things they didn't.

Either you've been very unlucky with the teachers you've met or the common factor to all these conversations (you) is asking in a way that rubs people up the wrong way.

spanieleyes · 21/06/2018 20:37

SNAP!

PlateOfBiscuits · 21/06/2018 20:38

It completely depends. We need more info. If you’re this vague with them then I can see why they might act off with you Grin

SmileEachDay · 21/06/2018 20:38

Example!! And when do you ask?

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 21/06/2018 20:38

With at least 30 children in the class, unless there is a major issue you can't expect teachers to communicate with parents on an individual basis outside of parents evening. Different if there is an issue and not being responded too.

Teacherlikemisstrunchball · 21/06/2018 20:39

Really depends how you ask and what you ask tbh. Some parents come across as very aggressive and critical and this can be intimidating. Generally in my experience teachers are trying their best, and often are exhausted and take criticism personally as it’s hard not to!

Original poster
SweetFanniAdams · 21/06/2018 20:39

Ok, example .....
As a result of ds being disciplined.
I agree with discipline
Same issues keep happening
I arrange a chat with teacher (I know they hate ad hoc convos)
DS has a neurological condition
I as if they have a protocol for such kids
And for more info on the run up to how these issues happen. He suggests that I accept they are professionals and I trust they know what they are doing.
I say just want a bit more info so I can help coach ds at home to make things easier for him and teachers etc
I get eye roll and fobbed off.

Many many more examples.
Not many parents seem to speak to the teachers outside of the annual parent evening, I think they prefer it that way.

OP posts:
Original poster
SweetFanniAdams · 21/06/2018 20:42

And their are 12 kids in class - not 30+

OP posts:
PlateOfBiscuits · 21/06/2018 20:42

Many many more examples.

Could you give another then because I found that one a bit confusing to be honest. How does the neurological condition link to the discipline?

Ummmmgogo · 21/06/2018 20:43

oh is it private school? that explains it tbh. just remind them you are a paying customer xx

Original poster
SweetFanniAdams · 21/06/2018 20:44

Neurological disorders cause behaviour issues which then can cause issues around discipline - nothing major

OP posts:
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